After 2,000 youngsters were reported for sexting, two mums give out controversial advice on porn and children’s sexual awareness

IT was revealed yesterday that more than 2,000 youngsters have been reported to police for sexting.

Now two mums are on a crusade to educate parents about the dangers their children face.

Journalist Allison Havey, 49, and former sex-crime prosecutor Deana Puccio, 50, were stunned by the revelations about what kids do, and how ignorant parents were of their children’s sexual awareness.

Their book, Sex, Likes and Social Media: Talking To Our Teens In The Digital Age, is out now. Here, the Londoners advise Sun readers how to navigate the most difficult of topics.

1. THE ONLY WAY TO UNDERSTAND

INTERNET PORN IS TO HAVE A LOOK AT IT

Be bold, take five minutes to research porn online yourself to get an idea of what your children may be consuming.

The concept of natural, human erotica is not what it used to be. Log on to free porn websites nowadays and you won’t find two people having sex in a candle-lit bedroom.

We may have surreptitiously looked at our father’s Playboy and Penthouse magazines. We saw what seemed (at the time) shockingly bold photographs of curvy, naked women alongside smutty stories.

Today, in comparison to modern porn and its content, those nude shots were frighteningly innocent.

2. DON’T BE SHY – TALK TO YOUR
KIDS ABOUT PORN

Do discuss pornography with your children. Experts suggest we start talking about online porn to children as young as ten-years-old. The majority of boys are going to watch porn, and we can’t control everything our children are exposed to inside or outside of the house.

You do not need to go into too much detail – it will be embarrassing enough for them, perhaps you as well – but do clarify that sex in these videos has very little to do with real- life intimacy.

We believe the time for shame and denial is over, and the sooner we speak to our kids about it, the better.

First we need to understand what they are being exposed to, how the images are affecting their expectations and self-esteem and then have the conversation.

The reality is, it is never too late to discuss these subjects. Why? Because our teens are watching porn, or at least they will do. Bear in mind the chat may be more of a monologue, with the kids often too embarrassed to join in.

3. TALK ABOUT HOW PORN IS DIFFERENT TO REAL LIFE

Many teenagers tell us that they believe porn is educational. Porn is NOT educational.

The teenage boys we speak to often laugh when we then ask them if they learn how to drive by watching the action film Need For Speed.

There is no intimacy in porn but, in most cases, there are oversized breasts, tiny waists, Kardashian-style bums and an aversion to pubic hair.

Remind your son that, according to Men’s Health, penis sizes are 30 per cent larger than average in porn, and 85 per cent of the females have breast implants.

4. BE EXPLICIT ABOUT PORN BEING ADDICTIVE

In the same way a drug addict craves drugs, a person who becomes addicted to porn craves porn. Dopamine is released when one experiences moments of sexual excitement and novelty.

Because porn contains so many “novel” visuals, the more these images are reinforced, the more likely it becomes that the user’s sexual tastes will alter too.

This change in the reward centre triggers porn users to compulsively search for a new way to get this “high”.

And then when someone has watched too much porn to experience that high, or sexual arousal, they will often feel the need to have the boundaries pushed. They develop a tolerance to it – and this can be a real problem.

5. DOES YOUR CHILD REALLY KNOW WHAT
‘CONSENT’ MEANS?

Young men and, in some cases young women, need to know when to stop their sexual advances. It really is as simple as that.

The focus of our discussions with teenagers, in terms of sexual behaviour, tends to revolve around the concept of consent. The blurred lines are more complicated than ever.

It is common knowledge that the legal age of consent in this country is 16, but what is crucial is that teens understand what that actually means.

6. OUTLINE THE SERIOUS ISSUES AROUND SEXTING

Sexting is, through no fault of their own, a hazardous practice for our children. We need to talk them through it – the ramifications, the law, and the emotions attached. Tell kids to take what is known as the “Granny Test”.

Before they hit the send button, they should picture how their grandmother would react if she saw their photo or post.

7. SPEAK FREELY ABOUT REVENGE PORN AND THE DANGERS OF SEXTING

It is crucial to point out that under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, it is illegal under UK law to take, hold or share indecent images of people under 18. Teens almost always find this surprising.

Sharing indecent images has given rise to the phenomenon called “revenge porn”.

This is the sharing of private, sexual photos or videos, of another person, without their consent, with the purpose of causing embarrassment or distress.

Explain to them the law around sexting – that it’s illegal to sext for anyone under the age of 18, tell them to think of the emotional and reputational damage it can cause, reaffirm that delete is not an option and that there may be severe and long-term consequences of impulsive actions.

8. TALK OPENLY ABOUT ONLINE GROOMING

Online grooming – a process by which an adult or an older teen establishes a relationship with a younger person via the internet or social media for the purpose of pursuing a sexual relationship – is of growing concern.

Speak to your kids about what to look for in someone who might be grooming them with the aim of establishing an inappropriate relationship.

These include things like being asked to keep their relationship secret, being asked to communicate at odd hours, being asked what they are wearing, or where a person is overly interested in their or their family’s schedule.

9. DEALING WITH PEOPLE WHO EXPOSE THEMSELVES IN CHAT ROOMS

Realistically, we will not be able to prevent what they see at school or while visiting friends, but we can talk to our children about what to do if someone behaves inappropriately online.

Tell them to log off, close the chat down, tell an adult and report anyone who has behaved criminally.

10. CYBERBULLYING, AND HOW TO COPE WITH IT

This is exactly what it sounds – bullying online, via text or social media.

Parents can play a more active role in helping support our children when they feel bullied or excluded.

What are your kids doing online? Find out. Who are they following? Which of their contacts are most aggressive? Which are more prone to gossip?

Ask your kids directly. And be upfront about advising them. Help them negotiate the more complicated contacts in their lives, if they allow it.

We don’t advise pushing them, as they need to learn how to handle these issues, but parents certainly can be an invaluable guide.