I’m a serial cheat after transgender op and it’s made me stop wanting sex with my long-term boyfriend

Dear Deidre

I’M addicted to having sex with strangers I meet on sex sites — even though
I’m in a relationship with a fantastic guy.

I feel so guilty.

I’m transgender. I was born a boy but I started dressing as a woman at
university and I’ve never looked back.

Now I’m a woman aged 30. I work for the local council. I’ve been there since I
got my degree and my colleagues accept me for who I am.

I met my boyfriend on a trip back from Spain. He’s 28 and he’s a cabin steward
with an airline.

He’s always known my history. He visited me every night he could after work
following my gender reassignment operation and took time off when I was
discharged from hospital three months ago.

I couldn’t wait to be a full woman — but the sad truth is, I now hate my body
even more than before. The surgeon has done a good job but it’s far from
perfect — not what I was dreaming of.

I felt down when my boyfriend was away, so I went on a male to female dating
site. I loaded up my profile and got some instant likes.

One guy started chatting to me and I arranged to meet him at his flat. He
wanted sex and I was curious to see if I could attract a man who didn’t know
my story.

He undid my clothes and stood back and looked at me and said: “Wow, you look
beautiful.” It really gave me a boost.

I had sex with him and then left. The sex wasn’t that thrilling — but finally
feeling attractive was. I must be a horrible person though, because my
boyfriend loves me so much and treats me right but now I’m addicted to these
sites.

Every time he is away with work, I keep arranging to meet anyone who gives me
attention.

I’ve been with eight guys so far. It’s been a mixed experience — they’ve not
all been as flattering as the first guy — but I love it when men want me.

The trouble is it’s made me stop wanting sex with my boyfriend so he knows
something is up.

DEIDRE SAYS: You have endured years of feeling you were in the wrong
body and can’t expect surgery to have magically transformed your inner
feelings too. You have to allow time for emotional healing and adjustment.

If you have any worries about the success of your operation, talk it over with
your surgeon. Explain to your boyfriend that you’re feeling insecure so he
can reassure you.

Tell him you need extra attention to arouse you and make a massive effort to
stay off those dating sites.

You’re risking your relationship and putting yourself in danger having sex
with random men. Contact the Beaumont Society who support the transgender
community (beaumontsociety.org.uk,
01582 412 220).

Could it work to live with ex again?

Dear Deidre

I’VE fallen for my daughter’s dad all over again and he wants us to be a
family but can it work after all this time?

I got pregnant by this man 15 years ago. He was married and he told me to have
a termination but I refused. My daughter was my only chance of being a mum
at 40.

He had a serious drug habit at the time too. I dumped him and decided to be a
single mum. It has been challenging as my daughter is very demanding. She
wanted to meet her dad a year ago, so I got in contact with him and we
arranged a meeting.

The old flame was lit once more and we have spent two nights together each
week since. I’m 55 now and he is 58. He says that he loves us both and we
are the best part of his life. He wants to leave his wife and move in with
us. I’m not sure it’s a good idea.

DEIDRE SAYS: You’re sensible to feel wary. Sharing lives a couple of
days a week is very different from living together non-stop.

Tell him you need to be sure he is thinking realistically and not imagining
life as a family through rose-tinted spectacles. You’ve no reason to rush a
decision.

Booze is turning ex into monster

Dear Deidre

MY ex’s drinking is turning her into Jekyll and Hyde and it’s badly affecting
my son.

I’m 40 and my ex-wife is 38. We have a 12-year-old son together, who I have to
stay most weekends.

My ex was always a drinker but over the past two years it has got a lot worse.
She’s abusive to me and our son.

I couldn’t care less what she does. But if it affects my son, it affects me.

She’ll wake him in the middle of the night to do the washing up or make her a
cup of tea. She sometimes tells him to go to live with me.

She’s fine sober but my son has to focus on school. Should I insist he lives
with me?

DEIDRE SAYS: You do need to take this seriously, for your son’s sake.

When she’s sober, tell her you’re worried about her drinking and realise she’s
unhappy and stressed.

Suggest to her that your son should stay with you on weekdays so his
schoolwork is not disrupted, and be with her weekends — as long as she cuts
down on her drinking and gets help.

She can speak to her GP or Drinkline (0300 123 1110). My e-leaflet Dealing
With A Problem Drinker can help.

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend has lost his mojo since he had an accident. He’s a painter, fell
off his ladder and shattered his leg, requiring pinning and surgery.

I nursed him through his operation and his surgeon says he can return to work
now but he won’t hear of it.

He can walk a mile to the shops and he walked a lot when we went on holiday,
but he’s now back gaming, morning, noon and night. We met on a gaming site
and had so much in common then, though he’s 46 and I’m 31.

We haven’t had sex for months. Should I leave him?

DEIDRE SAYS: Ask him what is really worrying him. Is it laziness or has
he lost his nerve for ladders?

Tell him his gaming is damaging your relationship. Maybe he needs a different
job but give him a time limit to cut down on screen time.

My e-leaflet Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive can help but if nothing is different
in six months’ time, best move on.

Dear Deidre

I’VE fallen in love with my fiancé’s older brother.

I’m 22, my fiancé is 25 and His brother is 35. My fiancé and I have a
one-year-old. We got engaged on his birthday.

My fiancé’s brother kissed me at our engagement party and I took a selfie. It
wasn’t a snog but he’s always on my mind.

I love my fiancé but I don’t think I’ll ever get married to him. He’s too
immature.

I text my fiancé’s brother and sometimes he sends me a wink or a kiss. How can
I make him notice me?

DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t. This guy knows very well you’re coming on to
him but he’s not interested because you’re with his brother.

You’re not being fair to your fiancé. If you’re not going to marry him, you
need to tell him this relationship isn’t right for you.

Ensure he keeps as good a relationship as possible with his son but my leaflet
Ending A Relationship will help.

Topic for today

A DOMESTIC violence incident is reported every minute, two women a week are
killed by a partner or ex, and men are victims too, though they can feel too
embarrassed to admit it. My e-leaflet Abusive Partner? explains the support
available.

Get in touch

EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.

Email me here, private message me on , or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

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