My wife and I couldn’t stop arguing and were utterly miserable until we realised we were battling the same condition
ALLEN and Julie Redfearn have been married for 11 years.
They lived in blissful harmony until the occasional argument turned into daily bickering in 2023.
It got to the point that they'd spend every evening miserably sitting at opposite ends of the sofa.
After months of being at each other's throats, they made the life-changing realisation - they were both secretly battling the same health condition.
Here, coach driver Allen, 54, from Halifax, Yorkshire, who has two daughters from a previous relationship, tells their story.
'What the hell is wrong with me?'
Ever since we first got together, Julie and I always got on really well.
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We shared the same sense of humour and really enjoyed each other’s company.
But about 18 months ago, things started to change between us.
I thought we had a strong relationship where we could deal with anything, but now I felt that bond was crumbling.
We were constantly sniping and blaming each other for things.
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There seemed to be a cycle; one week Julie would be moody, emotional and irritable, and the next I’d be all over the place. It was almost as if we were mirroring each other.
At the time, I thought my mood swings were simply a reaction to how Julie was behaving. I thought she had the problem, but she noticed that I was acting oddly too.
I’d always prided myself on being very fit and active. I was in the Army when I was younger. I had also worked for the West Yorkshire Police and I used to play football regularly.
But at this time, my energy levels had hit rock bottom. Julie was the same.
Where before we’d both been very active, exercising, going out, doing things and socialising together, we now spent hours slumped on opposite ends of the sofa, mindlessly watching Netflix and eating takeaways. Or, we’d squabble over what we wanted to watch.
This was never a problem before, because we’d always compromise, or choose something we both liked.
But, one time Julie wanted to watch Say Yes To The Dress and I wanted to watch my favourite film, Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood.
It ended with Julie storming off to the bedroom. I just sat there stewing and fuming, thinking, 'I’ve had enough, should I just pack my bags and leave?'
I was no longer in the mood for a movie and I slept on the couch that night.
We didn’t speak until the next morning. This was becoming a regular occurrence.
We never got as far as having a full-blown, heated argument. I’m not the type to flare up that much. I’d rather just say, 'Let’s leave it there'.
For a split second, I thought perhaps, 'She’s trying to poison me!'
Allen Redfearn
Also, we’d met at a time in our lives where we both felt we were done with fiery rows and all that nonsense.
Instead, we would both retreat and there would be a frosty atmosphere. Some days you could cut the atmosphere with a knife.
That felt terrible, because I’m actually a very affectionate person. So is Julie.
Before, we would hug, hold hands and do things like stroke each other’s arms when watching TV.
I found the lack of affection really difficult and there were moments I’d think, 'What’s the point, why am I even here?' It seemed we were more like lodgers than husband and wife.
One time I came home from work and Julie said, 'I’ve made your tea, but you probably won’t want to eat it'.
I said, 'Oh what’s wrong with it?' My daughter shook her head and said, 'Don’t eat it'.
It was meat and mash that had been in the slow cooker for too long. I took two mouthfuls and said, 'I am so sorry, but I can’t eat it'.
Julie’s a fantastic cook, but that day her mind wasn’t on the cooking. For a split second, I thought perhaps, 'She’s trying to poison me!'
Usually, we’d have a laugh about something like that. But Julie wasn’t in the mood to see the funny side.
If we did go out, it was separately. And the intimate side of our relationship was also going downhill.
I’d always had a high sex drive and now our love life was becoming virtually non-existent.
Julie was often tired and she didn’t seem that interested anymore, which I took as rejection.
Communication between us was at an all-time low and we’d both get really grumpy and irritable with each other.
Things went from bad to worse. I felt snappy, forgetful and argumentative.
Like a lot of men, I bottled things up and never expressed what I was feeling.
It got to the point where I would complain to my brother rather than talk to my wife.
'We didn't trust each other'
I was low in energy and had problems sleeping. I put on weight and was feeling breathless, which was diagnosed as late-onset asthma.
I was given two different inhalers, which I had to use three to four times a day.
I’d never cried at movies in my life before – and now I’d burst into tears watching something. I would sit there thinking, 'What the hell is wrong with me?'
At one point, I even thought I was having a breakdown. I started to question the whole relationship.
It’s not that we didn’t trust each other. That was never an issue. It was just that we clearly weren’t making each other happy and I couldn’t understand where it had all gone so wrong.
I thought that Julie had changed and that’s what was affecting me.
We both agreed things couldn’t carry on like this. So, we made a point to sit down and talk properly to each other. We even got the kids involved and made it a family meeting.
We’d never done anything like this before. Having the kids there really helped us to see things more objectively.
