Dear Deidre

I HAD a threesome last night with two women I met on the internet.

I had high hopes but I let myself down as I couldn’t perform properly, even though the girls were gorgeous.

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My wife and I are both 43. She’s the love of my life and the mum of our two grown-up sons.

Sadly, she has medical problems with an underactive thyroid.

This means her sex drive is low to non-existent. My sex drive has always been high.

I did my best to not think about sex but it didn’t work.

I found myself thinking about sex all the time.

I started looking at internet porn but soon found it wasn’t enough and I needed real sex with a real woman.

So I found sex online.

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There are plenty of women out there who are willing to meet up.

At first it was now and then but it soon got more frequent.

I now spend all my spare time on the web searching for sex.

I meet at least two girls a week and sometimes see two or more girls in one day.

We have sex in my car or at their place.

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A lot of the time the sex is a disappointment — not just for me but for the girl I’m with, as I suffer from erection issues.

I thought threesomes would help but I’ve now done it twice and, to be honest, it wasn’t much better.

It’s costing more than I can afford too.

Can I get medication to calm myself down sexually?

I really do love my wife. I’m desperate to take back control of my life.

DEIDRE SAYS: I sympathise with your dilemma.

Thinking of sex all the time has become an addiction beyond your control.

I’m wondering whether your wife’s lack of interest is all down to medical issues or whether your high sex drive meant that perhaps you kept pushing for sex when she really wasn’t keen.

You have told me you love her but have you told her that? Recently and often? Read my e-leaflet on Different Sex Drives.

You also need help now to kick your addiction to sex – not medication but proven self-help tactics.

Check out the Kick Start Recovery Programme for free online help ().
Lastly, does your wife have her thyroid drug treatment reviewed regularly?

That could make a difference.

Suggest she see her GP and contacts Thyroid UK for advice about living with hypothyroidism (, 01255 820 407).

Loveless relationship is leading to marriage

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend is looking at engagement rings and wedding venues.

I love her but I am feeling trapped in this relationship and pushed into marriage.

I’ve tried to get out but I can’t.

We are both 26 and have lived together for three years.

I gave up my old life and moved to be with her and I’m very much missing my old friends and family.

Her aunt, uncle and cousins all live in New Zealand but they are coming over for Christmas this year.

She wants to have a Christmas wedding so all her family can be there.

I can’t recall that she asked me if I wanted to do this at all.

I’ve tried twice to break up with her but ended up backing down.

My girlfriend has anxiety issues and sees a therapist.

I don’t know how well she would cope if we split.

I don’t want to hurt her but feel like I have to escape.

DEIDRE SAYS: It is sad but the longer you leave it, the more hurt she will be.

If you are feeling rushed into marriage, tell her that the timing is not right.

But if you have realised she is not right for you, you must tell her the truth.

At least she will have support from her therapist.

My e-leaflet Ending A Relationship will help you find the right words.

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Sozzled girl let slip about fling with my partner

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend had an affair with his sister’s best friend.

It was a pure fluke I got to know about it.

We have been together for three years and it hasn’t all been plain sailing.

I am 22 and he is 23.

His sister invited us to her engagement party.

I went out to smoke and met another guest.

She said the girl getting engaged was her best friend.

She was drunk and told me she’d had an affair with her friend’s younger brother – my boyfriend.

I confronted him and he said it was just a mistake.

I’ve finished with him but he texts every day to say sorry.

DEIDRE SAYS: Simply saying it was a mistake isn’t enough.

Only give him a second chance if he is ready to talk about the serious changes that are needed to rebuild your trust.

My e-leaflet Cheating – Can you Get Over It? can help.

Violent boyfriend is making me have his baby

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend is bullying me to have a baby but I keep saying no because he is abusive and violent.
I have a six-year-old daughter from my previous relationship.

She lives with my mum as I suffered from severe postnatal depression after she was born.

My boyfriend torments me for not having her with me and tells me how useless I am.

Living with him is like walking on eggshells.

I want to leave but it’s hard when I’m so full of shame.

