I’m scared the man I met online is just using me for sex

Dear Deidre

I’M having a relationship based on sex – great sex, but just sex.

I can’t help wondering, “Will it ever be anything more?”

4

I met a man online a few months ago.

We chatted for a long time before eventually meeting up for a drink.

I knew from the moment I met him that we would get on.

He is good-looking and a lot of fun.

I am 37 and he is 46. We’ve both been married before.

I have three grown-up children and he has two adult sons.

Nothing happened that first night but we continued to meet up once or twice a week.

One evening, he invited me back to his place after a night out and we had fantastic sex.

He is a brilliant lover and knew just how to turn me on.

It has got to the stage where we are meeting up four times a week but all he wants to do is go to bed for sex.

He does kiss and cuddle me and seems to be interested in how I am, but he isn’t into all the slushy stuff.

Is he just making me think he likes me so he can get what he wants?

It seems as though it is just sex to him.

We don’t go out socialising.

I have never met any members of his family even though he talks about them.

I haven’t met any of his friends either, even though I know he regularly socialises with them.

I have asked about meeting them but he just keeps saying, “You will, eventually”.

I am starting to fall for him but he seems to love his carefree lifestyle.

Is he just making me think he likes me so he can get what he wants?

I don’t want to confront him as I am scared he won’t feel the same way.

He might think I’m mad for even imagining that he has feelings for me.

How do I tell him that I want a proper relationship, not one that is just based on sex?

DEIDRE SAYS: By telling him just that.

The message is simple – but I understand your anxiety that he will then just back off.

You don’t have to be confrontational.

Just say you like him a lot and wonder if there is more than just sex to the relationship for him too.

Don’t sound as if you want a ring on your finger, but be open that you would like a relationship.

Tell him that being so casual isn’t really your thing.

If he has any serious feelings for you, he’ll soon be asking for more.

If he is not up for that, do yourself a favour and end it.

You will only end up feeling hurt and used in the long run, which will eat into your self-esteem.

In that case, my e-leaflet Finding The Right Partner For You will help.

Drinking stops me being a good dad

4

Dear Deidre

I KEEP taking money meant for bills and spend it getting stupidly drunk.

I know it is really selfish but I can’t stop.

I’m a 29-year-old guy.

My girlfriend is 26 and we have a baby girl together.

My girlfriend has had enough of my behaviour and says I have only got one more chance.
I know if I carry on like this I will lose my girlfriend, my daughter and my home.

I really want to change.

My girlfriend’s parents don’t think I can as I have done this so many times before.

It is really getting me down.

I want to stay off drink and act more responsibly.
I had a bad relationship with my dad growing up.

He was never there for me.

I want to be a better father for my daughter.

I am nearly 30 but act like I’m 18.

I am so scared I’m going to lose everything.

DEIDRE SAYS: Like anyone you can stop drinking and stay stopped but you need counselling for the underlying problems from your past that lead you to seek oblivion in alcohol.
Talk to your GP and Drinkline (0300 123 1110) to get referred for expert help.

You can break the pattern and be a great dad but she needs you to be sober.

My man puts off getting married

4

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend keeps putting off getting engaged and I worry I’m just being used to help him provide the right environment for his daughter

His daughter is five and visits us every weekend.

I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 27. I help to feed, wash and clothe her, and treat her as much my own as I possibly can.

Our relationship is perfect except I’m ready to get engaged.

My boyfriend says it will happen but he doesn’t seem to acknowledge how important it is.

He sees it happening in five years’ time.

He had a painful break-up with his daughter’s mum and she objected to his daughter calling me her step-mum.

He says his past hasn’t affected him but he won’t commit.

DEIDRE SAYS: He has a huge issue with commitment.

I expect he is wary of this turning out to be a repeating pattern – and he has his daughter’s feelings to worry about.

See a Relate counsellor together so he understands how different your relationship can be from his previous one (, 0300 100 1234).

If he refuses you have to decide how long to wait, but don’t let his girl feel she’s the problem.

The idea of my uncle giving me away is making me dread the day.

Dear Deidre

WHEN I got engaged my uncle asked if he could do the father of the bride duties as my dad isn’t around.

I agreed as we were very close at the time but my feelings about him have changed since then.

He’s borrowed money from the family which they couldn’t afford and has not paid it back, and he has caused a row by telling nasty lies.

I don’t know my dad and I have a strained relationship with my mum.

I’m 31 and my fiancé is 33.

The idea of my uncle giving me away is making me dread the day.

How can I tell him I want him there as a guest and my cousin to give me away?

DEIDRE SAYS: Weddings bring family tensions to the surface but it’s your day and your feelings matter the most.

Say there’s another important job you want him to do, such as a reading during the ceremony instead.

But don’t feel pressured or guilty.

This is your day.

We’ve been together for almost two years and have never had sex because I can't get an erection

Dear Deidre

I TELL my girlfriend that my unwillingness to have sex is because I don’t believe in sex before marriage but the real reason is because I can’t get an erection.

We’ve been together for almost two years and have never had sex.

I have never opened up to her.

I’m 25 and my girlfriend is 23.

I think it has happened because I used to pleasure myself from the age of 11 and got addicted.

I once tried Viagra but it didn’t work.

I did get a strong erection but it was short-lived.

DEIDRE SAYS: Viagra isn’t the answer.

Your body has become conditioned to respond sexually to specific stimulation, plus having sex with a partner means handing over half the control, bringing anxiety.

Now all your worry is adding to the tension blocking your sexual responses.

My e-leaflet on Solving Erection Problems explains self-help in detail.

4