They were quite blunt and pointed out that I was being moody and grumpy too.
It wasn’t just Julie who was having mood swings. We both were.
I felt physically and mentally exhausted a lot of the time and I could see this was having an impact on my relationship
Julie Refearn
We wanted to work out a way to move forward. We still loved each other and didn’t want to split up, but there was obviously something else going on.
It turned out that Julie was perimenopausal. As well as mood swings and low energy, she had also been experiencing other symptoms, including brain fog, weight gain, anxiety and her hair was falling out.
One of her friends suggested this could be something to do with coming up to menopause, so about six months ago she went to see her GP, who told her she was perimenopausal and gave her some information to read up about it.
He explained perimenopause is the phase leading up to the menopause, when progesterone and oestrogen start to gradually decline, and this shift in hormones was causing her symptoms.
Julie was prescribed HRT. But this didn’t work for her.
What did work was upping her dose of fluoxetine, a type of antidepressant (SSRI), which she’d been taking since her 30s to help with PMT (premenstrual tension).
She was also prescribed a low dose of propranolol (a beta blocker) to help with her anxiety.
Julie also started to look into what else she could do in terms of changing her diet and lifestyle.
In addition, she started taking Health & Her Perimenopause Support Supplement (£21.99 for 60 capsules – ), which contains vitamins B6, B12, C and D, magnesium, iron and zinc, red clover, wild yam, sage, maca, ashwagandha, lavender, ginseng and ginkgo biloba.
'I thought the manopause was a load of nonsense'
Knowing that Julie was going through perimenopause came as a relief because it explained why she had been going through all these emotional ups and downs.
In an effort to improve our health, we decided to change our diet by cutting out processed foods, drinking less alcohol and only cooking from scratch.
I used to drink about 10 to 20 pints of beer a month, and Julie would enjoy her Prosecco.
We also got a dog and started walking for an hour every day and going for longer walks at the weekends.
After a few months, we both started to feel a lot better. Julie was a lot calmer, but I still had emotional symptoms.
She thought that perhaps I was going through some mid-life changes of my own and said it could be the 'manopause'.
I didn’t have a clue about menopause before, let alone manopause! I thought it was all a load of nonsense.
As far as I was concerned, Julie was the one with perimenopause and there was nothing wrong with me.
'Manopause' – what is really going on?
THE male menopause, also referred to as the andropause, or manopause, is the term sometimes used to describe common mid-life physical and emotional symptoms experienced by many men when they reach their late 40s and 50s.
"‘Manopause’ is a broad way of describing a variety of mid-life changes that men may experience, which can leave men not feeling themselves,” says Dr Nathan Spence, senior NHS doctor and lecturer at Oxford University.
“Symptoms may include low energy, restless nights, fluctuating sexual desire, emotional changes, low motivation and trouble concentrating.”
Research shows that over half (55 per cent) of British men are suffering from three or more symptoms of andropause (male menopause, or manopause) and 82 per cent have at least one symptom, even though more than two thirds (78 per cent) have never heard the term ‘andropause’.
Of the 1,000 men (aged between 40 and 55) surveyed, 65 per cent reported experiencing low energy levels, problems with sleeping (30 per cent), weight gain (30 per cent) and muscle and joint pain (30 per cent) along with hair loss (27 per cent).
One in four (25 per cent) lost their sex drive, while 20 per cent had experienced erectile dysfunction, poor concentration and short-term memory issues (20 per cent).
So, what are the potential causes?
“Some of these changes may be linked to a gradual decline in testosterone levels which start decreasing in men by one per cent a year from their 30s,” says Dr Spence.
“By their late 50s, men may have lost up to half of their testosterone levels compared to their 20s. This hormonal shift doesn’t happen as abruptly as in women, but it may still cause some physical, mental, and emotional challenges that deserve attention.”
Other causes may include lifestyle factors such as poor diet, lack of sleep and exercise, drinking too much, and also psychological factors including stress, depression and anxiety.
“Raising awareness is vital, because these symptoms don’t just impact men - they affect their relationships, careers, and overall quality of life,” says Dr Spence.
“The survey revealed that nearly half of men find it difficult to communicate with their partners, and many said their changes negatively impact their work life, with some even leaving their jobs due to mental well-being challenges.
“Men often feel they need to ‘tough it out’ or dismiss these changes as part of ageing, but understanding that these changes may be linked to andropause can empower them to seek support and solutions.”
When Julie suggested I take supplements, I thought, 'There's no harm in trying', so I started taking Health & Him Andropause + Testosterone Support Supplements (£21.99 for 60 capsules).
