What is ‘eldest daughter syndrome’? The signs, symptoms and psychology behind the bizarre phenomenon
BEING an eldest daughter means feeling like you’re never doing enough and that you are accountable for everyone's happiness.
At least, that's what older sisters have been saying online under the hashtag #EldestDaughterSyndrome, which has amassed an impressive 24.7 million views on TikTok.
While not classified as a official condition, women around the world have started using the term to describe the emotional burden they take on while growing up (and never seem to get rid of).
As one woman (@peachescrisis) wrote on X: "Being the eldest daughter is like an unpaid internship for the rest of your life.";
Another (@amanihehew) added: '"Is your love language really acts of service or you're just the eldest daughter' the way I gasp..."
While someone on TikTok posted, looking tired, “POV: you’re the eldest daughter and you just mediated an argument between your sister, your mum, and your dad.”
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This is something that Dr Rina Bajaj (), counselling psychologist has come across in women she sees at her own clinic.
"Firstborn children, especially daughters, sometimes experience more pressure to set an example, excel academically, and take on leadership roles within their families," she tells the Sun.
It’s not that birth order itself influences a personality per se, but that birth order can impact how a family treats you, and sees you, and therefore how you end up behaving.
"Some parents tend to shoulder their eldest child with caregiver duties, teaching younger siblings and assisting with tasks around the house," Dr Rina says.
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And while these extra jobs can help make an older child more mature and competitent - beneficial skills to take into the working world - they can also be quite harmful.
"You grow up aware that you have a lot responsibility and high expectations to meet," Dr Rina says, "which, more often than not, leads people into being perfectionists as they try to reach these impossibly high standards."
Self-sacrifice
Again, perfectionism has its good points. It can help people achieve fantastic grades at school, or excel in the workplace.
On the flip side, several studies have also found that perfectionists have higher levels of stress, burnout, and anxiety.
"Constantly feeling the need to live up to someone else's expectations while growing up can also lead to a strong need for approval or validation from authority figures," she added.
Self-sacrifice is another "hallmark characteristic" of someone with eldest daughter syndrome," the psychologist says.
"This is because they are often forced into prioritises the well-being and feelings of others at the expense of her own happiness or fulfilment," she explains.
"Over time, this pattern of self-neglect can eat away the eldest daughter's sense of who she really is and what she wants from life."
Eldest daughter syndrome: signs and symptoms
Eldest daughter syndrome is the emotional burden eldest daughters tend to take on (and are encouraged to take on) in many families from a young age.
Some of the common symptoms include:
Perfectionism: Feeling pressured to meet high standards and expectations set by parents or self-imposed
Over-responsibility: Taking on a significant amount of responsibility within the family, such as caretaking for younger siblings or managing household chores.
Leadership qualities: Often seen as a leader or role model within the family.
Need for approval: Seeking validation and approval from parents or authority figures
Self-sacrifice: Putting others' needs before their own and neglecting personal desires or ambitions.
Souce: Dr Rina Bajaj
How to change it
So what can elder daughters do to try to improve thing?
Dr Rina says that "self-awareness is key" to making any positive change in your life, including issues relating to 'eldest daughter syndrome'.
"Try and spot patterns in your behaviour assisted with being an older daughter," she adds.
This can be as small as feeling the need to become the self-appointed "mum" on holidays with friends, or never feeling like you've done well enough at work - despite your boss telling you otherwise.
"You need to practice setting boundaries and prioritise self-care can help alleviate feelings of over-responsibility and perfectionism," she adds.
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It may sound unimaginable, but start giving and sharing out tasks among the family, instead of taking on everything yourself.
You’re not being selfish for occasionally sitting back and letting things goes wrong.