I keep cheating on women since my parents died

Dear Deidre

MY partner caught me having sex with her friend in our bed one Saturday when I
thought she was out shopping.

She went ballistic at us both but it was far from the first time I have
cheated on her.

I have always fancied her friend and she flirted with me whenever we were
alone.

We had sex a few times in her car or at her house but this was the first time
at my house.

She is 36 and my partner is 43.

My partner says this is the final straw and has left.

Now her friend wants to leave her husband and move in with me.

I fancy the pants off her but I can’t see it working for long — it never does.

I am 45 and have had several long-term relationships but I could never be
faithful.

My life started going wrong after I lost both parents when I was 22.

My dad had a massive heart attack and dropped dead at work.

I never said goodbye and that hurt me.

Then my mum was diagnosed with cancer and only lived a few weeks after that.

I still miss them so much.

I also began to feel angry about things that had happened when I was younger.

I caught Mum with other men and I think my dad was involved insofar as he
accepted it.

I reckon they were both swingers but never got to ask them.

After they died, I went off the rails sexually.

I bedded any woman who was interested because it made me feel good.

I fell in love and was with one woman for four years but I was unfaithful and
it’s been a pattern ever since.

I am successful in business and have a lot of friends yet I feel so alone
emotionally.

How can I make up for my mistakes and move my life forward?

What should I do about my lover?

DEIDRE SAYS: It would be almost cruel to encourage her to leave her
husband when you know it would only be a matter of time before you cheat on
her.

Tell her to work on her marriage while you tackle what you know are serious
underlying issues first.

If your parents were wrapped up in their own sex lives, you probably felt
emotionally distant from them.

That left you with low self-esteem and the belief that the way to love is
through sex.

My e-leaflet Can’t Be Faithful? explains more and where to get the right sort
of support.

I want to find my natural father

Dear Deidre

MY mum sprang on me that the man who brought me up is not my natural father.

I am desperate to find the man who is before it’s too late.

I am a man of 40.

I get on OK with the man I thought was my dad.

When I asked questions, all Mum would say is that I do not need to know
anything as my real father was not interested.

She will only give me a name, though I believe she knows more.

Inquiries I have made so far have not thrown up any leads.

He has a common Asian name so I feel stumped.

It was your “real” dad who brought you up.

But it is only natural to want to know about your biological father.

DEIDRE SAYS: Talk to your mum again and say you believe it is your
right.

Promise to be understanding, as this may be a painful memory.

Then my e-leaflet Tracing Someone will help.

Still no benefits for ill daughter

Dear Deidre

OUR disabled daughter had to go into hospital and her benefits were stopped.

She was told they would take six weeks to reinstate but it has been six months
and still is not sorted out.

She is 33 and lives with her partner, who is also her carer.

She was very ill with pneumonia and in hospital for three weeks.

We have been paying their heating bills, council tax and rent but we are
pensioners and struggling.

I am ill with worry and not sleeping.

Neither is my husband.

I fear what the stress is doing to his health.

DEIDRE SAYS: What a terribly worrying time the past few months have
been for you all.

It is disgraceful that her benefits have not been reinstated.

Maybe it needs a more official-sounding voice to speak up for your daughter.

Scope provides advice on benefits for disabled people (scope.org.uk,
0808 800 3333).

Dear Deidre

MY ex allowed our son of 16 to have an unsupervised party at my home while I
was away for work.

He is 41 and he left us when our son was just 11.

They had little contact until two years ago but now they get on well.

I arranged for our son to stay with his dad while I was away but when I got
back it was obvious he’d had friends round to my house.

A couple of days later my son cracked and told me they nearly all stayed over,
he had smoked cannabis and two of the girls had sex with his friends.

I went mad and said it was best he stay at his dad’s until I cleared my head.
He has hardly spoken to me since.

He is a good lad but is young and naive.

Do I force him to come back? I’m 38.

DEIDRE SAYS: Even if he is pushing boundaries, your son needs you.

He may have withdrawn from you partly because he feels you rejected him when
you sent him to live at his dad’s.

Say you love him and want him home but have a talk first to agree ground
rules.

Cut him some slack and welcome his friends round but be firm that he must not
break the law as it could wreck his future.

My e-leaflet on Troubles With Teens will help.

Dear Deidre

MY wife had such a serious drink problem she ended up in prison.

She got clear but found out that I saw another woman and started drinking
again.

I feel so guilty.

We met four years ago and fell head over heels in love.

We are both 45.

She is very insecure after a difficult past and often hit me when she was
drunk.

She even tried to set my flat on fire.

One very bad night I threw her out and she went to stay at her daughter’s home.

She drink-drove a few days later and caused an accident that resulted in her
being arrested.

She got six months in prison.

I stupidly started seeing another woman while she was inside, which my wife
discovered from texts when she was released.

I love her so much but now she says our relationship is based on lies.

She drinks every day.

DEIDRE SAYS: Sad to say, your wife’s problems with alcohol began a long
time ago.

This is an abusive relationship.

She is needy but you can choose not to be sucked in.

My e-leaflet Dealing With A Problem Drinker explains more and you can find
support through the Men’s Advice Line for men in abusive relationships (,
0808 801 0327).

Dear Deidre

I THINK the boy I am dating is seeing someone else.

I am 22, he’s 24.

I met him in a club.

Things do not add up.

We only live a 30-minute drive from one another yet meet just twice a week.

He arrives at my flat late and leaves first thing in the morning.

Sex is amazing but he’s not interested in taking me out and he is secretive
with his phone.

DEIDRE SAYS: He may even have a wife and kids.

Pluck up the courage and tell him either he shapes up or ships out as this is
not what you want.

TEENAGE TROUBLE

Dear Deidre

CAN I get into trouble with the law for sending a pic of my penis to my
15-year-old girlfriend? I am 18.

We met a few months ago at a party.

My best mate is dating her older sister, who is in our year at college.

I thought she might be just a year younger, as she is very mature – and
drop-dead gorgeous.

As we danced I asked her for a date.

We went for a coffee and it was only then the penny dropped, as she talked
about taking her GCSEs.

We still flirted on Facebook and one night I sent her this picture.

My mate said I was wrong to do it and I could get done.

Now I am worried sick and she is asking why I’ve backed off.

DEIDRE SAYS: Sexual behaviour to someone under 16 is against the law.

Ask her to delete the photo and say you made a mistake.

Even if she was of age, sending photos like this is too risky to be worth it.

You can’t control how it might be used.

My e-leaflet Staying Safe Online explains more.

Avoid any further sexual activity with her until she is 16 at least.

She may seem mature but she can’t be more than her years.

Tell her why you backed off.

You can still date – just wait until her birthday to take things any further.

Dear Deidre

I LOVE my boyfriend but he is holding me back.

We have been together for a year.

He is 18 and I love him but lately it feels like we are going nowhere.

He has no vision of his future and is not interested in finding a job.

I am only 17 but am keen to get on and have a part-time job.

He never has money and my family say I need to let him go and get on with life.

DEIDRE SAYS: Go for it.

You have the right attitude about your future and work.

If your enthusiasm does not rub off on him, you cannot drag him along with you.

He can choose to follow your example or stay stuck.

You are maturing and it sounds like you have already outgrown him mentally and
emotionally.

If he’s not the one, don’t be afraid to follow your dreams.