The man I love refuses to meet my children… so I cheat on him

Dear Deidre

I HAVE the most amazing sex with the man I love.

It’s perfect – until I wake in the morning and he is tip-toeing away to be out of the house before my kids wake up.

I am a 26-year-old single mum and have three lovely children as well as a full-time job, so my life is very hectic.

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I met this guy through a work colleague a year ago.

We hit it off immediately and fell in love.

He is 28 and is warm and loving.

But he says he can’t be with me because he’s not ready, yet, to deal with being a stepdad.

The thing is, we can’t leave each other alone.

My kids know about him but think he is only a friend — and don’t know he spends the night at our house.

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We had a rare night all to ourselves last weekend when the kids had gone to stay with their grandparents.

We went out for dinner and then went back to mine.

He is a gentle but passionate lover and knows how to please me.

He wraps his arms around me and we fall asleep after sex.

It was just fantastic to wake in his arms in the morning, and for him not to have to rush off.

It made me realise all I have been missing.

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But because he won’t commit more, I sleep with other men even though I know they are only out for fun.

The last guy I slept with was someone I met in a bar in town.

He was very flirty and he knew I was up for it.

We had sex in his car in a lay-by.

It was cramped and rushed and he was rough.

It was all over in a matter of minutes and left me feeling horrible.

I want to be with the man I’m in love with.

I know he loves me, too.

And we both agree it wouldn’t work as things are — but we can’t walk away.

DEIDRE SAYS: He’s a great lover but this is chewing you up emotionally and leading you into self-destructive behaviour.

As things are, what you share with this guy is going nowhere.

Tell him you need some commitment from him and for him at least to start getting to know your children better.

If he won’t even try, walk away – and don’t cave in days later.

It needs to be a proper separation so he has a chance to miss you and work out if he is willing to make a commitment.

Please stop having casual sex.

It may bring a short-lived feeling of being wanted but you deserve so much better.

Maybe you need help to rate yourself more highly.

My e-leaflet on Raising Self-Esteem will help you.

CONTACT DEIDRE

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Parents stalling over my wedding

Dear Deidre

MY parents change the subject if I mention setting a date for my wedding.

I need their help but they are dragging their heels.

I am engaged to a wonderful man.

I am 23 and he is 26.

We have been engaged for almost two years.

We are desperate to set a date but my parents don’t seem to want to help.

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We can’t afford to do our wedding ourselves.

If we could, we’d just go for it.

I want my parents involved.

They dream of hosting a reception in their garden and want a church wedding for me.

I’ve even said we should just marry in a register office in the hope it would hurry them up, as I know they don’t want that for me.

DEIDRE SAYS: They may dream of hosting a glitzy wedding but can they really afford it?

Weddings aren’t cheap, even if you budget sensibly.

Maybe they are reluctant to admit they can’t afford their – or your – dream wedding.

It’s your wedding, so plan for a simple day you can afford.

Set a date and ask your parents to help with one or two things, like the dress and the cake, letting them feel involved but not burdened.

I'm about to start life as a woman

Dear Deidre

SHOULD I tell my neighbours I intend to start wearing skirts and tights?

Or just go for it and explain if they ask?

I am a transgender woman of 52, just starting the process of coming out.

It has been a long, hard journey.

I have wanted to become a woman since my twenties.

I’ve been humiliated many times but am much more confident now and feel the time is right.

I am on friendly terms with most of my neighbours and live in a close-knit community.

Should I try to let my neighbours know of my intentions before stepping out in women’s clothes?

Or leave it and explain things if any of them ask questions?

DEIDRE SAYS: It must have been agony keeping all of this to yourself for so long.

It’s only natural you want others to know the real you.

Rather than announcing to the whole neighbourhood, though, just tell a chosen few to start with, maybe over a coffee.

You are more likely to get an understanding reaction.

You will find more understanding support at the Beaumont Society (beaumontsociety.org.uk, 01582 412 220).

Is it wrong to date my friend's ex?

Dear Deidre

MY friend won’t speak to me since I’ve got with her ex.

We didn’t set out to hurt anyone, it just happened, and I’m now happier than ever.

I am 20 and my boyfriend is 21.

I’ve known him for six years and we were always close.

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My friend has moved on but doesn’t speak to me any more.

I got a lot of stick from people who said I shouldn’t do that to a friend.

But I love my fella and don’t want things to an end.

He doesn’t seem bothered about all the criticism but it gets to me that I have lost a lot of people I thought were friends.

Why should I give up my happiness to make everyone else comfortable?

DEIDRE SAYS:

She is being unreasonable.

She doesn’t own her ex.

At your age, it is highly likely you’d end up dating the same people in your social group.

She may well come round once she’s had time to think it through.

But if she doesn’t, it is her loss.

Is my girlfriend gay?

Dear Deidre

I THOUGHT my girlfriend was straight until I read some texts which suggest she is having oral sex with her best friend.

We’ve been in an on-off relationship for four years.

I am 34 and she is 30.

She got drunk at her best friend’s house and had oral sex with her during one of our breaks a few years ago.

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She told me about it afterwards and I was fine.

She said it wouldn’t happen again.

I glanced at her texts the other day and, from what I read, she is still getting that from her friend.

I never imagined she was gay.

DEIDRE SAYS: She may be uncertain about her own sexuality but it’s wrong to cheat on you.

Tell her you know what’s going on and she has to choose.

Make it clear you aren’t prepared to play second fiddle to anyone.

If she chooses her friend over you, you have to accept it, move on and find someone who deserves you.

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