I can’t get my ex-lover out of my head… is she the love of my life?

Dear Deidre

I HAVE been having wild sex with a woman I met at a party. Now she just wants to be friends – but I can’t stop thinking about her.

I’m 45 and have been unlucky in love. I have three children with two different women but none of the pregnancies were planned. I didn’t love any of these women.

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I still live with the mother of my youngest child, a boy of nine, but we lead parallel lives.

I met this new lady at my cousin’s 30th birthday. All my family were there and this woman seemed to make a bee-line for me.

She invited me back to her place afterwards and the sexual chemistry was amazing.

We started seeing each other after that night and I fell for her hard. We were always messaging each other and I thought we could have something serious.

She’s 34 and single but she then told me our relationship was over and she wanted only friendship.

I found it difficult to be just friends so I stopped contacting her. I was just starting to get over her when she sent me a message one night last week.

It was a selfie of her with my eldest daughter, who’s 20. They’d met when this woman and I were out on a date once, then ran into each other in town when both were on a night out.

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She told my daughter that she would love to see me again but I was too keen and that was why she had ended it.

She grilled my daughter about what I’d said about her. My daughter told her I was trying to move on with my life but this contact has got me missing her and thinking about her again.

I always seem to be hurt by women. It all started with my mother, who dumped me into care when I was two.

This woman made me feel so good, I thought she could be The One. If we are not going to be together, I want to put her out of my mind for good.

DEIDRE SAYS:
It’s unlikely to be just coincidence that you have fallen for a woman who isn’t looking for commitment – far from it.

Being abandoned by your mum at such a vulnerable age will have made you put up your emotional guard against any woman looking for closeness and commitment in case she hurts you, like your mum did.

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You are clearly very attracted to this woman but I doubt she really is the love of your life. Better see her as a sign you need to resolve those old hurts from the past.

My e-leaflet How Counselling Helps explains more. Meanwhile, look at your relationships with your children.

You were abandoned so you should be especially aware of how important it is you don’t abandon them. They need your love and attention.

Dear Deidre

MY GUY told another girl he loved her just after we had sex. I feel like a cheap tart he can have when he’s bored.

I am 20, he’s 25 and works away. It takes a couple of hours to get there but we have met most weekends since we got together six months ago.

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He seemed a bit distant last week even when we were having sex. He was constantly checking his phone.
When he left to get us a takeaway, I looked through his messages and saw some naughty pictures from a girl. She said she loved him and he replied: “Me too.”

I had to fight back the tears. This is the guy who said he would never hurt me.

DEIDRE SAYS:
Tell him you saw the messages and that he’s history.

He may say you should not have looked on his phone but there would have been no reason to if his behaviour had not been off.

My e-leaflet Mend Your Broken Heart will help.

Dear Deidre

I HAVEN’T kissed my wife for ten years because I am so ashamed of my teeth.

They are black and rotten but I can’t do anything about them because I’m terrified of the dentist.

I’m 44 and I just can’t smile any more. I can’t face people. I don’t open my mouth at work and I never go out now.

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My children are 13 and 15 and they don’t want me to go to school events because of my teeth. I have had so many bad experiences with dentists that I had a panic attack last time I went to see one.

I have a loving wife and two great children but I’m losing the will to live.

DEIDRE SAYS:
Go to your family’s usual dental practice and ask if they have a dentist who specialises in helping anxious patients to get treatment.

If they can’t help, get in touch with Dental Phobia (dentalphobia.co.uk).

My e-leaflet Afraid Of The Dentist? will help too.

Dear Deidre

I REPORTED my violent boyfriend and he was charged with ABH but I love him so I dropped the charges.

I am 28, he is 32. We had been dating for two years before he started criticising me and making hurtful remarks about my clothes and the way I speak.

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I tried standing up for myself but he just got angry.

He bruised my arm during a row when he grabbed me and regularly pushes me hard if I am in his way.

I eventually found the courage to report him to the police and he was charged with actual bodily harm.

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But I regretted it immediately and withdrew my complaint.

I know he has been through tough times so keep wondering if it is possible to work things out.

DEIDRE SAYS:
Your safest choice is to walk away. People who abuse others have often been victims themselves but that does not make it OK.

My e-leaflet Abusive Partner? explains where he can get help if he is really willing to change.

Get ongoing support from the National Domestic Violence Helpline (womensaid .org.uk, 0808 2000 247).

Dear Deidre

I SPLIT up with my girlfriend before she told me she was pregnant with my child.

She has since given birth to our baby but I am not mentioned on his birth certificate. What happens if she wants money off me?

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I’m 23 and my girlfriend is 22. We were together for eight months.

She then called to say she was pregnant and was going to have the baby.

She has a new boyfriend and we both decided it would be best for him to bring our son up, as he was with her for the pregnancy.

If my girlfriend demands some cash, do I have to pay as I’m not the named dad?

DEIDRE SAYS:
Yes. All fathers are financially responsible for their children, even if they aren’t named on the certificate.

Suppose your ex splits up with her new partner? He has no legal responsibility to the child – but you do.

Children’s self-esteem is higher when their natural parents are in their lives.
It’s not just about cash.

Your son still needs you to be a loving, caring dad, in for the long haul.

Families Need Fathers can advise you (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363).

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CONTACT DEIDRE

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