Fumble in the bushes made me realise I can’t stop cheating on my wife and my lover
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I LEFT a family party last week to go outside and have sex with a woman I had only just met.
I need to stop cheating on my wife but I’m out of control.
I have been with my wife for ten years and we have a daughter who is six.
At first it was OK but things started to go wrong when we got married.
I am 38 and my wife is 31. I have a 15-year-old son from my previous relationship.
He was jealous when we had our daughter and my wife came to hate him.
It caused huge problems and my marriage broke up over it.
My wife and I accepted it was over and started to move on.
I met a lovely woman who made me very happy. She is 26, has a great figure and the sex is brilliant.
But my daughter had an accident and my wife needed help to cope so I moved back.
My son has grown out of his jealousy and my wife and I decided to give our marriage a try. We are expecting a baby.
The trouble is that I just cannot help cheating. I am still seeing my lover, though she is getting increasingly fed up with the situation.
But I am straying with all sorts of other women too — any opportunity I get. I must have had sex with a dozen other women over the past months.
An especially shaming moment was at my wife’s cousin’s 40th birthday party last month.
My wife was dancing with her cousin and I got chatting to a woman at the bar.
I said jokingly that I would meet her outside in five minutes. I never expected her to be there but she was waiting for me.
We were soon having sex behind some bushes.
I know this is an appalling way to behave, especially for someone who is soon going to be a father again.
I want to be so much better than my own father. My dad was violent and walked away when I was a toddler.
My mum’s last partner abused me sexually and I still feel my life is a mess.
DEIDRE SAYS: The early stages of a new sexual relationship give you the buzz that makes you feel loved but the abuse you suffered inflicted emotional scars on you that are very real and have left you feeling unlovable.
You need to work through that. The National Association For People Abused In Childhood can help you find the right support (, 0808 801 0331).
Stop seeing your lover. It will actually be best for her and you need to make your marriage work for your family’s sake.
If you and your wife struggle, speak to Relate (, 0300 100 1234).
MY MAN WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend is great but he’s becoming very clingy. I am a gay man of 27, my boyfriend is 28 and his last partner cheated on him.
We don’t live together. We text and talk throughout the day every day but he says we don’t chat enough.
We see each other twice during the week and we spend weekends together but he always needs to know where I am 24/7.
He is worried I will cheat on him but I might crack. I love him but this could cause problems.
DEIDRE SAYS: Tell him to try to see your behaviour as proof of your love for him.
Spell out how much you love and value him each time you see him, and start and end the day with a loving text.
When he starts complaining, give him a hug.
My e-leaflet Coping With Jealousy explains how he can find reassurance.
My boyfriend refuses to leave his parents’ home but he doesn’t want me to share with friends either
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend refuses to leave his parents’ home so we can live together but he doesn’t want me to share with friends either.
I am 23 and he is 24. We have been together for the past two years.
I live with various friends, moving from house to house. It’s horrible and really unsettling.
A couple of close friends asked us if we would like to rent a house with them.
I think it is a great idea but my boyfriend said he is staying with his parents.
My friends suggested I move in with them alone.
My boyfriend is trying to put me off. He has taken it badly and become really nasty about it.
DEIDRE SAYS: He can’t have it both ways. Ask him to spell out just what is worrying him.
It sounds like he feels threatened but you need a proper home.
If it is not with him, it is going to be with your friends.
My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself will help.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
My boyfriend loses his erection when he tries to put on a condom
Dear Deidre
I HAVE had sex with my boyfriend just a handful of times because he loses his erection when he tries to put on a condom.
He has been to the doctor who says there is no physical problem but it’s no better.
He has reached the point where he keeps pushing me away. He won’t talk to me about it and he has even stopped touching me.
I’m 21 and he’s 20. I have tried romantic evenings and even told him not to think about sex.
I am starting to think he no longer wants to be with me. He keeps picking silly fights with me.
I’m scared I am going to lose him.
DEIDRE SAYS: Give him a big hug and say you love him and this can be easily sorted.
Suggest he practise putting on a condom without the pressure to perform when he masturbates.
It won’t matter if he loses his erection.
My e-leaflet on Erection Problems explains self-help techniques.
TEENAGE TROUBLE
My girlfriend won't stop calling herself fat
Dear Deidre
I WISH my girlfriend would stop putting herself down and calling herself fat.
She is perhaps a little overweight but pretty.
She is 16, I am 19, and we have been dating for five months.
I reassure her that she is beautiful and just does not realise it.
She agrees but says it is about the way she looks and that all she wants do to is to fit into the fashionable clothes.
We started working out together but that has died out. How can I help her to stop calling herself fat?
DEIDRE SAYS: Being a normal weight can feel hard when there are so many pictures of stick-thin models about.
If your girlfriend can’t accept that she is beautiful, keep reassuring her. It sounds like her self-esteem is low.
Workouts can be boring so explore what is available in your area – zumba, swimming or walking, building up to running.
My dad always cheated on my mum and now I find it hard to trust my boyfriend
Dear Deidre
I’VE started checking my boyfriend’s messages in case he’s cheating but I never find anything.
I love him loads but I find it hard to trust him, especially when he is with his friends.
I worry about what he is getting up to.
My dad was always cheating on my mum but lied through his teeth. He left when I was 13.
I am 17 and my boyfriend is 18. He is so good to me and understanding but it is affecting my whole life.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your dad’s cheating and your mum’s acceptance of it have damaged your trust.
Call the SupportLine for help to see this as separate from your relationship with your boyfriend (01708 765 200, )
When he is with his friends, get out with yours. You will enjoy yourself and not spend your time fretting.
