I keep having amazing sex with my ex … but he doesn’t want to get back together

Dear Deidre

I HAVE amazing sex with my ex whenever he comes round.

I’m helpless to resist him – though I know he will never get back with me.

He was my first love and I believed him when he talked about having a life and family together.

5

I am 21 now, he is 27 and we were together for three years.

I suspected he was seeing his ex but he said it was all in my head and any contact was for their six-year-old son.

He started accusing me of cheating, which I would never do, but it set off alarm bells.

Then he randomly ended our relationship, saying he didn’t trust me.

I messaged his ex, who confirmed that he was back with her.

She had no idea he had been in a relationship with me.

He was leading a double life.

He had been seeing her at the same time as he was with me, telling her how much he wanted his family life back.

She said he had booked a holiday to take her and their son to Disney World.

Things fell into place for me.

He gave me flowers and chocolates on my birthday but then said he was going to work.

In fact he had the day off work and he went round and had sex with his ex.

He was sleeping with her all the time he was having unprotected sex with me because we had agreed we would try to start our own family.

I wish I had got pregnant now and then maybe he would be with me.

I still love him in spite of all this.

He comes round to me and we have sex nearly every time.

I have told him I would have him back and he tells me how much he loves me, that I’m his best friend.

He says the thought that I will move on kills him but he wants his family together.

I have tried not talking to him but that only makes me feel worse.

I feel like I have lost a limb.

DEIDRE SAYS: He is having his cake and eating it, cheating on you and his ex.

Thank goodness you didn’t get pregnant.

Do you think his little boy has a dad he can rely on?

He was your first love and it can be hard to forget that but, if he truly loved you, he would still be with you today.

Even if you got back together, you could never be sure that he would not get up to his old tricks.

Stop having sex with him.

That is only keeping you tied to him and stopping you from seeing him for the love rat he is.

Break off all contact with him, get a sexual health check and get out with your other friends to start your recovery.

Then you will find someone much better, who will love you and never hurt you like he has.

My e-leaflet Moving On will help.

I get the blame for his cheating

Dear Deidre

EVERY time my partner cheats, he spins it round and blames me.

We’re in our late twenties and have been together for four years.

He left me for another woman two years ago but that fizzled out and we got back together.

I thought he would never hurt me like that again, though he had done it loads before.

Then I discovered he was texting and flirting with yet another woman.

He claimed it was innocent.

5

He recently went on a training course for work.

When he came back, I checked his phone and saw he was texting someone else.

I am going to visit my sister this weekend and he sees this as an opportunity to meet this girl – he keeps asking when I shall be back.

DEIDRE SAYS: Tell him he’s the one doing the cheating and you’re not responsible for it.

You can decide that you’d rather be with him, even if he is unreliable, than be alone, or you can tell him you’ll break with him if he cheats one more time.

In that case insist he see a counsellor because he’ll need help to change.

My e-leaflet Can’t Be Faithful? will help.

My fiance is addicted to food

Dear Deidre

MY fiance is addicted to takeaway food and has put on at least 2st.
He is only 24 and I am so worried.

I am 25.
I love him to bits and try to persuade him to eat healthily but he thinks I am getting at him.

5

My mother died of obesity-related problems and my fiance’s eating pattern is ringing loud bells for me.

He had an extra-large kebab for lunch last Friday, then a triple bacon cheese-burger in the evening.

DEIDRE SAYS: You are right to be worried.

Being seriously overweight is a real health risk.

Don’t ban takeaway food entirely but start by suggesting you eat healthily on weekdays and only have takeaways at weekends.

Also suggest you take up some exercise together.

Join a gym or go swimming together, compliment him and encourage him to take pride in his appearance.

BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years - especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.

I am 85 years old and have an erection problem

Dear Deidre

I HAVE a beautiful partner but our sex life needs help.

I keep fit mentally and physically and enjoy life to the full.

I am 85 years young, a widower but with a lovely partner in her sixties.

I have had problems with erections for years but my GP prescribed Viagra and with that I can achieve one.

The trouble is that I lose it as soon as we try to have sex.

My partner assures me that she will never leave me but we both want to find a solution to this.

DEIDRE SAYS: Good on you!

There can be a variety of reasons for losing an erection, so go back to your doctor and explain what happens.
There are different strengths of Viagra and it is possible that you need a stronger dose.

But it may just be that your nerves get to you.

My e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems explains self-help sex therapy.

Her Pa's drinking is tearing us apart

Dear Deidre

MY poor wife is at her wits’ end over her father’s drinking.

He is 75 and virtually lives in the pub.

He has fallen over many times when drunk and he soils himself repeatedly.

My wife does everything for him.

She goes round twice a day to see how he is and is always frightened about what she will find.

5

We are in our late forties.

Our children have left home, so it should be a good time for us but it is ruined by this issue.

Her mother divorced him over it years ago.

He has no money for bills and is always asking to borrow from us and others.

We have run out of solutions.

DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, neither of you can make him stop drinking.

He has to make that decision himself.

Your wife should have a word with her father’s doctor and, of course, don’t lend him any money.

Try to book to do something pleasant with your wife every week – even if it’s just a walk – so her dad doesn’t dominate your lives totally.

You can find support via Al-Anon Family Groups (or on 020 7403 0888).

5

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here.

Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

You can also private message on the Facebook page.

Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).