Hubby’s cheat video still haunts me and it is ruining our marriage

Dear Deidre

I CAUGHT my husband and best friend having sex in our utility room.

I wasn’t there but I’ve got it on video.

She’s been my friend for 20 years. We were in the same ward when our daughters
were born and our friendship has always stayed strong. She’s 42 and my
husband and I are both 43.

Her mum and dad both died last year then her husband walked out to go off with
someone else. I was there for her through it all.

I knew she was feeling needy and was likely to throw herself at the first man
who paid her any attention, so I wasn’t too pleased when she started
flirting with my husband.

She was making a fool of herself but I never thought she would try making a
fool out of me.

I work in a supermarket and it seemed like she could never remember my shifts.

She always turned up on the nights when my husband was home on his own. I
confronted my husband about this. He said not to worry — my mate was just
lonely and bored.

Then my sister sent me a text when I was stacking the shelves at work one
time. She said she’d called round and caught the two of them kissing by the
back door.

What my husband was getting up to while I was at work began to worry me so
much I got my nephew to set up some movement-activated cameras.

One was in the kitchen and they had sex in the utility room with the door open
so the camera caught it all. I showed my husband the video when I got home
and he went white.

He said it was a moment of madness which he totally regretted.

I then confronted my friend and she said it had been just a one-off.

My husband says he loves me and I don’t want to give up on my marriage — but I
can’t get those images out of my head.

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m not surprised. You can make a start by deleting that
video but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can simply shrug and move on.

They both behaved really badly and you want to be sure they both accept this
and know just how angry you are.

Your friend has been through a really bad time but that doesn’t excuse what
she did. Has she really said sorry and tried to explain?

But what matters most is your marriage. Be careful you don’t throw away what
you value. Most marriages go through a bad patch, so make this a time for
you both to take stock.

My e-leaflet Cheating: Can You Get Over It? can help you get through this.

Your friend needs to work hard on rebuilding bridges with you. If you’re
willing, suggest she finds help for the loss of her parents through Cruse (cruse.org.uk,
0808 808 1677).

Should I tell pal fiancé is gay?

Dear Deidre

I MET a cute gay man online but have just found out he’s due to get married
next month – to a woman.

I’m 29 and also a gay man. I often find people to chat to online and this guy
and I really clicked. He’s 28 and we soon bared our all on the webcam.

We arranged to meet up but I checked him on Facebook beforehand. I was shocked
to see he is engaged to a woman and has two little kids.

Not only that but he’s friends with an old pal of mine. I spoke to her and she
said his fiancée was thrilled to be tying the knot at last.

My friend begged me not to speak to her because she had just bought a house
with her fella.

She said I should talk to the guy, so I did, but he didn’t seem bothered.
Should I tell his fiancée?

DEIDRE SAYS: He is clearly leading a double life and that rarely ends
well. But blowing his cover won’t make it OK.

Talk to him, though. Say you hope he’s not risking his fiancee’s sexual health
and that if he’s hurting her then he’ll also be hurting his kids. And let’s
hope that that pricks his conscience.

Our girl blames us, not abuser

Dear Deidre

MY daughter was sexually abused by her cousin when she was 13 and he was 21.
Her dad and I didn’t tell the police back then and she blames us for that
now.

I didn’t know what to do at the time so I rang a helpline. They said not to
report him, as it would cause needless trauma for her. We took that advice
and supported our daughter as best we could. Years later she told us that
was the wrong thing to do.

We finally reported her cousin to the police. He will shortly appear in court.

I’m 51 and my daughter is now 24. She’s very upset by it all. She blames us
and says we messed up big time.

DEIDRE SAYS: You meant well. She is projecting on to you some of her
anger about the abuse she suffered then – though that was her cousin’s
fault, not yours.

Try to stay calm and tell her she can find support through NAPAC – the
National Association for People Abused in Childhood (,
0808 801 0331). You can find help at MOSAC which supports non-abusing
parents of sexually abused children (,
0800 980 1958).

Dear Deidre

I SAID the L-word to my boyfriend and he freaked. I said I was sorry and
haven’t dared say it again.

I’m 28 and he’s 31. We’ve been together for six months but I’ve no idea how he
feels about me.

His partner before me was very controlling. She moved herself into his flat
after only a month and stopped him from seeing his friends.

In the end he told her to leave and he met me soon after, but I’m afraid I’m
being tarred with the same brush.

I don’t want to move into his place and I encourage him to go out with
friends, but I’ve no idea if he loves me or not.

DEIDRE SAYS: I doubt he does either. What seems clear is that he’s not
ready for another relationship yet.

Why did he let her move in if it wasn’t what he wanted? Why did he let her
control him? Tell him to give you a call when he’s ready for love.

Hope that clears his mind and he makes that call soon.

Dear Deidre

I’VE always thought our sex life was good but my wife told me last night she
has never reached orgasm – she fakes it.

I’m 44 and she’s 38. We have three lovely children and I’ve always felt lucky
and loved.

But this has now knocked me for six.

It was my wife’s birthday and she doesn’t normally drink but had a few glasses
of wine.

She then came out with it as we got into bed. I was so shocked that I broke
down in tears. I cannot understand what’s gone wrong. She then said she
loves me and our sex life is “fine” – but I thought it was better than that.
It’s been brilliant for me.

DEIDRE SAYS: This might seem a disaster but it’s really a breakthrough.
Your loving wife has plucked up courage to talk about sex.

Tell her you’re glad she told you and ask her to carry on talking and showing
you what would really arouse her. My e-leaflet on Women and Orgasm can help.

Topic for today

THE average household is £6,693 in debt, excluding mortgages. Some people know
they’re sinking, others suddenly find themselves in trouble owing to
redundancy, health or a relationship ending. My e-leaflet Solving Debt
Problems helps you find free advice.

Get in touch

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