Incredible sex with podgy barman friend has left me guilty around my fit boyfriend

Dear Deidre

I HAD the most mind-blowing night of sex with one of my best friends but now the guilt is eating away at me because I have a boyfriend.

I’m 20 and this best friend and I work in an American-style restaurant.

He’s a bartender and I’m a waitress.

He’s 21.

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We’ve known each other for years but have become much closer since we’ve been working together.

He’s such a laugh.

I’d never looked at him in a sexual way though, because I’ve been with my boyfriend, who is 24, a year now and they are polar opposites.

My boyfriend is a fitness freak who works in a gym, whereas my mate is overweight and there’s nothing he likes more than a night out with me where we drink and eat too much.

Our work fridge broke down a few days ago and we had to close the restaurant because we couldn’t keep the food fresh.

My friend and I cleared the kitchen, then we cancelled some bookings.

He wanted me to try some new cocktails so we enjoyed an hour experimenting.

He then just blew me away by saying: “You know, I’ve always loved you.”

I was shocked.

He held my hands and pulled me close to him.

I got caught up in the moment.

I wasn’t sure whether to pull away when he kissed me but it actually felt really sensual.

We walked through to the back room and we started kissing again, and this time we didn’t hold back.

We had the most incredible sex.

His body isn’t in great shape but he is one incredible lover.

It was just the one night but I can’t stop thinking about him.

I’m wondering whether I should confess to my boyfriend.

I want to tell him but he had a reputation when we got together so we agreed that, if either of us cheated, it would be over.

DEIDRE SAYS: Passing your guilt on to your boyfriend will just give this one-night stand new life, hurt him, compromise your job and solve absolutely nothing.

If you need to offload your guilty feelings, do so with a counsellor in confidence.

My e-leaflet Feeling Guilty? can help there.

There was no sexual attraction with your friend, just lust which carried you away in the heat of the moment.

Tell your mate you both made a mistake and you must keep your relationship professional at work from now on.

But look at what has gone wrong with your boyfriend to make this betrayal possible.

It sounds as though your sex life isn’t the greatest.

Is your boyfriend ignorant of how really to turn you on – or lazy?

My e-leaflet, Thrilling A Woman In Bed, could help.

Be careful drinking those deceptive cocktails in future and learn from this that drunken, casual sex tends to leave a nasty feeling behind.

WIFE SAYS IT'S OVER BUT LIVES WITH ME

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Dear Deidre

MY wife has admitted she is seeing a guy at work and says our marriage is over, yet she’s still living at home.

Can we carry on being a family, going on holiday together, just not living together as husband and wife?

I am 40, she’s 38 and we have two daughters of 15 and 14.

We were very happy once but have drifted apart over the past four years.

I was made redundant and it put a massive financial strain on us.

My wife started going out for drinks straight from work, then staying over with “a friend” afterwards and not wanting to do things together at the weekend.

I confronted her and she told me about this guy.

Our children know but to the outside world it looks like nothing has changed.

DEIDRE SAYS: Drawing your children into keeping secrets, rather than resolving the issues between you, is setting them a damaging example.

Either fight to save your marriage and insist she stops seeing this other guy while you try, or make it clear to everyone you are no longer a couple.

Relate can help you sort this the best way for your daughters (relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234).

SHOULD I GIVE DATE ANOTHER CHANCE?

Dear Deidre

I HAD a date with a guy I met online but all he talked about was his exes and himself.

When he asked me something he made sure the conversation got back to him again very quickly.

It made me have doubts about him.

What really annoyed me was that I held the door open at one point and he walked straight through without even a thank you, let alone taking the door.

He thought the date went well and asked to see me again next day but I told him I didn’t think he was the right person for me.

He seemed shocked and then blocked me on the dating site.

I am 44 and divorced.

This guy is 43.

Friends say he may have been nervous and I should give him a second chance.

I have his email address but I don’t know whether to contact him.

DEIDRE SAYS: You could but he sounds self-centred and I doubt he will behave much differently second time around.

In fact, he might be unpleasant now you have dented his ego.

Trust your instincts that he is not right for you.

Fingers crossed the next guy will have more topics of conversation other than himself.

"TRYING FOR A BABY BUT I'VE LOST MY SEX DRIVE"

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Dear Deidre

WE have been trying for a baby for a year but my sex drive has disappeared.

I am 32, my wife is 29.

We’ve been together for five years and we are very happy.

We know it can take a while so we have tried not to get stressed over her not becoming pregnant yet.

Understandably she wants to have sex frequently but once every few weeks is enough for me.

I used to want it more often and she does not understand why I am so reluctant.

I love her to bits and don’t really have any answers.

She thinks I don’t fancy her.

DEIDRE SAYS: When you are trying to get pregnant, sex can start to feel functional rather than fun.

Lots of guys find it dampens down their libido.

So tell your wife you both need to have fun in mind as well as baby-making.

A year is long enough to be trying, so talk to your GP.

My e-leaflet Want To Have A Baby? has lots of self-help.

"MY BOYFRIEND REFUSES TO INTRODUCE ME TO HIS PARENTS"

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Dear Deidre

I’VE been with my boyfriend for a year but he still hasn’t told his parents about me.

It has caused arguments.

I’m a 23-year-old gay guy.

My fella is 31.

I’ve met all of his friends but not his family.

He only sees them two or three times a year, as they live in Devon and we are in London.

He is laid-back so is very open with friends about his sexuality.

My parents have always known I am gay so I find it hard to understand things from his perspective.

He gets very defensive when I try to talk about it. Is he embarrassed about me?

DEIDRE SAYS: Not everyone’s parents are so accepting of their child’s sexuality and this is not something you should pressure him into.

When he’s ready to come out, he can download a guide on how to tell his parents from FFLAG – Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (fflag.org.uk, or call 0845 652 0311 to order a copy).

CONTACT DEIDRE

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here.  Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

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