It’s not just flushes that are hot during menopause – sex can be too, says Davina McCall
HOT flushes, cold flushes, anxiety, rage, bleeding gums, forgetfulness and even electric shocks – just some of the crippling signs that you might be perimenopausal or menopausal.
But the 13million UK women going through menopause are also dealing with another debilitating issue – loss of libido.
Around 40 to 55 per cent of women going through menopause suffer low sex drive.
TV favourite Davina McCall has decided that enough is enough – women should not have to suffer in silence any more.
Her latest book, Menopausing, written with Dr Naomi Potter, is a one-stop shop for any woman who wants to know more about the perimenopause or menopause.
Davina, 54, who is a supporter of The Sun’s taboo-smashing Fabulous Menopause Matters campaign, says: “I was 44 when it started.
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“I remember because it was so weird. I lost something of myself. I changed.
“I couldn’t quite pinpoint how I’d changed, but I’d definitely changed. I didn’t feel myself.”
Davina experienced a host of symptoms including feeling more self-conscious, dry skin, night sweats and brain fog.
She says: “The night sweats were particularly horrible because I was a heroin addict a very long time ago, in my early 20s, and the last time I’d sweated like that was when I was using, when I was basically going through cold turkey.”
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Two years later, in 2014, Davina was told she was perimenopausal and the relief when she started taking HRT was immediate.
She says: “A few years ago I started talking more openly about my menopause. For years I’d been aware of the risks of taking HRT.
“But the discussions I started to have completely reframed the way I looked at it. And I thought, ‘I have to get this information out there’.
“I can use my reach for good and inform women about their choices.”
- Edited extract by Natasha Harding from Menopausing by Davina McCall and Dr Naomi Potter, published on Thursday (HQ, £22).
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BE HONEST: Having honest, open conversations are at the heart of this – talking to friends, family, colleagues . . . but also with yourself.
BE AN AMBASSADOR: Use the knowledge you have gained and talk, talk, talk, TALK about it.
BE AN ALLY: It might be an unspoken hunch that something is wrong during a meet with a mate. Or you spot someone on social media who is having a tough time. Reach out and give some words of encouragement, some support, the offer of a listening ear.
BE LOUD: If you hear the same old myths being peddled, challenge them. Set the record straight. Offer an educated viewpoint, give people the facts, the stats, the information they need to make an informed decision for themselves.
WHY IS MY LIBIDO MISSING IN ACTION?
EIGHTY-four per cent of perimenopausal and menopausal women think having an active sex life is important — but 80 per cent said the perimenopause or menopause had affected their sex drive.
So many women tell me their sex life is M.I.A. and they aren’t sure they will ever get their mojo back.
I’ve been there. I felt spectacularly unattractive during my sweaty nights and my sore, dry vagina and my dry skin — and my brain fog. None of this made me feel sexy.
But I want you all to know that you can, and will, have mind-blowing, swinging-from-the-chandeliers sex during and after menopause (if you want it).
Oestrogen and testosterone are vital in terms of sexual function.
During the perimenopause, when levels fluctuate, you may notice your libido take a nosedive. You might not be as sensitive to touch or just not feel in the mood as often.
This can particularly be the case if you have a surgical or medically induced menopause (when your body goes into menopause because of medical treatment or surgery), because of the sharp decline in hormones.
And even if your mind’s saying, “Yes, let’s do it!” Your body is saying “NO”.
Vaginal dryness and symptoms such as UTIs can be a massive barrier to a happy sex life — and other things, like hot flushes or that tyre we put on around our waists overnight.
All of these things are terrible for our self-esteem, which in turn is terrible for our libido.
Before HRT, I felt that I’d changed so much physically, and I was so tired from not sleeping.
I was exhausted from waking up all those times during the night and it really affected how I felt about my body, which in turn affected how I felt about sex.
People often compare menopause to the world’s worst PMS.
You know, that time of the month where, for one week, you just hate everything and everyone.
Being menopausal can be a very lonely place. You can start feeling like you are the only person in the world who feels this way, and that no one understands what you are going through.
