Revenge sex on holiday after husband killed my cat turned into passionate affair

Dear Deidre

MY husband had my cat put down to punish me for going away on a girlie break.

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I then had revenge sex with a young guy I met and it’s turned into a passionate affair.

I am 31 and my husband is 33.

We’ve been together since we had our first child when I was 17.

We have three kids now aged 14, 12 and nine, but my husband works long hours, even at the weekends.

He says he is providing for his family and there’s nothing wrong with that.

He started drinking heavily and we were just co-existing.

He is insanely jealous over social media.

He accuses me of sleeping around.

Sometimes he says these things in front of our kids.

One of my close friends asked me to go with her on a week’s holiday in Spain.

On my second day our eldest texted me that my husband had had my cat put down.

He told the vet it had scratched a friend of our youngest and nearly cost him his sight.

He did it to hurt me because I’d gone away.

Can I fall back in love with my husband or do I give new love a chance?

I got drunk that night and met a guy at our hotel.

One thing led to another and we had sex.

I wanted to hurt my husband like he’d hurt me.

This guy was only 23.

I met up with him again the next night.

We spent the evening kissing and dancing.

I returned home thinking I wouldn’t hear from him again but he bombarded me with texts.

Things were awful at home but I felt I owed it to my kids to stay.

I managed to meet up with this guy again — he lives 45 minutes away.

He wanted me to leave my husband but I told him I couldn’t.

My husband got hold of my phone and read all the messages.

I thought he’d be angry but he cried and cried.

I decided I owed him another chance so I’ve blocked contact with this other guy.

Can I fall back in love with my husband or do I give new love a chance?

I’m so torn.

DEIDRE SAYS: I do feel for you.

While you were in the wrong to cheat, your husband has a lot of work to do to repair the damage he has done.

I am not certain he can.

It was wicked to destroy your cat and shows what he is capable of.

It is a way of hurting and controlling you.

He is an abusive, jealous bully who needs to get help.

My e-leaflet Abusive Partner? explains where.

If he won’t get help, then you are going to have to look at parting.

Relate will help you work out how best to handle this (, 0300 100 1234).

My virgin lover is a porn addict

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Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend hasn’t had sex with me but uses porn all the time.

We’ve been together for two years.

He cries and apologises when I try to talk to him about it.

We are both virgins.

I am 23 and he is 26.

He looks at things on his laptop when I’m at work and pleasures himself then denies it.

If I ask him about it a week or so later he owns up.

I hate feeling unwanted.

The lack of sex and lying about masturbating is really getting to me.

DEIDRE SAYS: He may feel anxious about sex but this is wrecking your relationship.

Strong porn can blunt sexual responses for “normal” sex.

Tell him he has to stop using it and allow his responses to return to normal.

My e-leaflet How To Have Great Sex can help.

But call it a day if he cannot give up porn.

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Dear Deidre

WHEN should I tell my son that I split up with his mum because I am gay?

We were together for ten years and our son is eight.

Everything went sour when we split but we now get on like best friends.

I am 34 and my ex is 32.

I visit my son a lot but he gets very upset when I have to leave, which upsets me too.

I was bullied at school about being gay and I felt pressured by my family into getting married.

But now I feel I should be honest with my son.

DEIDRE SAYS: The younger children are when you come out, the less likely they are to have a negative reaction.

You don’t have to make it an intense discussion – he is only eight.

Keep the words simple.

Later you can explain how you were bullied when young.

But the main message he needs to hear is that you love him and have never regretted being his dad.

I want to see my father for closure

Dear Deidre

MY dad has been trying to find me but my mum wouldn’t let him see me.

I am a 20-year-old guy.

I live at home with my mum.

She has depression and tried to take her own life.

My younger half-brother has always been in contact with his biological father.

He turned to him for support when Mum became ill.

I haven’t spoken to or seen my dad since I was five.

I only recently discovered he had tried for years to contact me but Mum wouldn’t let him see me.

I want to see him for closure.

Maybe he can be supportive towards me.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your mum was very wrong to deceive you like this.

Tell her you realise it may be difficult but ask for any info that can help you find your dad.

My e-leaflet on Tracing Someone can help you and PAC-UK adoption and permanency support will understand how you feel (, 020 7284 5879).

TEENAGE TROUBLES

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend says that he has “needs to satisfy” and we can’t continue unless I have sex with him soon.

I have been a Christian for almost seven months.

I am deeply into my faith and that includes not having sex outside marriage.

I have been seeing this boy since before I was a Christian.

I am 16.

I really like him and I think I might love him.

The furthest we have been is to have a really deep kiss.

He says he is feeling very frustrated though.

I don’t want to be forced but I don’t want to lose him.

DEIDRE SAYS:  Nobody should ever feel forced into having sex against their will.

It is not OK for your boyfriend to try to control you and he has no right to blackmail you.

If he won’t respect your feelings over this, move on.

My e-leaflet Learning About Relationships can help.

Dear Deidre

MY brother calls me names like “slut” and “slag”.

He is nasty and rude and takes pleasure in provoking me.

He used to hit me a lot when we were younger but that has stopped.

I am a 17 year-old girl and he is 14.

He makes hurtful comments about my body and says my boyfriend only sleeps with me because he feels sorry for me.

Life is becoming hell for me and my family.

My mum has talked about boarding school for him but I know he would never go.

Is there anything my mum can do?

DEIDRE SAYS:  He is an unhappy young man.

His behaviour is unacceptable but don’t rise to the bait.

He will give up sooner if you ignore his taunts and he is deprived of the pleasure of upsetting you.

Your mum can find understanding advice at , 0808 800 2222).

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