Is it ok to date my late wife’s pal?

Dear Deidre

I’M having a passionate relationship with one of my late wife’s friends.

I am so happy when I’m with her but are we doing something wrong?

I am a 37-year-old widowed dad of two brilliant boys aged four and eight.

My wife was only 35 when she died in a road accident six months ago.

I was devastated, even though we were more like best friends than lovers by then.

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My family rallied round and helped as best they could but I’m no cook and had never even used the washing machine before, so it’s been tough.

One of my wife’s friends is a single parent with two boys the same age as ours and has been so supportive.

She’s 28.

She suggested we take all the children to the park for a picnic and football.

I was a bit hesitant at first but didn’t see the harm so agreed.

We had an amazing day and got on so well.

She was very flirty and I found myself joining in.

It felt good to be with her and I was enjoying the attention.

I dropped her back home that evening and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. She hugged me close and gave me a lingering kiss on the lips.

I couldn’t help responding.

It was great just to be touched after months alone.

She texted me later that night to say how much she had enjoyed herself and asked if we could meet for a drink.

The boys went to my parents, we had a great night and she came back to my place where we had passionate sex.

It made me feel so good.

We have been seeing one another ever since but it has led to all kinds of problems with my late wife’s family.

They are up in arms about me having someone new, implying we had been having an affair before my wife died.

But she is a ray of sunshine in my life.

Being a single dad is hard.

I have had to give up full-time work.

I’m here with two young children and a bit lost.

Is it wrong to seize this chance of happiness?

DEIDRE SAYS: After the grief it must feel good to love again but it is early days.

Most people who work with the bereaved say it can take until at least the first anniversary before you are ready to move on.

Be careful not to rush things – especially with four children likely to be affected.

Talk to the most understanding member of your late wife’s family.

Insist you are doing nothing wrong and ask them to help you bring the rest of the family round.

But give it time and be kind and tactful.

Losing a partner is painful but very different from losing a child, as your wife’s parents have.

My e-leaflet Help For Bereavement explains about grief and where you and your boys can find support.

You can find company and understanding through WAY ().

My girl's hubby is so mean to her

Dear Deidre

MY daughter is living on the other side of the world and I’m worried sick about how her husband treats her.

She’s 23 and got a job in Singapore after college.

She met this guy there.

He’s 28.

I met him at their wedding and he seemed nice.

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But I saw a different side to him when I went over to help her after she had their little girl.

He told my daughter when to feed the baby and when to put her to bed.

Then he’d be demanding his dinner and sending her out for groceries – it was cruel as she was recovering from giving birth.

My daughter knew I didn’t like it but asked me not to say anything so I didn’t.

Now she’s told her sister that her husband makes her sleep in the spare room with their daughter, as he doesn’t want the baby around at night.

It doesn’t seem right.

DEIDRE SAYS: Keep communication open – Skype or Facetime while her husband is at work.

Can you afford to help her and your granddaughter fly over to stay with you for a while?

She might see her marriage clearer from afar.

Find ongoing support through (0300 033 7015).

She's set to ditch me and the kids

Dear Deidre

I THINK my wife is plotting to leave me and our two children.

She has been texting another man behind my back.

We both find it hard being parents and I am sure this is why she wants to leave.

I asked her to stop texting and she said she had.

But then I checked a few days later and she admitted they were still in contact.

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I am 34 and my wife is 32.

She has changed this guy’s name in her phone to put me off the scent and deletes their texts, which makes me feel she is hiding something.

She says she loves me and acts normally around me as if nothing has happened, but I think she’s trying to drive me to be the first to end our marriage and look like the bad guy.

DEIDRE SAYS: Lots of parents feel the strain when their children are young.

Tell her you can understand the temptation to get a buzz elsewhere but you both owe it to your children to try to save your relationship.

Can you draw a line under this, on condition that she cuts contact with this guy?

My e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex can help you still feel like a sexy couple.

BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.

Having a baby killed my sex drive

Dear Deidre

I’VE lost interest in sex after the birth of my second child.

I’m breastfeeding on demand and when my baby isn’t feeding, I play with my two-year-old son, do housework or catch up on sleep.

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I have tried explaining this to my partner but he thinks I am not attracted to him.

I have told him I think he’s gorgeous and love him but it doesn’t wash.

He takes me refusing to have sex with him to heart.

I am 28 and my partner is 29.

Is there any way to get things on track more quickly, or do we just have to wait and see?

DEIDRE SAYS: Having a baby makes many women go off sex – it’s not just the hormonal changes but the sheer exhaustion, and then the less sex you have the less you feel like sex.

Kissing, cuddling and massage, with no pressure for sex at first, is a good start.

My e-leaflet Sex Problems After A Baby should help but have a check-up if nothing improves.

I think my mistress had my son 25 years ago

Dear Deidre

I HAVE motor neurone disease and know the future is bleak but all I can think about is a woman I had an affair with more than 25 years ago.

We worked together and began an affair when we were both having problems in our marriages.

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We realised our affair was wrong and split up but I never got over her.

I got divorced and tried to find her but never did.

Then I found she had a son who I think is mine.

I am a 55-year-old guy.

I have been left with a huge sense of guilt.

I want to see my lover to make amends before it’s too late.

DEIDRE SAYS: I know you want to right any wrongs but you can’t be sure you are her child’s father and she may not welcome you marching back into her life.

My e–leaflet Tracing Someone can help you find her.

But write her a letter first so she can decide about any get-together.

Only DNA testing can prove whether you fathered her son.

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Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here.

Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

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