Hubby had sex with my sister and now I’m not sure I can ever forgive them

Dear Deidre

I CAUGHT my husband and sister having sex on our lounge floor. It gave me
the shock of my life.

I thought we were so strong together, now I am utterly lost.

We have been together for two years and have twin boys aged four. My husband
is 26, I am 23.

It has been a tough year. That afternoon I had been out fund-raising for our
local children’s hospice as my niece — my sister’s daughter — died from
cancer late last year. She was nine.

My sister, who is 30, is still not coping at all well and her husband has sort
of disappeared into himself.

My husband and I have been her main support and I was so proud of him as it’s
not been easy with our two boys being pretty demanding too.

That day I realised I had forgotten my mobile so popped home after an hour to
pick it up and there they were.

I ran out of the house, collected the boys from my friend where they were
playing with her little boy, and drove to my mum’s house. My husband came
after me but I refused to speak to him.

He keeps apologising, saying he loves me, that sex with my sister meant
nothing and he has no idea how he let it happen.

Apparently she had come round in tears again, he gave her a cuddle and one
thing led to another. My sister too is in pieces saying it will never happen
again.

I believe they are sorry for hurting me but I still cannot even look him in
 the face let alone sleep with him as he wants us to.

He thinks making love will put things right but I am broken and disgusted.

How on earth can we get through this and be the happy couple we were before?

We have been through so much together and he has always been my rock until
now.

I have been there for my sister too. This is how they repay me.

DEIDRE SAYS: There is no excuse but your sister has suffered a terrible
bereavement and people do sometimes behave totally out of character at these
times.

It’s good that your husband is desperate to make it up to you but tell him it
is too soon to just kiss and make up.

Men often tend to see sex as the way to get closer while women need to feel
close before they have sex.

You can get through this crisis and be even stronger than you were before. He
is going to have to start wooing you all over again and convince you that
you can trust him.

You must try to see the bigger picture – that it would be a tragedy to let one
mistake wreck your everything. My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It?
explains how.

You’ll need to take a break from your sister but try to keep your heart open
so a rift doesn’t split the whole family.

Dear Deidre

MY husband has a short fuse and is constantly fighting with my two sons.

He’s 41 and I’m 38. My eldest is 16 and he’s a good kid but tends to lash out
verbally and doesn’t always obey the rules we set for him.

He gets irritable and will stand arguing the toss for ages. He has few real
friends and his two best mates are online.

Our youngest is 14 and he copies his brother and that winds my husband up. He
does his schoolwork and gets good grades but I wish we could live more
peacefully together. I feel like I know the right answers but no one is
listening to me.

DEIDRE SAYS: Children copy the behaviour of adults around them and
seeing your husband lose his rag is brushing off onto the boys.

Keep rules to a minimum, and make them about staying safe and showing mutual
respect. Family Lives can help (familylives.org.uk,
0808 800 2222).

Dear Deidre

I CANNOT perform as much as my girlfriend would like and I fear she may look
elsewhere.

She has a much higher sex drive than me and that is becoming a problem which
really bothers me. I am 23, she is 20 and gorgeous. Guys always eye her up.

We have been together for four months and she wants sex constantly. She jokes
about buying a sex toy for when I cannot manage sex. I share the joke but
deep down I am terrified she will actually go to someone else for it.

Is there any way I can boost my sex drive to help me satisfy her needs?

DEIDRE SAYS: Lots of couples have different sex drives. If she wants
sex toys you may need to brush up on your techniques. Or is it that she
needs reassurance you love her. How often do you kiss and cuddle apart from
when you have sex?

My e-leaflet on How To Thrill A Woman In Bed? can help.

Loving wife has no idea I’m gay

Dear Deidre

I HAD my first gay experience a few years ago and it was mind-blowing.

I now have regular sex with this guy who is 40, but I have none with my wife.
She loves me so much and it would kill her to know the truth.

I am 45 and lost my virginity to my wife in my early twenties. It was great –
and a relief, as I was attracted to boys but homosexuality was not accepted
in my family.

We have a daughter, who is 21 now, but we hardly have sex now.

I finally started a gay relationship which has been wonderful. Everyone says
my wife and I are a fantastic
couple but most nights I want to go to my lover instead.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife can’t be happy about your marriage either.

You have some choices here. She could accept you having another relationship,
you could end your
marriage but without sharing your other relationship with the family, or you
could come out.

Your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of but an ongoing deception is. You
can find support through Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline (
0300 330 0630).

Longtime lover is only up for fun

Dear Deidre

I’VE been seeing a man for four years but I have never met his family or
friends.

We’re both divorced and agreed we don’t want to marry again or live together.
We get on really well, have loads of fun but he insists we’re still casual.

I want to feel special. He’s 45 and has a 15-year-old daughter but he will
only tell her that we’re friends. She doesn’t know that I stay over when she
is not there.

I’m 47 and have a married grown-up daughter who knows all about us. She and
her husband have met his daughter but they must only say we are friends.

I love him but my daughter thinks I am wasting my time waiting for him to
change.

DEIDRE SAYS: Four years is long enough for him to know whether he wants
to commit to you.

If you give him an ultimatum it might make him realise he doesn’t want to lose
you.

But don’t go there unless you’re clear you’d rather be alone than have your
feelings ignored like this.

If he only wants something casual, best finish with him and free yourself to
find someone who wants what you want.