I’m a sleep expert and here’s 6 reasons women struggle to sleep while their partner snores all night
TOSSING and turning while your husband or boyfriend snores beside you is a nightmare come true.
If this sounds like a typical night for you - you’re not alone.
James Wilson, a trained sleep practitioner and co-founder of , says in his work, he generally sees more sleep deprived women than men.
He told The Sun: “About 75 per cent of sleep problems are waking up in the night, which strikes more than difficulty getting to sleep.”
Having had trouble with insomnia himself, James said: “No matter what relationship I have been in, being awake when your partner is asleep is really lonely.
“You don't want to wake them up, but you can't move, you feel your breathing is really loud.”
There are a whole host of reasons that may explain why women in particular can struggle with sleepless nights.
Research has tended to show that , but their sleep is often more disturbed.
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It leaves them with poor sleep quality - key to feeling rested - which in turn makes women likely to sleep more the next night.
“But there isn't much research into women and sleep generally,” James said - most existing research has focused on men.
So what is it keeping women awake at night? James explains:
1. Clashing sleep personalities
Whether you're a night owl or a morning lark, research suggests everyone has a set bedtime and waking hour that leaves them feeling most rested.
James said: “We all have a sleep type - larks and owls. It could be that you and your partner are the complete opposite.
“Often couples go to bed based on what time one person’s natural bedtime is, and that can actually be damaging to the other person.
“It can leave you wondering why you can’t get to sleep, but it’s not you - it’s that you aren’t in line with your natural rhythm.”
James said women may be sleeping in a way that doesn’t suit them if their partner encourages them to go to bed at the same time as them.
“I do think too often there is an issue around the sleep pattern not being suited around the woman in terms of her relationship”, James said.
“It’s important to have a compassionate conversation about bedtime.”
2. Hormones
Women deal with a rollercoaster of hormones throughout their lives.
Every month, the menstrual cycle causes changing levels in hormones that can impact sleep.
James said: "During the menstrual cycle, a dip in the hormone progesterone can impact on sleep."
Progesterone affects the body's ability to control body temperature, which is key for getting to sleep.
Most women find their sleep is worse three to six days before their period comes, due to the hormonal switch, or PMS symptoms like cramping.
Pregnancy can also cause erratic sleeping patterns as well as the menopause.
James said women going through the menopause can struggle to sleep due to a drop in oestrogen levels, symptoms including hot flashes and night sweats.
These can "lead to increased production of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, which directly impact on the body’s ability to produce melatonin, the hormone that helps us sleep".
3. Your job
Sleep habits are part-genetic, part-lifestyle - such as diet, work and stress.
James said some types of jobs could lead to sleep deprivation more than others.
“Often people who are ‘problem solvers’ are those who sleep less,” he said.
“It could be the suggestion that those who multitask or problem solve can’t switch their brain off.”
An inability to stop your brain whirring at night may make it harder for you to get to sleep while your partner is in a dreamland.
Studies have also shown that longer hours at work can result in less sleep, due to stress.
4. Inbuilt alert system
Parents, this one's for you.
As a mum or dad, the body biologically becomes sensitive to any danger that could harm your child.
This comes into play at bed time too, says James: “Your hearing is the last thing that turns off when you fall asleep, and the first thing to switch on when you wake up.
“That’s part of our defence mechanism and part of raising kids.
“We don't get eaten by sabre-tooth tigers anymore - but when we did, our hearing was really important to know we were safe.”
James said women’s alert systems kick into protective mode almost “from the moment they conceive”.
“It puts you more on edge as you are subconsciously listening out,” he explains.
Waking up to a baby crying is the most obvious disrupter.
“When you go into that bleary eyed, your body hormones help wake you up," James says.
“So the baby might go back to sleep, but the mum struggles to.”
5. On baby time, FOREVER
James says it is often the mum who takes on the role of sleep carer for their babies.
But this habit of waking up through the night could stick with them forever.
James says waking up for a baby “can get you in a pattern of disruption, so even when they become a toddler and sleep better, the mum might still have that routine.”
He adds: “It can last because it's a learned behaviour - your body becomes used to it.”
The odd sleep pattern can be reinforced if you have more than one child over a few years.
“If your kid is 18 years old but you have a nine-year-old in the house, that might have given you several years of sleep when your body has become trained to a behaviour that just leads to quality becoming poor," says James.
“I’ve got clients with 12-year-olds and still can't sleep well, and 65-year-old women who haven't had a good night's sleep since their babies were born.”
6. Emotional insecurity
James says sleep is largely connected to emotion, and feeling emotionally stable.
“Emotional security can be many different things; have you gone to bed on an argument? Are you in a relationship that you are happy in?
“A lot of people I work with, it's a sleep issue, but it’s manifested in a relationship issue.
“Sleep is an intimate thing, you feel vulnerable during sleep. If you feel unloved, undervalued or don't want to be in that relationship, that does impact your sleep.”
By the same token, if your relationship is happy but your partner is away for the night, it can make you feel lonely and unable to sleep.
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“If you are working shifts, and your partner is not there, that can impact on sleep if you feel they are missing or vulnerable.
“We suggest using the smell of your partner, such as aftershave, for reassurance. Smell is strong for emotional connection.”
4 myths about improving sleep
So how can you get a better night’s sleep?
James say there are a number of myths about the best ways to get more shut-eye.
- Scrolling is okay
One of them is logging off social media, a guilty pleasure of millions before bedtime.
Experts say mobile phones and tablets do nothing to improve our sleep because they emit blue light.
But James says: “We've made devices the enemy of sleep but that's not true - we had sleep issues before 2006.
“The thing to understand is it's a drop in heart rate. If scrolling on social media helps you drop your heart rate, that's what you need.
“Sometimes you need that bit of social connection, which is what social media gives you.”
The same goes for watching TV: “Sometimes, if your job is hard on your brain, trashy stuff like reality TV really helps.”
To avoid mindlessly scrolling or TV-viewing into the night, try and set aside time for it in the evening.
“Give yourself more space to wind down. It’s about building that time to ‘think’ earlier in the evening.”
2. Avoid sleep trackers
Sleep trackers and apps have become a cheap and easy way to monitor shut-eye to try and control it.
But James would avoid them: “If I was to generalise, I'd say they make good sleepers sleep better, and bad sleepers sleep worse.
“For poor sleepers, they are confirming something they already know - that they don't get enough sleep.”
3. Forget “eight hours”
James called the eight-hour target a “myth” because many feel fine after six or seven hours.
But worrying about getting more makes their sleep worse.
“The best way to tell is how you feel at 10 or 11am,” says James. “That’s when your body clock is most active.
“So if you are feeling alert at the time, that's good. If you feel quite sleepy and lethargic, that's a bit of a problem.”
4. Think about the “dos”
We’ve all heard “don’t have caffeine after lunch” and “don’t go on your phone before bed”.
James said thining about the “don’t” around sleep doesn’t help people because it makes people worry. This makes them sleep less in a vicous stress cycle.
Instead, James says: “It should be about the ‘dos’ - drop your heart rate, drop your core temperature, have a consistent wake up time, understand your sleep time, and the sleep you need.
“If you get those things right in your head, sleep becomes easier because you relax about it and you understand yourself. When you understand yourself, you get better about it.
“Sleep is like mental health - there is no magic pill, but it comes from an understanding and then applying basic tools.
“And when you get it wrong, don't beat yourself up.
“If you drink a coffee in the afternoon, then wake up in the early hours of the morning, just deal with it and don’t beat yourself up.”