I fear fiancé will know I cheated during work trip to New York

Dear Deidre

I SLEPT with a colleague after a drunken night out but I am getting married to a fantastic guy in three months and I am terrified he is going to find out.

My sales team spent a week in New York at a conference.

On the final night we all went out for a meal, then on to a club to let our hair down after a hard week’s work.

I quickly got completely drunk and this colleague offered to take me back to our hotel.

I thought it was probably a good idea as I didn’t want to make a show of myself in front of my boss or the rest of my colleagues.

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We got a cab to the hotel and he walked me back to my room.

He came into my room to check I was going to be OK and went to the mini-bar to get me a glass of water.

I thanked him and took the drink off him.

I then reached over to give him a kiss goodnight.

The next thing I knew we were kissing passionately and our hands were all over each other.

Soon our clothes were off and we ended up having raunchy sex on the bed.

Afterwards I couldn’t believe what had happened.

It seemed to come out of nowhere.

I have been engaged for three years.

I am 27 and my fiancé is 28.

My colleague was equally stunned.

He is 29.

He insisted that it was a crazy one-off as he has a girlfriend who he loves.

I can’t help feeling guilty.

Do I confess to my fiancé what happened or do I put it down to a drunken one-off too?

I still love my fiancé and the wedding plans are all in place.

I couldn’t bear to lose him but I’m so worried he will find out.

I know we will be over for good if he does get to hear about it.

DEIDRE SAYS: You probably don’t deserve to get away with it but I think you will.

I doubt your colleague will say anything.

He has a girlfriend he loves, so what would be the point?

You may long to clear your conscience by confessing all to your fiancé but it would land him with a whole load of misery and actually solve nothing.

There was no excuse for what you did but there aren’t many people who have never done anything on the spur of the moment which they have regretted afterwards, especially when they have had a few too many drinks.

It is important to learn from this though.

Stop beating yourself up, forgive yourself but accept responsibility for what happened.

Make sure your relationship is as fulfilling as you can make it.

Stay sober in future and make a promise to yourself that there will be no repeat.

My e-leaflet Feeling Guilty? will help you to move on.

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I've got a crush on my male best pal

Dear Deidre

I THINK about my best mate last thing at night and in the morning when I wake up.

I am a 22-year-old bisexual guy and my mate is 21.

I have a massive crush on him and I think I’m falling for him, but he’s got a girlfriend, although I think he may be a bit bi too.

I hate the idea he might be too scared to talk to anyone about his sexuality.

I’ve tried to ignore my feelings but they are becoming difficult to ignore.

I don’t want to ruin my friendship with him but I’d love to blurt out the words “I’m falling for you,” and dream of him saying it back to me.

I’d never do anything to harm his relationship with his girlfriend but should I just take a chance and tell him?

DEIDRE SAYS: I am sorry for your pain but even if he is bisexual, he’s unavailable.

Telling him how you feel may make him back away.
If your heart is set on him, you will just have to see if his relationship comes to a natural end, which it will if they’re not really suited.

Then you could see if he is interested in you.

Give it six months, then be realistic and look for someone who is free to be with you.

My e-leaflet Bisexual Issues will help.

Website girl will have sex for £50

Dear Deidre

A GIRL I met on an adult website offered me sex for £50.

Should I go for it?

I went on the site out of sheer boredom a month ago.

I texted a girl asking to meet up with her and she agreed.

I am a guy of 23 and she is 19.

She said she usually asks for stupid money but she offered me a discount because I “seem cute”.

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I have not hung out with a girl for quite a while.

I try to go out and meet people but I don’t have much luck.

I know I am throwing money away but it is only £50 and the thought of it excites me.

I have enough self-control not to let it go too far.

I don’t see the harm of just meeting her once but I can’t decide what to do.

DEIDRE SAYS: Paying for sex is nothing like sex in a real relationship, which is what you would really like.

You also can’t be sure of this girl’s real motives.

I am hearing about a lot of online blackmail following some sort of sexual contact.

You’re more likely to meet girls who like you if you join local clubs or get involved in voluntary work where there’s no pressure to pull.

See vinspired.com, which matches volunteers with opportunities.

I wake up the next morning and have no memory of anything

Dear Deidre

I HAVE to get completely off my head with drink or drugs whenever I go out at the weekend.

I never seem to know when to stop.

It has got to the point where I pass out and one of my friends will end up taking me home and putting me to bed.

I am a 20-year-old girl.

I wake up the next morning and have no memory of anything.

I have got myself into something that I am really starting to feel ashamed about.

I know that if I carry on like this I will end up losing my friends.

Is there any way I can start controlling myself?

DEIDRE SAYS: Addiction is about blanking out emotional pain so look at what is missing in your life or what hurt you want to hide from.

If it was easy to resolve you wouldn’t be going for the chemical fix.

So ask your GP for counselling to help get at the real issues.

FRANK can give details of local support too (talkto frank.com, 0300 123 6600).

Is it time to end our marriage?

Dear Deidre

MY wife has gone from a fun-loving person who enjoyed sex immensely to someone utterly cold-hearted with no zest for life.

It all started when she was going through the menopause.

I am 54 and she is 52.

We have only had sex in the missionary position for the past five years.

Foreplay does nothing for her and she says oral sex is no good either.

She used to moan with pleasure but now she just lies there in silence as if she is hating every minute.

Is it time to end our marriage?

DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds as if she is as unhappy as you are.

The menopause can interfere with sexual responsiveness but I seriously doubt this crisis is wholly about that.

My e-leaflet Love And The Mature Woman can help but you need to start by asking your wife what changes you could make in your relationship as a whole that would make her happier.

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