I don’t know whether this is a coincidence, but after only two weeks, I stopped having to use my inhalers. This was incredible.
I stopped feeling breathless and, after about a month, I felt much more balanced emotionally. It sounds a strange thing to say but I feel like I’ve had a complete attitude change.
I’d always been quite level headed in the past, but it now feels like I’ve gone up another level.
As Julie and I were both much calmer, we could actually talk and listen to each other.
We started laughing and having fun again. Even the kids have noticed.
When my youngest daughter had an issue at school recently, instead of being furious, I just thought, 'What’s done is done, we all make mistakes when we’re younger', and talked to her calmly. She couldn’t believe it.
Looking back to this time last year, my relationship with Julie has improved dramatically.
This includes our sex life. When we weren’t getting on before, I would feel rejected if she wasn’t in the mood, but I have a better understanding of what she was feeling.
Our relationship right now is very rewarding. We’re communicating well and doing things together. In many ways we’ve become even closer.
Sex is no longer such a big deal. It’s only part of our relationship, so I no longer stress about it and the times we do connect now I enjoy it more, because we feel close again.
My advice to any couple going through what we went through is to consider that there may be underlying midlife health issues that need to be addressed.
And, if there are dietary or lifestyle changes you can make, or a supplement that may help, don’t dismiss it.
Julie, 47, shares her side of the story.
'I didn't recognise myself anymore'
I didn’t realise I was going through perimenopause until I went to the doctor.
I’d become this person I didn’t recognise anymore. I would get anxious about silly things that never bothered me before, like going out in the car at night.
Some days I would feel really overwhelmed at work and my memory was rubbish compared to what it used to be.
I had less energy, I’d lost interest in exercise and the weight started creeping on.
Where before I could just cut back on carbs for a week to lose a few pounds, this wasn’t working.
When the GP gave me some info to read up about perimenopause, I seemed to tick all the boxes – brain fog, depression, weight gain, restless legs, hair loss, anxiety.
I felt physically and mentally exhausted a lot of the time and I could see this was having an impact on my relationship.
Allen was being grumpy and irritable too, but I just didn’t have the energy to take on board how he was feeling.
All couples have moments when they don’t get on, but for us it seemed like we were veering off in two separate directions.
It was obviously very worrying, because we’d never been like that before.
We’d always had a laugh, but now everything was deadly serious.
I was going through all these changes and this made me feel more self-conscious.
When you don’t feel that attractive, you’re low in energy and all you want to do is put your jim jams on and go to bed, it’s hard to feel sexy!
This was no reflection on Allen or how I felt about him. It was more about my own insecurities, low mood and energy.
It took about a month after seeing the GP and taking medication to start feeling calmer.
Eating healthier, taking supplements and walking regularly also helped.
I had more energy, I was sleeping better and my hair had stopped falling out. It’s grown back and I think the nutrients in the supplements really helped with that.
Our sex life is back on track too. Allen is much more relaxed about things and there are no expectations.
Just knowing that we both love and care about each other is so important. So, when things do happen it’s even more special.
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When you’re going through perimenopause or menopause, it’s easy to become a bit self-absorbed and forget to look out for your partner.
But men also experience changes as they get older. We’ve both learnt a lot and as a result our relationship is stronger and closer than ever.
How to combat 'manopause'
Dr Nathan Spence, senior NHS doctor and lecturer at Oxford University, offers the following advice:
- Recognise that what you’re experiencing is valid and common.
- Open up to someone you trust – e.g. a partner, friend, or healthcare provider.
- Your GP can help to identify whether lifestyle changes, mental health support, or other treatments are needed.
- Simple steps like prioritising exercise, particularly strength training, improving sleep habits, and eating a balanced diet can significantly help.
“While eating a healthy, varied diet is important, it can be tricky to get all the nutrients you need to support your mid-life health,” says nutritionist James Davis .
“This is where taking supplements can help.”
Nutrients that can help to reduce the severity of symptoms include:
- Testosterone. Zinc helps to support normal testosterone levels in the blood. Combined with B6, it also helps to contribute to protein and glycogen metabolism.
- Energy. Vitamins B6, B12, C, riboflavin and pantothenic acid support energy production and reduce tiredness.
- Strong muscles. Vitamin D helps maintain muscle function.
- Mental wellbeing. Vitamins B6, B12, C, folate, and biotin help maintain psychological balance.
- Hair and Skin Health. Biotin and zinc support healthy hair, while copper contributes to normal hair pigmentation and vitamin C aids collagen formation for skin health.
- Vision Maintenance. Vitamin A, riboflavin, and zinc promote healthy vision.