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But if you are in a relationship, that person has loved you for years, sometimes decades, right?
We’re in our 40s and 50s, most of us, by the time this hits, and if they have loved you for decades, then they are going to be there for you now.
In most cases, there is no one set reason why sex drive can suffer during menopause.
Here are a few of the culprits.
Vaginal dryness: Sore and painful, it’s a huge barrier to a healthy and fulfilling sex life. Your vagina is less lubricated, more susceptible to infection, and dryness can also affect the clitoris, too.
UTIs and other infections: Likewise, the oestrogen drop can also trigger similar changes in the urethra and leave you at risk of UTIs.
Other physical symptoms: Hot flushes and night sweats or weight gain can really affect your self-esteem.
Relationship problems: Often work and home stress, plus relationship tension, can spill over into your sex life. A lack of communication or feeling irritable, frustrated or exasperated with your partner is hardly the recipe for a night of passion.
Add overwhelming tiredness, crippling headaches and aches and pains into the mix, and it is no wonder sex might be the last thing on your mind.
Menopause symptoms (The ones you know and the ones no one tells you about)
- Hair loss
- Dry eyes
- Tinnitus
- Burning mouth
- Bleeding gums
- Palpitations
- Sore breasts
- Weight gain
- Dry, itchy skin
- Aching joints and muscles
- Fatigue
- Mood swings
- Brain fog
- UTIs
- Low sex drive
- Changing periods
- Vaginal dryness
What can I do about it?
KEEPING the lines of communication open with your partner is key.
If your relationship is on solid ground, it will only help your sex life.
Talk about how you are feeling and let them know how they can help.
I think it’s really helpful if you say, ‘This is what I need you to do’. The first step in rediscovering your sex drive is addressing hormone issues.
And the first line of treatment would normally be HRT. This will help with symptoms such as fatigue, hot flushes and low mood, and this in itself can get your libido back fairly quickly.
If you suffer from vaginal dryness or recurrent UTIs, you may benefit from a topical oestrogen.
Applying oestrogen products directly to your vagina and vulva can ease symptoms and re-oestrogenise the tissues to enable them to become soft, supple and lubricated again.
There’s a variety of types to choose from, including gel, creams, tablets and rings. Which one you opt for depends on personal preference and what fits in with your lifestyle.
Topical oestrogen carries practically no risk because it delivers oestrogen directly to the vagina and there is minimal absorption. You can use it for as long as you are feeling the benefits, because it is safe to use indefinitely.
There are also non-hormonal treatments such as water or oil-based lubricants and moisturisers that can improve dryness and make sex more comfortable. Once you are established on HRT, if your libido is still low, then testosterone may help.
Returning testosterone to normal levels can help to increase libido, and improve sexual function and orgasms. Testosterone can be particularly important if you have had an early or surgical menopause, because symptoms of testosterone deficiency tend to be more profound.
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A surgical menopause is a menopause that occurs immediately during surgery, when a sudden loss of testosterone can be very apparent.
This is a revolution. So if there’s something that you’ve discovered and works for you, tell your friends about it. In fact, tell everyone about it. We all deserve to enjoy ourselves, with a partner or solo.
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5 ways to make you look and feel younger
SMILE: Smiling makes you seem warm, positive, approachable and just someone people will want to be around. It is super-sexy, too.
GET YOUR TEETH DONE: You can’t underestimate the power of a lovely set of gnashers. People love seeing a big smile, and getting your teeth fixed is a huge confidence boost (if you can afford it).
HITCH UP THOSE PUPPIES: Go and get a bra fitting. Buy something new – whether it’s comfy, sexy, supportive, whatever – and bring a bit of cleavage back into your life.
NO MORE GROANING: Over the last few years, whenever I would bend down to take off my trainers, I would hear myself make groaning sounds. It instantly made me feel like I was 500 years old. If you’ve been doing it too, stop.
WALK WITH PURPOSE: Walking faster makes you appear younger and gives you those endorphins that we love. Put some tunes on in your ears and crack out the bangers! That will get you picking up the pace.