I’m falling for my irresistible work fling – but am racked with guilt over partner and child at home
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I HAD unbelievable but unplanned sex with a female colleague.
It happened when we had to stay overnight on a business trip, but now my head is in a mess as I have a family at home.
My colleague is a single girl of 24.
She started work three months ago on a trial basis.
She is absolutely stunning and I found I was thinking about her all the time, though I have a partner I have been with for three years.
She is 29 and a great mum to our 18-month-old daughter.
I am 28.
Our company is bringing out some different lines and we are looking for new outlets further afield.
This colleague and I had to attend meetings quite a distance away.
They took longer than we expected so we booked single hotel rooms for the night.
After we had eaten, we went out for a drink.
She told me she had finished with her last boyfriend four months ago.
She said they had been together for ages and had become more like friends than lovers.
As the evening wore on, the atmosphere between us became charged.
We got back to the hotel and both just went into her room.
Within minutes we were undressing each other and we had an amazing night.
The sex was fantastic but we were also so on the same wavelength it felt as if it was meant to be.
The next day we said it must be a one-off but neither of us could stick with that.
We have purposely arranged to work late on the same days so that we have the place to ourselves and can have sex.
I am falling in love with her.
She says she knows I am not free but she still wants to be with me.
My partner and I have become distant and I can’t stop thinking about my other woman.
I don’t know what to do.
My heart and my head are so confused.
DEIDRE SAYS: Secret sex with someone new is a strong lure but this stage will pass and meanwhile you have a responsibility towards your little girl, if not your partner.
Tell your colleague you must take a step back from your affair for now, so you can sort out your relationship with your partner one way or the other.
Think about why you have become distant with each other and what you can do to change that.
Arrange for a babysitter and take her out.
Tell her you think your relationship has become lacklustre and ask her how she feels.
If she agrees, work out an action plan together, to give it a real chance of working out.
My e-leaflet Torn Between Two Women will help you.
Even if you can’t save your relationship with your partner, at least you will know you’ve tried, and you can still be an involved and loving dad to your daughter.
Topic for today
POSSESSIVE jealousy is one of the most poisonous and destructive emotions, ruining peace of mind and relationships.
My e-leaflet Dealing with Jealousy tells how to protect your relationship, whether you’re the victim or the jealous one. Email [email protected] for a copy.
I burned my husband's women's clothes
Dear Deidre
I DISCOVERED my husband was a cross-dresser and I was so hurt I burned all his female clothing.
I know he would rather pleasure himself while dressed as a woman than have sex with me.
It is hard to compete with a non-person.
We have been married for 14 years.
I am 48, he is 42.
He said he’s done it since he was 13.
I was shocked and disgusted.
That’s when I burned all his female gear.
Then I learned he’s been lying to me to go and meet other cross-dressers, so now I feel betrayed as well.
He says he has stopped and doesn’t want to lose me but I have been looking up cross-dressing online.
All I read says it is impossible for a man to simply stop.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is true he may struggle to stop.
Can you try to accept that he is not a different person from the one you fell in love with and has been driven to secrecy and deception?
Some partners accept it as part of their marriage and my e-leaflet, Cross-Dressing Worries, will help you decide if you can.
Get support from Beaumont Partners (beaumont society.org.uk/partners).
Dad is a bullying control freak
Dear Deidre
MY dad is a bully and control-freak but I won’t give in.
My parents divorced when I was seven because he was a drinker and violent.
We moved away, nearer to Mum’s family, and had very little contact with him.
I’m a man of 22 and my parents are in their late forties.
They recently got talking again.
My dad swore he’d changed and persuaded Mum to let him move back in last week.
He is already controlling her but she won’t see it.
She defends him.
He is ex-military and very strict.
It has to be his way or there is trouble and threats of beatings.
He tries to bully me but I won’t let him, so we’ve had big rows.
He wants to kick me out but I’m worried for Mum.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s great your dad can’t control you any more.
Tell him hitting either you or your mum would be assault and you would report it to the police.
You’d be best leaving home but I understand your fears for your mum.
She’s not ready yet to admit she’s made a mistake but make sure she knows she can get help.
My e-leaflet Abusive Partner has details of where she can find support and safety.
CONTACT DEIDRE
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also private message on the Facebook page.
Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Strip-ocrite fiancée has brought on marriage doubts
Dear Deidre
MY fiancée banned strippers at my stag party but then she cosied up with a male stripper at her hen do.
The wedding is in three weeks’ time.
My stag party was two weeks ago.
I was happy with her rules as I’m not interested in that kind of thing but I was shocked when she sent me selfies from her hen party with her arms wrapped around a half-naked male stripper.
She said it was just her mates messing around but I can’t look her in the eye and I don’t want her touching me.
I am doubtful about going ahead with the wedding. I am 32, my fiancée is 31.
DEIDRE SAYS: If there was any harm in it, she would hardly have sent you selfies.
Her rules should’ve applied both ways but she had probably been drinking.
If you are thinking of calling off the wedding, is it just the latest instance of her ignoring your feelings?
If so, it needs sorting out.
related stories
Bonking is boring for uninterested boyfriend
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend says he loves me but that sex is a chore.
We plan to get engaged in November, when we will have been together for two years.
I am 21 and he is 23.
Sex is our only problem.
I can’t make him climax and he doesn’t enjoy it.
He has never been able to ejaculate when he has sex.
I have also tried oral and by hand.
He can get an erection but not finish.
We have had romantic weekends away, I’ve worn sexy underwear – nothing works.
The only way he can do it is masturbating on his own.
DEIDRE SAYS: He can do it on his own, so it is an emotional block, not a physical problem.
Maybe he was brought up to see sex as dirty or wrong – or that you don’t do it with nice girls, so he has been conditioned to private relief.
It’s not unheard of and my e-leaflet Helping Your Man To Climax explains step-by-step self-help sex therapy.
