Hubby loves sex, but not with me – how can I get past his affair with internet lover?
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
MY husband forked out hundreds of pounds on hotel rooms to have “brilliant” sex with a woman he met online – while I was struggling to make ends meet.
He is 43 and I am 37. He lost his job last year and a lot of feelings came out which he had never talked about before.
He was jealous of our kids and jealous that I could show love for the family and other people when he found it impossible.
He seemed to get better and started to make more of an effort with all of us. He’d spend time playing with the kids, who were less anxious and more relaxed.
Just as I thought we were getting back to normal, he dropped the bombshell that he’d been seeing this woman, who is 41.
He said they had met on a lonely hearts site and she listened to his problems and made him feel like a new man. He said their sex life was brilliant too.
I could not believe what he was telling me, so coldly and calmly. I went into meltdown. I dragged him to the doctor and when he told him the whole story, the doctor diagnosed severe depression.
I stood by him but when I thought the worst was over, this woman’s son started pestering me with messages, threatening to hurt my husband. I didn’t show him lots of them as he was too fragile emotionally. I finally blocked the son and have not heard from him since but it really freaked me out.
I have stayed strong for everyone — my kids, my parents and my friends, who all have their own troubles. But I am haunted. Was I not good enough for my husband?
I love him but keep pushing him away. If he says or does something nice, I question it — is he guilty?
All this stress is making me ill and I just cannot seem to leave the past behind.
DEIDRE SAYS:Though it has been hurtful for you, his fling was more about him than you.
With the other woman he could be a version of himself that he liked better. Having someone to listen to his problems was an ego-boost.
You are still together and he is making a big effort. Resist the temptation to push him away. Instead you need to rebuild trust through emotional intimacy.
Encourage him when he is stepping up with the kids. It is good for them and will help to build his confidence.
You have been a rock but maybe it is time to lean on your husband a bit more and let him take the lead.
Seeing you are vulnerable too may help to improve the balance in your relationship. Getting over your partner cheating is tough but if you still love each other you can come through it even stronger. My e-leaflet, Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains how.
My sex drive is nonexistent, I worry it's causing a strain in my relationship
Dear Deidre
I HAVE a perfect relationship with my boyfriend apart from sex. His sex drive is fine, mine is virtually non-existent
I am a guy of 22, he’s 24. We met through mutual friends a year ago and it was love at first sight. He is handsome, kind and funny. We get on brilliantly, so do our families and friends. We are into the same sports and work out together.
I do want to have sex with him and I am starting to worry this could cause a massive strain on our relationship. He always says it is OK, but I can see the look in his eye when I turn him down.
DEIDRE SAYS:Having a very low sex drive is unusual at your age. It is often linked to inhibitions or not knowing what really turns you on.
Maybe your boyfriend enjoys sex in a way that isn’t right for you. Or maybe you have reservations about your gay identity. It’s worth checking this out properly – my e-leaflet How Sex Therapy Helps explains.
I cannot forgive sister's fat jibe
Dear Deidre
I TOLD my kid sister her dress was too short and she said I was jealous because I am too fat for my dresses.
I am 21 and have had low self-esteem since being in an abusive relationship. My ex forced me to starve myself. I got away after 18 months and spent months in an eating disorder unit. I still struggle with my body image.
My sister is 15 but tries to look years older. She cakes on the make-up and wears heels she can hardly walk in.
Her comment really hurt and I cried for hours. Mum told her off but then said it’s forgotten. She has not apologised and now the family are having a go at me. Am I wrong for not forgiving her, or am I over-reacting?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your words stung her and she retaliated without any real understanding of how her comments keyed into very painful issues for you.
You’re still vulnerable, but be the big sister and explain to her how hurt you feel. Let her know your remarks were said because you care about her, not because you were just being critical.
Get support for body image issues at the charity Beat (b-eat.co.uk, or its Youthline, 0345 634 7650).
Topic for today
THE G spot goes in and out of fashion with sex experts.
It’s sometimes seen as the ultimate for women’s pleasure and sometimes dismissed as irrelevant. The truth lies somewhere in between – my e-leaflet Understanding the G Spot explains. Email me for a copy.
He's on a lads holiday and hasn't phoned
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend is on a lads’ holiday. He promised to call but all I get are text messages that say he’s too busy.
We are both 24, living together and are in the process of buying our first home. He will be away for two weeks but it’s been six days now and he’s not called once.
I do not understand how he can be too busy for a five- minute catch-up.
I told him last night in a text I am feeling really sad, upset. He just said I was being ridiculous and he’s doing his best.
Am I selfish for expecting a call, or is he selfish for not making time for me?
DEIDRE SAYS: Far more important is how he treats you when he is at home.
If he’s normally loving and caring, don’t sit home alone. Go out with friends and send him some pics of you having a good time too. Make him want to race back to you.
If this behaviour is par for the course, is he really the man for you?
related stories
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Dear Deidre
HOW can I act like a normal father when I am in love with my daughter?
Her mum and I fell madly in love and married within months, but it’s been rocky. She has a temper and sex virtually stopped after our girl was born. I stayed as she is a good mum.
I’m 44 now. Our beautiful and successful daughter is 23. Two years ago she and I went on a holiday while her mum cared for her dad. I fell in love and she was quick to reject me, naturally.
The thought of her with another man destroys me. Hurt and jealousy are eating me up. Do I leave my wife and try to find happiness with someone else?
DEIDRE SAYS: I am so glad your daughter turned you down. Your feelings are unhealthy and damaging to you both.
A sexless marriage has meant you channelled all your feelings into your daughter, though it is possible you fell in love with her because she reminds you of the woman your wife was at her age.
Get expert help through the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (itsgoodtotalk.org.uk, 01455 883 300).