I know anorexia can kill but when I’m deep in it, I just don’t care – it’s like I’m possessed
"YOU can’t really feel real happiness or real sadness, you’re just numb to life," - that’s how one young woman describes what it’s like to have anorexia.
In a world where dieting, social media pressure, super thin models and talk of "miracle" fat jabs are seemingly everywhere, it can be easy for all of us to lose sight of what a healthy weight looks like sometimes.
But for those diagnosed with an eating disorder, food and weight are constantly all consuming.
Around 1.25 million people in the UK have an eating disorder, of which roughly 75 per cent are female, and 25 per cent male.
Most eating disorders emerge in those tricky adolescent years, when youngsters are faced with exams, peer pressure and the stresses of starting secondary school.
But anyone from any background can develop an eating disorder at any time - it doesn’t matter whether you’re 7, 17 or 70.
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A new documentary called Anorexic is airing tonight on Channel 5 to coincide with Eating Disorders Awareness Week (February 27-March 5) and specifically spotlighting anorexia.
The eating disorder is a serious mental illness that does tend to affect women, starting in their mid-teens and shockingly has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder.
According to the NHS: “People who have anorexia try to keep their weight as low as possible by not eating enough food or exercising too much, or both.
“This can make them very ill because they start to starve.”
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It can lead to muscle and bone issues, fertility problems, can affect the heart and blood vessels, as well as cause bowel and kidney problems.
Sadly, it can also result in death, but the earlier it’s caught and treatment begins, the better chance someone has of recovery.
The Channel 5 documentary, directed by Rachel Dupuy, tells the stories of Lottie, 19, Hannah, 21 and Emily, 19, who are all at different stages of treatment, and explores the impact on their families too.
‘LIVING ON A KNIFE EDGE’
When we meet Lottie she’s discharged herself from specialist eating disorder treatment in an attempt to recover at home.
First hospitalised at 16, she was considered “over compliant” because she did everything she was asked to in the facility, just so she could get home.
Now Lottie’s weight appears to be dropping still, endangering her health.
“You always think you're not doing enough,” says her mum Kate, who is torn between wanting her daughter to be home with her, but also wanting her to seek help or face being sectioned.
“I’m always trying to push her to eat more, but it’s just not that easy.”
Kate says it’s like “living on a knife edge” watching her daughter struggle with the anorexia voice in her head: “The lighter weight she gets, the louder that voice is.”
Heartbreakingly, Lottie is torn too. “I think I do want recovery, but I’m too scared to do it,” she admits.
“I do know the damage it can do, and that people die, but when I’m deep in it, I don’t care, I just don’t care.
“As long as I’m feeling what it [the anorexia] needs, I don’t care what it does to me or anyone else.
“All logical thinking disappears and it takes over you, it is like being possessed.”
‘IT IS VERY LOUD INSIDE MY HEAD’
Hannah is also home after a three month stint in hospital, and first developed anorexia around the age of 12-13.
She calls her anorexia a “devil” on her shoulder and explains how difficult it is to share what it’s like living with the disorder.
Hannah says: “Why am I doing this? I don’t think anyone will ever truly understand what it’s like in an anorexic mind, unless they’ve done it themselves.
“Even me, I can’t articulate exactly what it feels like in my head.
“I know that what I'm doing is wrong, but I can’t figure out why I can’t just turn around and stop it.”
She says it’s “very loud inside my head” and explains how exhausting it is having to “physically fight your own brain” in order to eat.
Where to seek help
If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, or are concerned about yourself or someone you care about who may have an eating disorder, speak to your GP and visit
Signs of anorexia include:
- if you're under 18, your weight and height being lower than expected for your age
- if you're an adult, having an unusually low body mass index (BMI)
- missing meals, eating very little or avoiding eating any foods you see as fattening
- believing you're fat when you're a healthy weight or underweight
- taking medicine to reduce your hunger (appetite suppressants)
- your periods stopping (in women who have not reached menopause) or not starting (in younger women and girls)
- physical problems, such as feeling , or dry skin
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Hannah is also well aware of what's at stake: “I know full well if this goes any further what this will do to my body, my organs will shut down.
“I won’t be able to have kids, which is one thing I’d really like to do with my life.”
Her mum says: “She’s very good at convincing herself and others that she’s fine, which is a dangerous part of it, because it’s then very hard to say, ‘You’re not, are you?’”
‘I’M NOT CURED’
Emily is hoping to leave hospital and start university, but first has to reach her target weight in hospital.
When she was 16 her mum noticed her becoming careful around food and she started exercising, but then really big changes became apparent during lockdown.
Emily’s mum says: “I wanted her to stop killing herself, and I just couldn’t do it.
“Her heart rate was so dangerously low, she could’ve just dropped and at that point I thought, ‘I’m going to lose her,’ that she might just drop dead literally because the body just can’t function anymore.”
The documentary shows how Emily’s recovery is progressing, but the teen admits: “It’s still in my head, I’m not cured, I’m not fixed.”
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She adds: “I’m trying to let go, but it’s really not wanting me to let go.”
Anorexic airs on Channel 5 at 10pm tonight.
Contact the Samaritans
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, contact The Samaritans on 116 123.
They are available for free at anytime.
Or email