He is 27 and I’m 23. I’ve been with him for five years.

He’s a drug user and an alcoholic and takes no responsibility for his actions but his family say having a baby would be the making of him.

I can’t take that risk.

I have mental health issues and I can’t let another child down.
DEIDRE SAYS: I do see that it’s hard to get free – but you must.

And please don’t have a baby with him, whatever his family say.

Get advice and help with mental health worries from the charity Mind (, 0300 123 3393) and see my e-leaflet on Post-Natal Depression.

Contact the National Domestic Violence Help-line for tips on leaving your boyfriend safely and quickly (0808 2000 247, ).

He's a bore in bed -- Help!

Dear Deidre

I HAVE been having sex in the same position with my boyfriend for the past five years.

I’m bored.

He’s 26, a lovely man and I know he loves me. I’m 25.

We have sex just once a week as I can’t face more.

I have talked to him about it but he doesn’t like sex toys or oral.

He says I’m being mean and insensitive.

Does he feel lacking in experience or confidence in the bedroom?

DEIDRE SAYS: Show him my e-leaflet How To Thrill A Woman In Bed.

If he is not even willing to try, you might have to move on.

She can't accept my lingerie habit

Dear Deidre

I’VE had a lingerie fetish since I was 14.

I’m now 24 and it is stronger than ever.

I am a straight male and I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly two years.

I told her recently that I buy lingerie online and love wearing it under my clothes as it makes me feel great.

But she said just the thought of it was a big turn-off.

She’s seen me dressed up in it a few times but didn’t like it and wants me to stop.

I did for a while but I’m now wearing it under my clothes again.

I don’t want to lose her. What can I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: You have already tried to give it up and found you can’t.

Your feelings about this are likely to intensify.

I doubt if your girlfriend will change how she feels but it’s best not to lie.

Ask if she can accept this side of you.

If her answer is no, then it’s not going to work.

The Beaumont Society (, 01582 412 220) can help.

Hubby isn't my daughter's real dad

Dear Deidre

I’VE kept a secret for 19 years.

My husband isn’t our 18-year-old daughter’s dad.

I’m 42 and have always been faithful except for one drunken fling with a friend – the night I got pregnant.

I long to tell them the truth but I’m scared.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband must have had sex with you around the right time to believe she is his.

I see only pain in sharing your doubts but you can offload to Samaritans (, 116 123).

TEENAGE TROUBLE

I'm too scared to leave the house

Dear Deidre

I’M an 18-year-old guy and I keep getting insane phobias that come and go.

They can last several weeks or sometimes months.

Right now I have very bad paranoia about getting attacked in the street.

Last year I was sent a nasty message on WhatsApp from somebody threatening to hurt me the next time they saw me.

The fear has grown so much that I’m now scared of going out or talking to people in case they know the person who sent me the message and tell him where I am.

I informed the police about the message but they said there was nothing they could do.

Please help.

This fear is controlling my life.

DEIDRE SAYS: You are not alone. Compulsive worrying and anxiety affects one in six of us.

It takes the joy out of life and makes every day difficult to get through.

Talk to your GP and ask for help such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

Also check out Anxiety UK (, 08444 775 774).

I stopped self-harming but I hate the scars

Dear Deidre

I AM a 14-year-old girl and a former self-harmer.

I have managed to stop but I hate the scars on my arms.

I stopped self-harming months ago after my sister found out.

My sister cares for me as my mum is severely disabled and my dad died when I was 11.

I wear long sleeves all the time but in the summer that looks really mad.

My sister is 25 and is really kind but she has her own life.

My dad’s family always welcome me but I’m not very close to them.

DEIDRE SAYS: You did amazingly well to stop self-harming. You should be so proud of yourself.

First of all, I urge you to go on to LifeSIGNS ().

You will find lots of help, including advice about scar reduction and skin camouflage.

I am wondering too what support you have had for the loss of your dad.

Hope Again is there for young people like you ( or call 0808 808 1677).

Lastly, I’m sending my e-leaflet Help For Carers for your sister.

Email again if I can be of more help.

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