I booked a stripper for my mate’s 30th birthday and now my wife never wants to speak to him again
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I BOOKED a stripper for my mate’s 30th birthday but my wife hit the roof and says she never wants me to speak to him again.
He was our best man but she hates him now and I’m torn.
I’m 30 and my wife’s 31.
We got married just six months ago and my mate worked hard to make it a fabulous day.
We had all got along great until now and have had some good times together.
I wanted to do something different to make his 30th memorable.
He is always up for a laugh and I knew he’d like the stripper idea.
We went to a few pubs, then on to a strip club.
I treated him to a private dance and, though it was just a laugh, the girl was really sexy and I made the mistake of taking photos of her on my phone.
I had too much to drink and instead of going straight home, as I’d promised, we ended up at his place drinking into the wee small hours.
I eventually rolled in at 6am to find my wife very upset.
She knew I’d been up to something.
Eventually she found out about the stripper from my mate’s girlfriend, who was also furious.
My wife went ballistic.
She found the photos on my phone and ranted and raved for hours.
She made me text him saying I had to stay away from him in future.
Now he’s upset I put her before our friendship — but she’s my wife.
If I call, he doesn’t pick up.
My wife and I are in a better place now but she still thinks he’s a bad influence on me.
She doesn’t even like his name being mentioned.
Even my parents think she’s being over the top not allowing me to still be his mate.
DEIDRE SAYS: What is actually bothering your wife here?
Is she worried you got too close to another woman at that strip club? Is she feeling threatened?
Tell her you love and desire only her but are not going to cut your best pal out of your life over an incident that was your own fault.
Come clean and admit you got it all wrong.
After all, your mate’s girlfriend is furious too, so you’ve not helped his relationship.
But then be firm that he is your friend.
Being your wife doesn’t give her the right to bully you.
Most new marriages have to do some negotiating over boundaries.
It’s fair enough for her to object to you getting involved with strippers but not to lay down the law over who can and can’t be your mate – especially after so many years.
Dear Deidre
A GUY I met on a friendship website is threatening to hurt me unless I pay him £500 he says he wasted on me when we were dating.
I am 17, he’s 24.
We used to meet a lot but never had full-on sex.
We often argued and he’d insult me and call me names.
Since I ended it, he has threatened to harm my boyfriend and sent a photo of himself outside my house when I was on holiday.
He’s creeping me out.
Now he says I owe him this money.
I blocked him on Facebook but he found me and said I made a big mistake.
I thought of reporting him but lost the screenshots of his threats.
DEIDRE SAYS: You should report him.
You may not be his only victim.
He is not to know that you no longer have screenshots of his threats but keep any future ones as evidence.
You can get advice from the National Stalking Helpline (, 0808 802 0300).
Dear Deidre
I AM off to university in a few weeks and worry I will find it so hard being away from my girlfriend that I won’t be able to concentrate on my studies.
I got the results I needed to take my place at my chosen university but it is 200 miles from home.
My girlfriend of a year is starting work near home.
We’re both 18 and I love her very much and she feels the same about me.
How can I make sure I do not feel miserable without her and at the same time still enjoy university life?
DEIDRE SAYS: You both need to lead full lives while you are apart, to keep your relationship bubbling along.
It will be a testing time but if you are meant to be together you will survive being apart and be even stronger as a couple.
Dear Deidre
MY partner’s daughter has been difficult since we moved in together.
After a tantrum, she went to live with her mum.
My partner had lived with his daughter since she was four and was taken away from her mother.
She is 13 and did not want us to move in together.
I’m 32, he’s 38.
She said she wanted to live with her mum because at our place she was in her room alone all day with only her phone – but that was her choice.
My partner said no but she threw a huge tantrum so he agreed to a week.
It has been four weeks and he has not seen her once.
She has asked if she can come to tea but I am still hurt and angry after all we have done for her.
Am I being unreasonable?
DEIDRE SAYS: Try to put your feelings aside and say you will be pleased to see her.
She is torn and needs re- assurance for a bit.
My e-leaflet on Stepfamily Problems will help.
CONTACT DEIDRE
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Dear Deidre
I SET up a fake account on a dating website to try to catch my boyfriend out.
I am 23, he’s 29.
We have a one-year-old son.
I found out that he was chatting to other women when I was pregnant.
His excuse was that I was not showing him enough attention.
Since we had our son I have caught him three times but he swears he’s never met anyone.
I am so hurt he’d rather talk to other women.
I am really tired at the end of the day and not in the mood to be close.
I cannot see us having a future if he keeps betraying my feelings like this.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s tough to get the balance of being mum and dad right.
Get him to be more hands-on and agree to make space for quality adult time when your son is asleep – but there must be no more other women online.
Dear Deidre
I HAVE not plucked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I fathered a child with my ex.
I am 28.
I was with my ex for six months.
I loved her and proposed when she got pregnant but she never said yes.
The rows became more frequent and in the end we separated.
She had a little girl.
A year later I met my current girlfriend.
She’s 25, caring and kind and I can see us together for ever.
I hate keeping secrets but I am afraid I may lose her once she knows about my child.
DEIDRE SAYS: You cannot keep your child a secret for ever and there will never be the right time to tell your girlfriend, so the sooner the better.
Be honest about your fears over how she will react.
If she sees it as a deal-breaker, suggest you get help via Family Lives (, 0808 800 2222).
Dear Alexander
I DOUBT you’ll get away with claiming you were buying a lot of curries.
If you’re going to reek of guilt, best to be honest with Leah now – but look at why you fell for the temptation.
Opportunity is no excuse. Was it about wanting to push boundaries, or the feeling of power or control when paying for sex?
The more you are willing to look at the underlying issues so you can be sure not to do this again, the more understanding Leah is likely to be.
And best both have sexual health checks.