My husband of 19 years wouldn’t have sex with me because of his ‘intimacy anorexia’ – he cheated with other women but I stuck by him
A COUPLE have revealed how they only had sex a handful of times in almost two decades after a condition known as "intimacy anorexia" almost ended their marriage.
Heather, 42 and Nathaniel, 44 - from New York - were married for seven months before they had sex for the first time and spent the next 19 years in a near sexless marriage.
The pair met at college but decided to wait until their wedding night to become sexually intimate - but things didn't go to plan.
Nathaniel became frustrated by Heather's nerves and although the couple were unaware at the time, it was one of the first symptoms of Nathaniel's intimacy anorexia.
The condition sees one person in the relationship withholding emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy from their partner.
For the newlyweds, this sadly escalated, causing Nathaniel to blame Heather for his erectile dysfunction and - what was to become - their sexless marriage.
"I felt as if my husband was repulsed by me. It was very painful. No one really believed me or understood. I felt truly alone and rejected in the deepest way - desolate, even," Heather told the .
Nathaniel added: "In my deeply selfish mind, her nervous laughter didn't suit what my sexually-addicted brain had been trained for by years of pornography use and objectifying, shallow, yet very sexual dating relationships."
What is intimacy anorexia?
- According to , intimacy anorexia is marked by lack of intimacy in a relationship, specifically when one person withholds emotional, spiritual ans sexual intimacy from their other half.
- This can cause pain and loneliness and can be particularly harmful for the relationship.
- Dr Weiss coined the term himself after he noticed the behaviour in his counselling practice.
- It's different from sexual anorexia because it concerns those who control relationships through lack of intimacy and people who are not emotionally developed enough to understand the importance of intimacy with their partner.
In the following years, Heather explained that she "tried to be sexy" for Nathaniel, who at this point was in "total denial" to his wife's needs were, withholding his affections and instead seeking affairs as well as blaming Heather for their lack of sex.
"I became, in a sense, addicted to withholding. I preferred fantasy, pornography and affairs to the real thing," he explained, with Heather adding that it "destroyed the core" of their lives.
The couple went on to explain that Nathaniel's intimacy anorexia could have stemmed from childhood trauma, but revealed that although they were referred to marriage counsellors, the therapists were not certified in treating sex addiction.
After nearly two decades of on-off separations, the couple discovered Dr Weiss' Heart to Heart Counselling Center, with Heather revealing she was at "the lowest moment" of her life when she came across his website.
The pair embarked on intensive therapy with Dr Weiss, with Nathaniel admitting he noticed "immediate and dramatic" change in his erectile dysfunction.
Their marriage is now healing and incredibly, the pair have regular sex, with Nathaniel admitting they are "glued to one another spiritually, emotionally and physically".
"Nathaniel is in true recovery and is healing from the childhood wounds and issues that helped to form both his sex addiction, and his belief that real intimacy was unsafe. Anyone dealing with this is not alone." explained Heather.
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