Workmate put block on affair when I spoke of being ready for commitment

Dear Deidre

I HAVE been having an affair with an unhappily married colleague – but she seemed to panic when I said I was ready to commit.

She said she had to stay with her husband and then repeatedly blocked and unblocked me on Facebook. What’s going on?

I am in a relationship so we just started off talking as friends.

She spoke about her husband being a serial cheat who talks down to her at every opportunity and told me that she longed to feel like a wanted woman.

She is 12 years older than me but I said she is beautiful and should be appreciated.

I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 26. My lover has two children aged ten and seven.

I didn’t intend to start an affair but we messaged on Facebook and Whatsapp. We met up a few times and that’s when we kissed and had passionate sex.

I fell in love and cared so much for her. My girlfriend loves me but I don’t feel the same. We have tried to rekindle the spark but it hasn’t worked. I feel bad for betraying my girlfriend but the affair just seemed to happen.

My girlfriend found out and gave me the choice of either my lover or her. I was going to leave her because I adore my new woman.

But then she told me she didn’t love me and didn’t know if she ever would.

She said she had to stay with her husband for the sake of her children. She stopped communicating with me, deleted me off Whatsapp and then did this blocking and unblocking on Facebook. My heart is breaking. I love her so much and want her, but does she want me or not?

I cannot sleep and simply can’t seem to get over her. I just feel broken-hearted.

DEIDRE SAYS: When you break up a marriage with children it is a massive decision and your lover sounds like she is in turmoil. Her life may feel very bleak without you in it.

Maybe all this blocking and unblocking is her dithering over whether you can stay just friends, or perhaps it has deeper significance.

You feel so much for her, so ask one last time whether you should wait to make a go of things with her – but understanding it would almost certainly mean sharing your life with her children.

If she’s not ready to leave her marriage, then make a firm break yourself and don’t look to be friends with her, not even on Facebook.

Have as little contact as possible and work on either rescuing your relationship or leaving.

Long-term relationships don’t just look after themselves. Either put some energy into it or call it a day and free her to find someone else who will really appreciate her.

Family’s got it in for my husband

Dear Deidre

MY sister is getting married and all the family will be there except me. I can’t go as children are not invited and my family know I have no one to babysit for my kids. I think it was deliberate.

I’m 36 and my husband is 38. We have two children aged nine and seven. My family don’t like my husband.

We are very happy yet they have the impression that he is bossy and controls me.

My mum became aggressive when my husband joked with her recently and threatened to “punch his lights out”.

DEIDRE SAYS: Could your husband not have looked after your children while you went to the wedding? Be wary of adding fuel to the flames of this feud.

Unless there is something about your husband that you’ve not told me, this is more about your mum than your husband. Perhaps she herself grew up with judgmental parents.

Tell your family it is off-limits to be rude about your husband. They have a choice – change their attitude or you won’t visit.

You’ll feel much better for getting it out into the open.

Her son is hanging out with thieves

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend’s 16-year-old son let his friends into our house and they stole jewellery, a laptop and the spare keys to my car.

Then they stole the car, went joy-riding and caused hundreds of pounds worth of damage when they crashed.

My girlfriend’s son claims he knows nothing about the stolen items but they’d have needed time to search for the keys and jewellery. I can’t help but think he’s in on it.

He was excluded from one school and is on the verge of it happening again.

I’m 41 and my girlfriend is 38. We all used to get on so well until her son became friends with a group of people we weren’t keen on.

We asked him not to bring them to our house but he ignores everyone.

DEIDRE SAYS: Teenagers acting out often masks sadness, vulnerability or fear. Is his dad around?

Keep telling him you love him and are on his side – but teens need rules and consequences. Have a round-table where you sort out agreed ground rules.

My e-leaflet Teenage Troubles? will help and you can talk to Family Lives (, 0808 800 2222) for support.

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend got drunk and slept with his ex. I want to forgive him and try again but he needs to sort his head out.

His dad was abusive when he was young and his parents split up when he was seven.

He has kept it all in until now but he feels ashamed that it was somehow his fault.

I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 26. He’s in a really dark place and I think he’s falling into depression. I try to help but feel I’m being pushed away. He broke up with me because he feels he’s hurting me. We still talk but sleeping with his ex has changed everything.

DEIDRE SAYS: Clearly he is a troubled young man but you can’t solve his problems for him.

He was wrong to sleep with his ex – though people can behave out of character when they are distressed.

Urge him to see his GP. He may be more likely get help if he can’t rely on you – but be ready to draw a line and walk away if he refuses to.

Dear Deidre

I’VE tried dressing up and having a few drinks with my boyfriend to loosen him up but nothing works. He’s not interested in cuddling, let alone initiating sex.

We’ve been together for three years. I’m 35 and he’s 36. We’ve had an OK sex life but once he comes, that’s it.

We haven’t had sex for six months. I’ve stopped suggesting it now as I don’t want to put him under pressure. He has no interest in oral sex or anything else. He doesn’t know a thing about my body.

We row over it when we are drunk. I love him but I can’t be in a sexless relationship. I feel unattractive and get jealous if he talks to other women.

DEIDRE SAYS: Talk to him when you are both sober. Tell him he’s a lovely guy but sex is part of a relationship for you and you need to know how he feels.

Maybe he’s withdrawn and defensive because he feels a failure. My e-leaflet Thrilling A Woman In Bed could help.

topic4today

IF there can be any good from child abuse stories it is that survivors are realising they are not as alone as they thought. My e-leaflet Abused As A Child? explains common long-term effects and where to find support. Email me at [email protected] for a copy.

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