I adore my choir lover… but we’ll never be a duet because he won’t leave his wife

Dear Deidre

I AM having the most passionate affair with a married man. I can’t get enough of him and he is on my mind all the time but he will not leave his wife for me.

I met my husband when we were both still in our teens. I am 33 and he is 35 now.

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We have two wonderful sons aged 11 and eight. I love my husband but I have fallen out of love with him.

Sex is not brilliant either — always the same, in bed with the lights out.

Last year I joined the local ladies’ barbershop chorus to try something new and meet new people. My husband came along to the men’s chorus for a couple of weeks but decided it wasn’t for him. That’s how I met my lover. He is older than me by ten years but fun to be around.

We always chatted and soon started flirting with one another. Our choir went away for a weekend workshop.

I was so excited about the whole thing. It was the first time I’d been away on my own without my husband or kids.

We had a brilliant time singing and in the evenings we had a meal then time to ourselves. Me and this guy went for a walk one night and he kissed me.

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It was electric. Then we had a few drinks in the bar and he invited me to his room. The moment he touched me we both knew what we wanted.

We had amazing sex and he said some lovely things to me. That all happened a year ago and ever since we meet up whenever we can sneak time away. I know an affair isn’t fair on our partners but I cannot stop my feelings.

I can’t tell my husband I don’t love him as it would hurt him and I don’t want our kids going through a marriage break-up.

My parents split up when I was nine and I remember what a terrible experience it was.

My husband was a tower of strength when we met. I feel I owe it to him to stay faithful.

I know my lover will never be mine but he means the world to me. I am not the first woman he’s cheated with.

DEIDRE SAYS: You are one another’s escapism, and that is a sure-fire recipe for thrilling moments together. Almost certainly this affair is going to run out of steam.

The grown-up thing to do is to end it and walk away. My e-leaflets Cheating-Can You Get Over It? and 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex will show you how.

Dear Deidre

MY son has invited the woman his dad left us for to his wedding. I do not know how I will get through the day.

My son is 22 and marrying a lovely girl. I’m 45 and his dad and I split up when he was 16 after I found out he was having an affair with a local woman. Her coming to the wedding feels like a slap in the face to me.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your relationship with your son and his wife is what really matters. Be the bigger person by smiling and being civil to his dad and his partner. My e-leaflet on Wedding Worries will help.

Is it OK for me to date girl of 15?

Dear Deidre

I MET a girl online and we started dating. Then I found out she was only 15. I got scared and ended it.

I am 21. We met a few months ago and chatted for a few weeks before getting together. She easily looks 17/18 so I didn’t ask her age.

I then met her friends, who looked much younger, so I asked her age directly. She was upset I ended it.

We have been chatting for the past week. Is it OK for us to date, or should I end it once and for all?

DEIDRE SAYS: You did right to end it. She may well look mature but emotionally she’s the same age as her friends.

Ask yourself, would you want to hang out with other 15-year-olds?

While there is nothing to stop you simply dating, it is against the law to have sex – or sexual contact – with an under-age girl.

You would be best to move on and find someone nearer your own age.

I worry she'll leave me for better lover

Dear Deidre

I CAN only last minutes when I have sex with my partner. This leaves me feeling useless and her unsatisfied. I am 27 and my girlfriend is 24. I have been struggling with this for years and it’s getting worse. I worry she may find a better lover and leave me.

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DEIDRE SAYS: The more you worry, the less often you have sex, the worse this problem tends to get.

Focus on different ways you can thrill your partner. My e-leaflet How Men Can Last Longer explains self-help therapy.

Teenage trouble

Dear Deidre

MY mum died suddenly a month ago and I don’t know how to face each day.

I am 16. She had a heart attack and died at home. I was with her and dialled 999 but the paramedics couldn’t save her. It feels like the last straw for me.

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I was bullied at primary school and would beg my parents to let me stay home. I tried to lose weight but went too far and ended up in hospital. My parents were lovely and I hated disappointing them.

My dad and sister are devastated about losing Mum and I am no help as I am not coping either.

DEIDRE SAYS: What a terrible experience. Grief is painful and you are reacting in a very natural way to such a huge loss. Please don’t blame yourself in any way.

You’re not responsible for the pain your dad and sister are going through.

Life will be different but your mum’s love for you will always be there to give you strength in adult life. Have the courage to take control and don’t let anyone stop you. Talk to Cruse Youthline for support (, 0808 808 1677).

He hits me but I love him

Dear Deidre

I HAVE caught my boyfriend messaging other girls sexually and he’s hit me but I love him and keep hoping things will get better.

I am 17, he’s 18 and we have been together for ten months. At first he was kind and sweet. Our sex life has deteriorated and every time I start something in the bedroom he pushes me aside and says he’s tired.

If I corner him he gets nasty and pushes or punches me. It feels like I am in a relationship with someone very different.

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I know I need to get out but it is hard because I love him. He promises to change but it never happens.

DEIDRE SAYS: There is never any excuse for violence. Please stop hoping he will change and leave him now.

If you can’t get up the determination, look at why you find it so hard. Was there violence at home growing up? Do you worry you won’t find another boyfriend?

You deserve so much better. Find support via TheMix (, 0808 808 4994).

My son won't see me on his 40th birthday

Dear Deidre

MY son won’t see me on his 40th birthday. He says our relationship has broken down and I need to get on with my life.

I’m 61. He was only six when his dad and I broke up. I now think I was too soft, he never got a smack.

He lived at home until he was nearly 25. I thought my boy was old enough to look after himself by then and he had a good job.

I broke up with his stepdad and went to live with my mum who needed looking after.

I visited from time to time but he never took a day off to visit me. I spoke to his wife recently and she says he works long hours, six days a week so she doesn’t see much of him either.

I rang him and said he should spend more time with his wife. I then got a nasty text from her saying, “Leave me out of your argument”.

Now he’s says they are going away for his birthday. I’m heartbroken.

DEIDRE SAYS: You feel hurt and alone but going away for his birthday with a wife he doesn’t see much of is a normal thing for a 40-year-old to do.

Don’t take this as a rejection. Send a birthday card and ask when would be a convenient time for you to visit.

My e-leaflet Widening Your Social Life can help you to find new friends.

My fella is too strict with my teenage son

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend goes against my wishes over disciplining my son and it ends in them rowing. I feel he is being disrespectful to me.

I am 40, he’s 50. He recently moved in with me and my 13-year-old son. He has a son who is 25 but I tell him times are different, not least because of new technology.

He has asked me to marry him but I think he wants to control us. He can be kind and loving but it was easier on my own.

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DEIDRE SAYS:Tell him to leave it to you or your relationship will suffer.

But do think hard whether you have allowed your son to push the boundaries. Lots of young people react to too much screen time by becoming awkward and anti-social.

Talk over the specifics with Family Lives (, 0808 800 2222) to see whether this relationship needs adjusting or ending.

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CONTACT DEIDRE

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here.  Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

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