I’m pregnant with my dream man’s baby after amazing night – but he’s my sister’s husband and it would blow our family apart
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I HAD sex with my brother-in-law and now I’m pregnant.
I am 19 and he is 33.
I have a boyfriend who is 20 but I don’t think I ever loved him.
We were in the same class at school and he’s my rock but there’s never been passion in our relationship.
I have always had a thing for my brother-in-law. My sister is 28 and they’ve been together for nearly ten years.
He’s my dream man and I’ve been so jealous.
It got worse when they married and had a son.
I was so envious and I wanted him so much.
Last month my sister asked me to stay round there and help look after their son when she went away for a hen weekend.
I had a lovely day with my nephew.
When my brother-in-law came home we put my nephew to bed together — it was like my dream life — then ate together.
We had some wine and soon started flirting.
When it was time to go to bed we discovered my sister had forgotten to make up the spare bed so we agreed I’d share with him.
He just said goodnight and went to sleep at first.
But a while later he started cuddling me.
I have always had a thing for my brother-in-law
Cuddling turned to kissing and then sex.
It was amazing.
The next morning we had sex again before he left for work, and again that evening.
I was so happy but knew it couldn’t last.
My sister came back the next day and he texted me later to say he regretted what we had done and it couldn’t happen again. I agreed — sadly.
We didn’t use protection but I got the morning-after pill.
When I started feeling rubbish I did a test.
The pill failed.
The baby can’t be my boyfriend’s as we haven’t had sex for months.
I love the idea of having my brother-in-law’s baby but it would blow our family apart.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your sister would never forgive you if the truth came out – and such secrets tend to.
It’s unlikely your brother-in-law would leave your sister and their son.
You both behaved badly but he’s made it clear where his loyalties lie.
Don’t kid yourself that having this baby is going to be easy.
What would you tell the child about their father?
Your brother-in-law would have a legal obligation to support his child financially but he isn’t likely to be an involved and caring father.
My e-leaflet Unplanned Pregnancy will explain your options and talk it over with The Mix who help under 25s (, 0808 808 4994).
If your boyfriend isn’t right for you, be honest and break with him.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
ONE in ten men feel they don’t last long enough in bed.
Some have unrealistic expectations, as the average is five to seven minutes.
But if it is over in a minute or two, my e-leaflet Self-Help For Premature Ejaculation can help.
For a copy email me at [email protected].
He defied me to have the snip
Dear Deidre
MY husband went ahead and had a vasectomy against my wishes.
We’re 32, with four children aged from 12 to three months.
During my last pregnancy we both agreed there would be no more, and after the baby was born we discussed vasectomy.
He got the appointment through but the night before I told him I didn’t want him to go through with it.
I texted him on the way to the appointment to tell him again but he went ahead.
I’m so upset.
He doesn’t want more children but I probably will.
It’s changed my feelings for him. We have been happy up till now but I’ve asked him to leave.
DEIDRE SAYS: What does having more kids mean to you that you would end your marriage over it?
Your kids need you and your husband to work through this to rediscover your happiness.
Tell him you want to try again.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
I'm ashamed of my scrawny body
Dear Deidre
I AM too self-conscious of my body to take my kids to the beach or the pool.
I’m all skin and bone.
I am 33 and my wife is 30.
We have been together for eight years and have two kids. My body is my enemy but my wife says she loves me just the way I am.
My family say I’m silly.
They don’t understand how much I loathe my body.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you take yourself seriously, others will too.
Your negative body image may have started with taunts when you were younger.
Get a health check with your doctor to rule out any underlying treatable condition.
Involve the kids in sports such as cycling, running or footie and enjoy getting fitter together.
Work out at home with simple weights or bands to build and tone your muscle.
It is not a quick fix but you could look ripped in a while.
RELATED STORIES
My family hates me because of my gambling addiction
Dear Deidre
MY wife kicked me out, saying I have blown my last chance because I spend too much gambling and on myself while she struggles.
We are 28 and 27, with two young children.
I am desperate to try again but she says it is too late.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is likely she is worried you will backslide.
Get along to Gamblers Anonymous so she knows you are attending meetings and doing something about your problem ().
And tell her you love her!
Sex should be prescribed on the NHS
Dear Deidre
I’VE fallen for an escort girl.
