BBC star Rachael Bland spoke of ‘terrible guilt’ at dying of breast cancer and her fears at leaving son Freddie behind revealed in new book
GUILT. It’s a short word with a weight of meaning.
And it’s an emotion that BBC journalist Rachael Bland had at the forefront of her mind when she learned her breast cancer was incurable.
Guilt for her beloved two-year-old son Freddie, who she would now not live to see grow up.
And guilt for her husband Steve and everything he would have to endure alongside her.
The poignant revelation is made in For Freddie, the heart-breaking memoir - released today after being exclusively serialised in The Sun.
The 40-year-old continued writing the book up until she died on September 5, 11 days before Freddie's third birthday and two years after she was first diagnosed with breast cancer.
'In sickness and in health'
"It had been only a few years since our beautiful wedding, when we were so full of hope for what our future together would hold," she writes.
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"We stood at the front of that church and promised to love each other in sickness and in health.
"Neither of us could have imagined the sickness part would come so soon.
"I felt terribly guilty that he was having to go through this because of me."
'My cancer's incurable'
BBC presenter Rachael was diagnosed with breast cancer in November 2016 and had months of chemotherapy and radiotherapy in 2017.
Her hopes of going into remission however were dashed last year when it emerged that the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes.
By May, she announced that her cancer had spread and was incurable.
It had been only a few years since our beautiful wedding... I felt terribly guilty that he was having to go through this because of me
Rachael Bland
Along with her award-winning podcast , which she co-hosts with Sun columnist Deborah James and Lauren Mahon, Rachael's memoir was a way of keeping her memory alive for her young son.
But it is also an extended love letter to Steve, 38 – or The Captain, as Rachael nicknamed him - a steady presence who never wavered in his support of his wife.
'The man you'd want by your side through cancer'
"One of our friends, on hearing the news, sent a message saying if you ever had to go through cancer, then Steve would be the man you’d want alongside you," she writes.
And he was, from the moment of her initial diagnosis through to the devastating moment when she learned that her cancer had metastasized - meaning nothing more could be done to save her.
"He’s been there for every appointment, holding my hand and picking me up when I’m down," she says.
"He told me so many times, that he’d rather go through cancer with me, than have an easy time with anyone else."
'The FEAR would creep in'
The book poignantly reveals how the couple cried together, laughed together and even had mock fights as they confronted together the realities of Rachael’s diagnosis.
She remembers scrapping over who had access to the iPad when she had her first round of chemotherapy - and shared a black humour that got them through some of the darkest times.
"I developed an excellent ability to pretend this wasn’t happening for much of the time," she says.
"But all too often, usually when my mind is not well occupied enough, it comes …THE FEAR. It isn’t always a source of misery.
"Sometimes it raises a laugh, like the time I asked Steve if he thought I’d be worthy of an ‘all BBC Staff’ email if I died. I really was only half joking!"
'My lack of housewife skills will leave you in good stead'
Rachael even managed to joke about how what she calls her "dreadful" abilities as a housewife had stood her long-suffering husband in good stead.
"I still feel bad that he’s going to have to pick up a lot of slack on the days I’m feeling rough, when I won’t be able to pull my weight with the childcare and household chores.
"It now seems fortuitous that I’ve always been a really dreadful housewife – because me being out of action won’t be such a wrench to him!
"I don’t cook and I only clean sporadically.
"I told him I’d actually just had him in training through our marriage so far, ready for this moment when he’d need to fully grab the reins of domestic drudgery."
'A paralysing fear of leaving'
Underpinning it all however, mingled with the paralysing fear that her cancer would return, the guilt of what she was putting Steve through was always there.
"But even when we’re laughing together and having fun THE FEAR can strike.
"When I suddenly think how awful it would be for Steve to be left without anyone to chuckle over in-jokes with. He doesn’t deserve that."
By May last year however, it became clear that all their hopes and dreams – to travel, to have a sibling for Freddie – were not going to happen, news that was received in a devastating phone call Rachael received while on a day out with her infant son at a local farm.
"Then came the words ‘I am so sorry, it’s bad news. The biopsies have come back showing the same cancer is back and is in the skin’.
"I watched my little Freddie innocently playing away in a tyre in the barn and my heart broke for him," she writes.
"I scooped him up and dashed home and then had to break Steve’s heart with the news that my cancer was now metastatic and therefore incurable."
THINGS CANCER MADE ME SAY
She died just weeks later, but in the spirit of courage that his wife had shown throughout her battle her widower, who has now given up his job to become a full-time father to Freddie, has spoken of his pride at the way she had helped to raise awareness.
In November he took to Instagram to share a picture of Rachael raising a glass of champagne, revealing her memoir would be published this month.
"Hi folks, it’s Steve. Just wanted to share some wonderful news with you all,’ he wrote.
"We’re raising a glass to our beautiful girl today because we have found a fantastic publisher for her book."
For Freddie: A Mother’s Final Gift to Her Son by Rachael Bland is published today by Michael O’Mara Books (hardback, £16.99). A portion of the proceeds from the sale of the book will be donated to the charity .
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