My mum’s partner got me pregnant and now he wants to marry me and keep having sex with her

Dear Deidre
I AM having sex with my mum’s boyfriend and now I am pregnant he says he wants to marry me — but only if he can go on having sex with Mum.

I am 20 and they met when I was 15. They were just sex buddies, which I thought was weird at the time. I found him strange — he used to stare at me.

8

A few weeks after my 16th birthday he started talking to me about boys my age. I took it as fatherly advice.

The following weekend it got physical. He came round when Mum was out. He started kissing me and touching my breast. I told him to stop.

I told Mum and she was really angry. He didn’t try anything again for a while and in that time we became good friends.

Everything changed six months ago. I’d had my hair done and bought a new dress. He told me how he really felt and that he fantasised about me sexually.

We ended up having sex for the first time and it was amazing. We’ve had sex a lot since when Mum isn’t around.

I am now pregnant and Mum went ballistic when I told her.

All three of us had a family meeting. That was the first I heard that he wants to marry me and take care of his child. He admitted his feelings for me are different to those for Mum but said together we make him whole.

He is 47 now and Mum is 38. She tries to wind me up by telling me whenever they have sex and how good it is.

He says he will marry me straight away if I agree to him carrying on his relationship with Mum but I have told him he has to choose.

DEIDRE SAYS: He is a sexual predator who was grooming you from when you were still under age.

His only real interest is in getting what he wants sexually without any consideration for your needs or your mother’s – or your child’s.

Your mother is not behaving as a responsible parent should. She should have thrown him out.

You don’t say how pregnant you are but you need to think about how you are best going to cope.

Neither the father nor your mother are to be trusted to give you support.

The Mix is there for under-25s, whatever the problem (themix.org. uk, 0808 808 4994).

If you keep the baby, the father will be legally liable to help maintain his child financially. That does not necessarily give him any parental rights.

Teenage Troubles

Dear Deidre
THE father of my unborn baby died at the start of my pregnancy and my new boyfriend has told me he is too immature to handle it.

8

I am 18 and due in four weeks. I had felt suicidal but three months later this wonderful boy came into my life and I felt complete.

I could see us having a future and being a family. His mum and dad accepted me. He is 19.

When I asked him if I had done something wrong, he said he does not want a relationship now.

I have begged him to take me back. I am obsessed. I’m scared and don’t know how I will cope as a single mum.

DEIDRE SAYS: Losing your baby’s father was a terrible shock. Your new boyfriend made your hopes for the future possible again but he is young too and may be scared of being a dad. Stop texting and give him space. He may change his mind once the baby arrives but keeping on at him will drive him away.

Focus on you and your new arrival. Tell your midwife how you feel, and you can find understanding through Gingerbread (gingerbread.org.uk).

Dear Deidre

I PRETEND to be attracted to male heartthrobs such as Tom Hiddleston when it is their on-screen girlfriends I really find attractive.

8

I am a 16-year-old girl and had my first-ever crush when I was 12, on a female soap character. I know what I have is no passing phase.

My friends know and support me. My brother is OK too but my parents say things like: “Gay people can’t help it,” and, “It is a shame so-and-so is gay, they are so good-looking.”

My friends think I should come out and I do not want to hide forever. What if I go to uni and meet someone?
DEIDRE SAYS: Angst and mixed feelings about your sexuality can be a stage of maturing.

Your parents may be more understanding than you expect. They may worry it could make life harder for you but attitudes have changed. It’s up to you what feels best but when you are ready to tell your parents, first speak with FFLAG, which has a downloadable booklet How Do I Tell My Parents? (fflag.org.uk, 0845 652 0311).

She says we are more like siblings and she has more in common with him

Dear Deidre

MY wife began chatting to an old school pal on Facebook a few months ago. Now she has gone to live with him. I am heartbroken.

8

I am 48, she is 46 and we have been married for 25 years with two great kids who have now left home.

The shop where she worked shut a couple of years ago and she has been at a loose end since.

So she was excited when this friend got in touch. I told her to be careful as I had heard his wife had thrown him out and he was living with his son.

Their chats became more frequent and longer. He would text her late at night. We had a row the other weekend and she said she was going to stay with her sister. I thought she was joking but the next day she left. She’s now living with him in a rented flat.

She says we are more like siblings and she has more in common with him.

DEIDRE SAYS: She is caught up in the thrill of reliving her youth with this guy. But chances are real life will take the gloss off this new romance.

Write to tell her how much you love her and promise to ensure married life will be different if she comes home. But if she shows no sign of returning in six months, move on.

I find myself looking at Facebook wondering if she has slept with her male pals

Dear Deidre

I CAN’T stop wondering if my girlfriend has a wild past.

We see each other once a month but she’s wonderful. I am 27 and she is 25.

8

I said I didn’t want to know any details about her past relationships but I know she has dated lots of guys.

I find myself looking at Facebook wondering if she has slept with her male pals. I have this problem whenever I’m in a relationship.

DEIDRE SAYS: List the good things you share that makes your relationship right for both of you.

Focus on it when you feel insecure

I let him come home but keep wondering if something did happen

Dear Deidre

I WALKED into our lounge one morning and found my partner on the sofa with my best girl friend. He insists nothing happened and she will not reply to my texts.

We’ve been together for six years and have two boys aged six and four. I am 31 and my partner is 30.

8

I had postnatal depression after the second but my partner was great and took time off work to care for us all.

We had to move away for three years with his job but came back to our home area a few months ago.

I invited an old friend from school round for a drink but I was tired and went to bed early. I woke in the small hours and found her under my partner on the sofa.

I woke them up and threw them out. I let him come home but keep wondering if something did happen.

He has agreed never to have more than two drinks in future. He’s an amazing dad and brilliant partner but how do I get past this?

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s not surprising you saw red. But your relationship has survived a lot of pressure and overall he sounds a great guy who stepped up when you needed him to.

All relationships have bumps. Work at building trust for the future. My e-leaflet Looking After Your Relationship will help you through this crisis.

Why can't I rise to the occasion?

Dear Deidre
I AM 50, have a wonderful, beautiful, sexy wife of 45 but I cannot get an erection.

I ask my wife for help but she says if I really wanted sex my body would react.

8

The doctor said there was nothing medically wrong and it is all in my head. I just need to relax. I tried that but it doesn’t seem to work.

Even when I masturbate I cannot get an erection –­ though I then go on to climax. I never had this problem until a year ago.

My wife does not try to help so it feels an even greater pressure when she is in the mood for sex.

DEIDRE SAYS: Maybe your wife feels defensive but she’s mistaken. A 20-year-old may get an erection at the thought of a girl but it takes more hands-on stimulation as you get older.

See your doctor again to rule out any underlying treatable medical condition. My e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems will help.

Boss is proud of his rude habits

Dear Deidre

MY boss constantly passes wind in the office and seems to think it is funny.

I just started this new job but I am so miserable. This man’s habits and behaviour are absolutely disgusting.

I am a girl of 20 and need the money or I would simply walk out.

I could not believe ­anyone behaved in that way in front of others.

He’s in his 40s and he does apologise sometimes but you can see he is amused by the disapproving reactions of me and my colleagues.

How do we handle this sensitive situation without being rude?

DEIDRE SAYS: What an offensive habit and an unpleasant boss. Report this to his manager or, if the buck stops with him, write a letter and all sign it saying how you feel.

Acas can give further advice on workplace issues (acas.org.uk 0300 123 1100).

8