My sexy fling wants to ditch her husband for me now she is pregnant with my child – but I don’t love her
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I HAD brilliant sex on a brief fling away but the woman now says I am going to be a father.
No way am I ready for that.
It happened when I went off on a two-day training course three months ago.
I am 25 and had just landed my dream job.
There were 15 of us in the training group.
One of them was a stunning woman.
I managed to sit next to her at lunch and we got chatting.
We hit it off really well and I asked her to go for a drink with me that evening.
We had a few drinks and she started pouring her heart out to me about how unhappy she was with her marriage.
She is 28 and her husband is 40.
She said he is a good man but hopeless in bed.
I said that was sad because she is a very beautiful woman.
We walked back to the hotel together and she invited me up to her room for one last drink.
The chemistry between us was so strong, I decided I would risk kissing her.
She responded and before I knew it, we were in bed together.
The sex was mind-blowing.
We didn’t use a condom but she said she would get the morning-after pill the next day.
We spent the following night together and the sex was even better.
Even so, I saw it as just a fling and thought that was it when we said goodbye.
Then last week she phoned me at work and told me that she is pregnant — and I am the father.
I am shocked and confused.
Her husband believes it is his baby but she says she knows it is mine.
She said she loves me and would leave her husband for me.
She wants to make a life with me and our child.
The trouble is that I don’t love her and I don’t want to be with her.
DEIDRE SAYS: If her husband truly thinks this is his child, she must have been having sex with him around the time she got pregnant.
If so, she can’t be sure you are the father.
The only way to know for sure is to have DNA tests done once the baby is born.
Be honest with her.
Tell her you don’t want to be with her, whether or not this is your baby, and you will want DNA tests to be sure.
If she is trying to put pressure on you to be with her, that prospect may make her think again.
If it turns out you are the father, you will have a legal responsibility to pay maintenance for your child – as well as a moral responsibility to be a real part of their life.
Casual sex is always risky.
If ever you are tempted to have another fling, make sure you use a condom.
CONTACT DEIDRE
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also private message on the Facebook page.
I can't stop thinking about my boyfriend's threesome
Dear Deidre
MY partner had a threesome and I can’t forget it, though it was before we met.
We were in our local with his friend two months ago, when the pal blurted out that he and my partner had a threesome with a prostitute last year.
My boyfriend went very quiet.
I felt hurt and disgusted.
I was angry with him but then realised it took place before we met.
We are both 27 and have been together for five months so I told myself to forget it.
Then we bumped into his friend again last week and it all came flooding back.
I have been torturing myself over it ever since.
I keep wondering if the other woman was sexier than me.
I lie awake at night thinking about it.
We love each other and I know it’s my problem, not his.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your partner is choosing to be with you, so don’t let your insecurity over something he now regrets spoil things.
If you are lying awake at night, get up, go into another room and write a list of all the reasons why you love each other.
Sit and read it at moments when the fear grips you.
My e-leaflet Dealing With Jealousy will help.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
FORTY-FIVE per cent of men worry their manhood is too small.
But 85 per cent of women are happy with their fella’s size.
After all, it’s skill not inches that makes a good lover, as my e-leaflet Manhood Too Small? explains.
For a copy, email problems@deardeidre.org.
I'm stuck between warring parents and don't know how to help
Dear Deidre
MY mum keeps trying to take her own life.
I’m worried sick.
My parents have not loved each other for years and Dad wants to sell their house so they can go their separate ways.
Mum wants that too, but has long-standing mental health problems.
She can be mega-difficult and flies into rages that are very scary.
She keeps being sectioned but then released.
Her mental health support team say they can’t find her accommodation because she owns half the house.
She is 60, I am 22 and her only son.
I want to move in with my girlfriend but am afraid what will happen without me there.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are a caring young man but this is not your problem to solve – nor do you have the power to do so.
It’s your dad who is joint owner of their home.
You have your own life to live and it could be that your dad isn’t stepping up because he is relying on you to take the strain.
Tell him, your mum and her GP you are moving out.
They can find further advice and support through Mind, the mental health charity (mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393).
I'm all talk and no action when it comes to sex with my boyfriend
Dear Deidre
I SEND my boyfriend steamy texts during the day – but go off the idea of sex when it comes to it.
I fancy sex when I send the texts but just want to put my feet up when I get home.
My boyfriend works hard and wants to relax too but to him, that means having sex.
Our sex life used to be good but now it is not even once a week.
He says I am teasing him by sending the texts then saying no.
We are both 31 and are getting engaged next year but I am worried he will change his mind.
I love him and I don’t want to lose him.
How can I get sex back on track?
DEIDRE SAYS: Good sex is about quality, not quantity, especially in a long-term relationship.
But you still need to give it priority.
Set aside one evening during the week and one at weekends for a sensual massage, whether it leads to sex or not.
My e-leaflet Sex-Play Therapy will help.
I'm gay - but dad expects marriage and kids for me
Dear Deidre
IT WILL break my father’s heart if I don’t marry soon and have children.
I am a Muslim man, aged 26, and have known since I was 11 that I am gay.
I’ve never told anyone, though.