My husband battled depression and was found hanged like Love Island’s Mike Thalassitis – I wish I’d recognised the signs he was at risk
Elisha Porter, 41, from Staffordshire, was devastated when her husband Darren killed himself in 2015
A WIDOW whose husband hanged himself says the death of former Love Island contestant Mike Thalassitis brought it “all flooding back” – and must act as a further reminder that more help is needed to support men who are struggling.
Elisha Porter’s husband Darren disappeared from his home the day after Boxing Day 2015 and was found hanged hours later after his panic-stricken wife Elisha called the police. An inquest recorded a verdict of suicide.
Now Elisha, 41, from Stoke-on-Trent, Staffs, has spoken out about the lack of support for men who are contemplating suicide.
Her comments come just days after both Prodigy star Keith Flint and Love Islander Mike were found hanged in separate incidents in Chelmsford, Essex, and Edmonton, north London.
“The deaths of Mike Thalassitis and Keith Flint have many parallels with Darren,” she said.
"They were both men with so much to live for. It broke my heart when I heard about them. It brought everything back. It is so important to talk and to reach out."
“My own children, in particular my sons, still struggle to talk about their dad’s death. It’s been an unwritten rule for so long in society that boys don’t talk about their feelings, and that has to change.”
It's why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone, suicide prevention campaign, to raise awareness of the biggest killer of men under 35.
Darren’s problems began at the end of 2013 when his father died.
By Christmas Day 2015 he was so ill that he broke down in front of his family – and was then convinced he had ruined his children’s Christmas.
Elisha says: “He kept crying that he had ruined Christmas for his children. I insisted that we could have another Christmas – when he was better – but he was inconsolable.”
I heard him teaching our ten year old son how to fix his own scooter – in case he wasn’t around to do it for him.
Elisha Porter
Darren, 37, vanished from his home on Boxing Day and his body was found soon after.
Elisha says: “We all went out to search for him but I knew, in my heart, that something dreadful had happened. I could feel it.”
The couple had met more than 20 years earlier, when Elisha’s sister was dating Darren’s brother. She fell pregnant with their eldest son, Jack, just weeks into their relationship.
Elisha says: “It was a big shock, I was only 18, but I knew Darren was the man for me. He worked hard, as a window cleaner, and we got our first home together.”
The key signs your loved one is at risk of suicide
There are several warning signs that a person is at risk of suicide. But it's vital to know that they won't always be obvious.
While some people are quite visibly in pain and become withdrawn and depressed, others may continue their life as normal pretending everything is fine.
Look out for subtle personality changes in friends and family, especially if you know they have been going through a tough time, Lorna told The Sun Online.
These are the key signs to watch out for:
- A change in routine, such as sleeping or eating less than normal
- Lacking energy or appearing particularly tired
- Drinking, smoking or using drugs more than usual
- Finding it hard to cope with everyday things
- Not wanting to do things they usually enjoy
- Becoming withdrawn from friends and family – not wanting to talk or be with people
- Appearing more tearful
- Appearing restless, agitated, nervous, irritable
- Putting themselves down in a serious or jokey way, for example 'Oh, no one loves me', or 'I'm a waste of space'
- Losing interest in their appearance, not liking or taking care of themselves or feeling they don't matter
They went on to have four more children, Danielle, Callum, Louis, and Caitlyn.
Elisha says: “Darren was a devoted dad. We had an allotment and he would take the kids up there, and they grew all our vegetables. We had a pet pony too.
“Darren loved to take them swimming and he would dive-bomb into the water to make them laugh.
"He was a fitness fanatic and loved the gym. Darren threw himself into everything he did; he was larger than life.
“He was good at fixing bicycles and scooters and all the kids locally would bring their bikes to his workshop to be fixed."
She continued: “In his spare time, he did some gardening on the green in front of our homes, so that the kids had somewhere nice to play. The local paper ran a story on him because everyone was so grateful.”
YOURE NOT ALONE
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society - from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others... You're Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, , 0800 585 858
- Heads Together,
- Mind, , 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus,, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, , 116 123
Darren’s parents, Irene and Dave, lived next door to the family and they were all close. But days after Christmas 2013, his dad died after suffering with a brain tumour which progressed to dementia.
Darren took his death very badly.
Elisha says: “A couple of days before Dave died, he and Darren had a fall-out, it was nothing serious but Darren didn’t get chance to apologise and that played on his mind after Dave died. Darren felt guilty.
“He changed afterwards. He started drinking and stopped all exercise and sport. I went with him to see the GP and he was diagnosed with depression.
“But he was still smart and never missed a day off work.
“I think, because he was such a happy, larger-than-life character, he found grief extremely hard to deal with.”
Why is male suicide so high?
Male suicide is often called the 'silent killer' as it is the single biggest cause of death for men under the age of 45 in the UK.
Figures from 2018 show that male suicide rates across the UK are three times higher than female suicide rates.
Shocking statistics reveal 84 men take their own life each week.
A suicide statistics report, released in 2017, by the Samaritans showed there were 6,639 suicides in the UK and the Republic of Ireland (ROI) in 2015.
Of that figure 4,997 were men, meaning 75 per cent of all suicides in 2015 in the UK and the ROI were committed by men.
Despite it being the biggest killer of men under the age of 45, the age group which had the highest rates of suicide were aged between 40-44 in the UK.
Despite his own sadness, Darren threw himself into organising Christmas for his children.
Elisha says: “A few days before Christmas, he dressed as an elf to make the children laugh, and the neighbours’ kids came to see him too.
“But I knew his heart wasn’t in it. I could see he was just putting on an act for the kids’ sake.
“I knew he was dreading his dad’s anniversary but I thought he would get through it.
“In the evening on Christmas Day, he began to cry and said he had ruined Christmas for the kids. He was becoming agitated, shouting that he was losing everything.
“I took the children to my mum-in-law’s. I called a mental health team for help but they were too busy because it was Christmas. I was in a panic. I didn’t know what to do.”
While Elisha was out, Darren began throwing everything out of his home; furniture, clothes and food.
Darren was eventually admitted to hospital in the early hours of Boxing Day - but discharged himself.
Elisha says: “He kept crying that he had ruined Christmas. I insisted that we could have another Christmas.
“I heard him teaching our ten year old son how to fix his own scooter – in case he wasn’t around to do it for him.
“Lewis didn’t understand but I was panic-stricken. I was begging the hospital to help us.”
Two days after Christmas, Darren walked out of the house and didn’t return.
His body was found hours later at a local beauty spot – a place where he and Elisha walked every day with their children and dogs.
Elisha says: “I had been fearing the worst, because Darren’s behaviour had been so erratic. I knew how ill he was but I just couldn’t help him.
“But when the news came, I was cold with shock. I couldn’t believe it.
“It broke my heart to have to tell the children. Louis was screaming. They were all so confused.
“They don’t understand – and neither do I.
Darren adored his family – he would have done anything for us – yet he chose to leave us.”
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
A heartbroken woman revealed she tried to kill herself after her 'cold' dad refused to hug her. Read her inspirational story.
Holly told how she was just five when her dad killed himself.
If you or a loved one are affected by mental health problems, or suicidal thoughts, call the helpline on 116 123