Had sex with fiancée’s mum … now she wants to tell all about our guilty secret
Read Deidre’s personal replies to today’s problems
Dear Deidre
I HAD sex with my fiancée’s mum and now she says I’m no good for her daughter and she’ll spill the beans unless I call the engagement off.
I am 23 and my girlfriend is 21. We have been together for four years.
We’re really in love and got engaged on her birthday.
Her mum, who is only 38, came down from Scotland for our engagement party. She has always been a single parent but she is a very sexy woman and I realised I was starting to fancy her.
The party was brilliant and she was a great help and as a thank-you my fiancée planned to take her out for lunch, but she was called in to work.
So, she asked me to take her mum out instead.
It all felt rather awkward but over lunch and a glass of wine (for her) she told me she had not had sex for six months and began stroking my leg.
On our way home we pulled off the main road and had sex in an isolated wood.
She made me promise not to say anything as it would break her daughter’s heart. She got the train home the next day and I was just beginning to calm down when her text arrived. I haven’t been able to sleep, think straight, or eat properly since.
My fiancée can tell something is up but I think she assumes it is connected with my old gambling habit.
Her mum says she knows what she did was wrong — but she has the excuse of being lonely, which I haven’t.
She says her daughter deserves better than me and if we don’t split up she will tell her what happened.
What can I do? I love my fiancée but if I confess I know it will be the end of us.
DEIDRE SAYS: You did nothing that her mum didn’t do, no matter how she’s excusing herself. In fact, your fiancée would probably find it easier to forgive your betrayal than her mother’s.
Reply choosing your words carefully, so as not to inflame her mum further.
Say you realise you both acted stupidly but that your girlfriend would be more devastated to learn of her mother’s role – so it should be important for both of you to keep it from her.
Ask her to keep your secret as you will keep hers. Then keep your fingers crossed she will see your point of view – and stay faithful to your fiancée in future.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the . Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Teenage Trouble
Dear Deidre
MY foster sister is my childhood friend but she is making my life a nightmare. We are both 15.
She hid my laptop when I needed it the other day but when I had a go at her she turned on the tears.
She said she had bought me an apology present. When I looked, there was a chocolate bar on my bed yet the £50 I had been saving in a pot was gone.
She has already taken more than £100 from me and hasn’t paid it back. It’s unfair.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, troubled people don’t always respond positively to help – at least, not right away. Experiencing your supportive home life may be making her feel jealous.
Ask your friend and your mum to sit down with you and agree some ground rules for harmonious living – such as no-one helps themselves to anyone else’s possessions.
Find more support from The Mix, which helps under 25s (themix.org.uk).
related stories
Dear Deidre
IF you make a racial remark at school, you rightfully get told off but nothing is said if you are bullied for being gay.
I am 17 and was always picked on at school but none of my teachers were interested.
My life has been a nightmare for years. Even at home things are no better as my stepdad says I will get Aids and die. He has really messed with my head.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is hard to handle homophobic bullying at school but home should be a safe haven.
Your stepdad’s taunts are out of line and abusive.
Where is your mum in all this? Tell her your stepdad’s comments are distressing and you need her backing to get him to stop.
Contact ChildLine for support (childline.org.uk, 0800 1111).
Lover puts shoe fetish before me
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend likes to masturbate watching porn.
I am 32 and he is 39. I caught him at it a month into our relationship and he eventually told me he has a shoe fetish. I have indulged his fantasy to stop him feeling the need and blocked porn on our wifi and his mobile, so he searches high heels and boots on the web instead.
I do not have a problem with men watching porn or masturbating when in a relationship, but he tells me he isn’t in the mood for sex then uses porn when I am out the house. It is hurtful.
I am struggling not to end this relationship.
DEIDRE SAYS: Tell him he is risking losing your relationship. Can he cut down? If he’s willing to try, a sex therapist could help. Contact the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8543 2707).
I went out the other weekend and ended up snogging some random guy in a club
Dear Deidre
I LOVE my boyfriend but he wants us to get engaged and get our own place. The thought of it terrifies me.
I am 23, he is 24. I feel so young to be making such a commitment.
We have been together for three years but, lately, I feel our relationship is becoming more of a friendship.
I went out the other weekend with some mates and ended up snogging some random guy in a club. It felt amazing and I loved the excitement of it all.
I don’t know what to do. I do not want to hurt my boyfriend but I am just not ready to settle down.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your feelings for the boy in the club are a sign that you need to move on.
Be honest and tell your boyfriend how you feel.
You will be unhappy if you go along with what he wants so, ultimately, he will too. It sounds as if your relationship has run its course.
Everyone is fed up with me
Dear Deidre
I’VE developed a fear of enclosed spaces and can’t cope with flying, trains or coach journeys. It is wrecking the family’s holiday plans.
I am 39 and used to be an outgoing guy, enjoying long-haul flights and coach holidays in Europe.
Over the past few years all this has changed and put an end to most holidays. I panic if I am on a plane or a coach for any length of time.
I have suggested my wife and teenage sons go away without me but the wife will not hear of it, so everyone is fed up with me.
DEIDRE SAYS: I am not afraid of flying, just of being enclosed. I have spoken to others with similar issues who have tried hypnotherapy but without success. Will anything help?
I’d try hypnotherapy – it is as effective as the practitioner. My e-leaflet on Fears And Phobias explains how to find a reputable therapist and gives self-help tips.