I saw her out of pure frustration but she told me she was only doing the work because she’s raising money for her father’s heart surgery.
I could tell she was sincere.
I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m addicted to cam-girl websites.
I decided I needed to have sex properly.
I think it should be prescribed on the NHS.
I found this girl through an escort site and she was so different from what I expected.
The sex was good – not wild but OK.
She told me all about her dad’s heart problems and how she needed to raise £1,000 for him to have an operation.
He lives in Latvia, where she is from.
She is 22 and very attractive.
I’m 26.
I told her I’d like to meet her again and do something normal like go for lunch.
She said she would like to.
What do you think? Has a relationship got a chance?
DEIDRE SAYS: I doubt it.
Maybe she needs to raise money for her father’s operation but it’s more likely a sob story.
Very probably she has a genuine sad story to tell – of exploitation and having to hand over her earnings to shadowy figures.
Go out into the real world where you can meet a genuine partner.
My e-leaflet Finding The Love Of Your Life can help.
Girlfriend talks to men on social media... I can't trust her
Dear Deidre
I WORRY I can’t trust my girlfriend.
There are always boys in her Facebook messages and texts.
We’re both 23.
She says they are just friends but it is disheartening if she talks to them while she is with me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Switching off or at least putting away the phone is just good manners.
Lots of us are hooked on social media but you can help ensure she doesn’t need these “friends”.
Chat to her more and send her flirty texts and Facebook messages when you are apart.
Husband dumped me and daughter for mistress
Dear Deidre
MY husband left for work one morning and never came home.
It turned out he’d been having an affair for weeks.
I can’t seem to get past this.
We were together for eight years.
He is 32, I am 28 and we have a girl aged five.
Half the time he doesn’t turn up to see her.
Other times he is hours late.
Or he takes her to his parents and leaves them babysitting.
She misses him so much and I’m a blubbering mess.
I saw a picture of him with the other woman on his keyring the other day.
I felt like I’d been stabbed in the heart.
If I say anything, he says: “It’s been weeks now, why are you so mad?”
DEIDRE SAYS: That is his guilt speaking – of course you can’t get over his dumping you and his daughter within weeks.
Tell him his daughter needs to see him regularly so she knows he loves her.
Letting her down is cruel.
Would his parents back you up? They probably love seeing her but they may be horrified at his lack of responsibility.
If you or they can give him a copy of my e-leaflet When Parents Fall Out, it will help him understand his daughter’s needs.
Find ongoing support through Family Lives (, 0808 800 2222).
Teenage trouble
Dear Deidre
MY mates all think my mum is cool because she lets me drink and smoke weed – they don’t know my life is a real mess.
I’m 15 now.
Dad died when I was ten and Mum had a breakdown and wouldn’t stop drinking.
She ended up losing it and my nan had her sectioned.
Mum never talked to Nan after that and since coming home she hasn’t left the house.
She’d get into my bed and cuddle me when she couldn’t sleep.
We became very close – it was me and her against the world.
On my 15th we were drinking vodka shots and getting stoned.
We were out of it and Mum started teasing me about being a virgin.
We were messing about but somehow we ended up doing it.
We agreed it wouldn’t happen again but I’m really scared.
I’ve looked up incest on the internet. I’ve no idea what to do without landing us in trouble.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s your mum’s responsibility for abusing you but she would probably be seen as very troubled and needing treatment, not prison.
Get help as soon as you can so this awful state of affairs doesn’t drag on any longer.
ChildLine (, 0800 1111) will get you the help you need.
Dear Deidre
MY dad’s girlfriend moved in with us but I made life so unbearable for her and her kids she had to move out.
I am a girl of 18 and I live with my dad and brother, who’s 21, but Dad is almost always at his girlfriend’s house.
He is 46 and he’s been with this woman for eight years.
She’s 36.
If – rarely – Dad is with me and my brother she will make a point of ringing to call him back to her to help her with something.
She even had the cheek to say I should ask her first if I want to see Dad.
I love my dad and care about him but I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
DEIDRE SAYS: Do not try to prise your dad away from the woman he loves.
Instead, ask him if he will agree to you and him spending an evening together once a week, say, and the odd weekend.
Arrange to do something specific such as seeing a film or having a takeaway.
