I was high-functioning alcoholic mum on mission to get messed up – I wouldn’t have known if kids had fallen down stairs

RACHAEL Shephard, 43, from Hampshire, admits she had a drinking problem.

Here, she reveals how she tried to hold it all together for her two kids, while secretly falling apart – and how she eventually got sober.

It was 5pm and I was partying hard.

But not the kind of partying I had done in my 20s, hitting the bar and knocking back shots.

Once again, I was leaning against the kitchen counter in my pyjamas, bottle of pinot grigio in hand.

I’d become a master of “mum partying”.

How many times had I put my children to bed and then drunk more than a bottle of wine?

Most nights – before I quit drinking.

Would I have heard either of them fall down the stairs? I doubt it.

At the time, I didn’t even consider that it wasn’t a safe way to parent.

As far as I was concerned, alcohol was the antidote to parental stress.

Before I decided to give up booze in November 2021, I’d had a tumultuous couple of years.

My mum died suddenly, and while dealing with my grief, I was supporting my dad who had been with her for 42 years.

I was in the middle of a home extension and had to move in with my in-laws.

Then, soon after, my husband and I got divorced.

I was working full-time in law enforcement, running a small business selling care packages, raising two young boys, aged seven and four, alone and suffering from the debilitating bowel condition ulcerative colitis.

It was a tough time, and I soothed myself with one to two bottles of wine a night, having one day off drinking each week to prove to myself that I wasn’t dependent.

After I’d had the children, I’d slowed down my drinking, having been a devoted drunken reveller for two decades.

But as the baby years passed and the school runs began, I jumped back in.

I used to think I was smashing life and would pride myself on being a “weekend warrior”, when I’d juggle activities with my kids, whip up gourmet meals, run three miles a day and go out with my friends.

But in truth, I felt like I was wading through treacle.

I’d put my kids to bed early so I could drink myself into a coma

Rachael

I was the epitome of a “high-functioning alcoholic” – I wasn’t smashing life, I was crashing through it, while simultaneously getting s**t done.

I thought I was a great mum, but I’m ashamed of who I became – a mum who put her kids to bed early so she could drink herself into a nightly coma.

When I was hitting the wine, my aim was to get messed up.

I often made a fool of myself by saying inappropriate things.

Once, I got hammered at a one year old’s birthday party and, after a very public argument, called my husband the C-word in front of everyone.

Classy, right? I’ve lost count of the occasions where I’ve raucously discussed my sex life in earshot of people who really didn’t need to hear about it.

I had awful anxiety before I started drinking each night, fearful of what I would say or do after a few.

To turn off that feeling, I would get drunk as quickly as possible, caring a lot less about being a d**khead when I was plastered.

I was irritable all the time and quick to anger. I knew I needed to quit, but I was worried about becoming boring.

I’d tell myself I was just the same as everyone else and “not that bad”.

Then, after a drunken cruise holiday with friends in October 2021, I developed the shakes and couldn’t manage more than a few days sober at a time.

One day, I woke up after drinking off the back of five days sober.

I read a journal entry I’d no memory of writing the night before.

It said: “This does not feel good.”

If hangovers felt terrible and I wasn’t even enjoying myself when I was drinking, it was pointless. The resolve to quit finally stuck.

It wasn’t easy, but I made a conscious decision to divert my attention to my kids when the craving for wine surfaced at 5pm: jigsaws, board games, trips to the park, crafting, baking, anything that would serve as a distraction.

Getting off social media also helped to combat the constant influx of the stress hormone cortisol to my brain.

Alcohol provides temporary enjoyment, but there is always a trade-off.

Every positive feeling we derive from it is actually just a debt that we incur.

I’ve experienced countless benefits since quitting booze.

A bottle of wine contains around 600 calories, so I’m saving 1,200 calories a day!

The “anxiety” I had for 25 years practically disappeared and my depression eased.

Random pains in my stomach – gone.

Bank balance – much healthier.

And I’m now a mum who is present.

Sobriety has allowed me to focus on what I want and need from my life.

Historically, my relationship with men has been the same as my relationship with alcohol – dependent.

After getting divorced, I jumped into a relationship that was wrong for me, then I spent six months on my own, which was what I needed.

Now, I’m with a man I first dated almost 20 years ago, and it feels right.

Finding out what makes me joyful, and spending time with friends and family is crucial for my mental health and happiness.

This year will be my third Christmas sober.

Unlike previous ones, I won’t be hungover, I won’t burn the dinner or start an argument.

Christmas is now a time to be with family and friends and to hold on to memories I’d otherwise have forgotten.

If you’re thinking of quitting booze, be aware it takes time to recover and, for the first month, you’re hugely lacking in dopamine (happy hormones), so you will feel flat and bored.

I highly recommend committing to 90 days sober, because you’ll feel like a whole new human at the end of it!

What have you got to lose?

• Sober Mama: Breaking Free From The Bottle, A Woman’s Journey To Sobriety And Practical Tips For Quitting by Rachael Shephard (£10.99, Vie) is out now.