I’ll NEVER buy my wife a Valentine’s Day present… shouldn’t having sex with her be enough?
Writer and dad-of-three Jon Axworthy, 46, from Plymouth, has been married for 13 years and says he shows his love by de-gunking the shower drain
IF we're honest with ourselves, the way we mark Valentine's Day shouldn't be a dealbreaker in a relationship - but how would you feel if you didn't even get so much as a card from your other half?
Today it's been revealed more than half of Brits spend less than a TENNER on their Valentine.
Here, writer and dad-of-three Jon Axworthy, 46, from Plymouth, reveals why he NEVER buys his wife a gift on February 14 - unless you can count a Big Mac in a McDonald's car park...
“EVERY day is Valentine’s Day with me, love.”
It’s the same line that I trot out every year on February 14th as my wife details what elaborate gestures of love and devotion her friends’ husbands and partners have bought them.
Tales of Tiffany eternity rings, spoiling spa sessions and exotic blooms fill my ears, while I stand there empty handed – no flowers, no chocolates, no card, no expense spent.
Clare and I have been married for 13 years now and have been in a relationship for 17. I proposed within three weeks because I knew that I had found the one, so there is a romantic bone in my body somewhere.
In fact, when we first got together I used to slavishly observe February’s big day and on one occasion I had booked us in to have some posh nosh at a local eaterie.
When I say booked, I actually mean naively pitched up hoping that we would get a table, only to find that the entire place had, obviously, been booked out for months in advance.
However, this slight oversight on my part was the catalyst for ditching Valentine’s for good and as Clare peered through the window at the candle lit tables for two, full of hand-holding and adoring glances, I had a moment of clarity.
We actually ended up at McDonald’s that night although it turns out that McDonald’s is pretty popular on Valentine’s Day too and so we actually ended up with a Big Mac and fries in the car park before going home and falling asleep in front of the TV.
And you know what happened? Nothing. The sky didn’t fall in, Clare didn’t turn murderous after our unconventional celebration and I lived to see February 15.
And that’s how it all began, that’s how I fell out of love with Valentine’s.
Now, don’t get me wrong, romance isn’t entirely dead in the Axworthy household, which is why Clare and I are happy to let the day go by without fanfare.
Well, not entirely without fanfare...
There is something FAR more personal (and fun) that we do on the day to show that we can be romantic and is entirely free and involves no waiting list.
And speaking of bed-ins, I’m not claiming that Clare and I are John and Yoko. We’re not even in Joe Sugg and Diane Buswell's constant snuggling territory (honestly, Joe, you’re giving the rest of us a bad name, mate).
However I’m always on hand to de-gunk the shower drain to save Clare the horror; and if that’s not an act of love I don’t know what is.
And this is where I have to get historical to back up my position because I’m convinced that the tradition of Valentine’s Day was actually started by a man.
Even though there are plenty of historians who will have you believe that the day evolved from the 14th century tradition of courtly love, which went through several stages like, a “declaration of passionate devotion” to “renewed wooing with oaths of virtue and eternal fealty”.
The reality is that way back in the 1500s, there was a chap who kept forgetting to declare his passionate devotion and wouldn’t have known an oath of virtue if it had walked up to him and kicked him in the codpiece.
So, he dreamt up a concept to make sure that he remembered, for at least one day a year, to do something romantic so that for the other 364 he could go back to being entirely useless.
What is without dispute is that since this time Valentine’s Day has been turned into a commercial exercise by card manufacturers, confectioners and helium balloon sellers to keep the tills ringing between Christmas and Easter.
And this is the other reason why I encourage any blokes out there to follow my lead and skip it entirely this year: it’ll save you a bloomin’ fortune.
Not that I’m suggesting you should boycott it on financial grounds, because what I am suggesting is that you reinvest what you would have spent into something that will really bring you and your partner closer together, like a new bed or a lion taming lesson.
So if you’re convinced, here’s an action plan to make sure that this Valentine’s Day will be your last.
Firstly, spread the word amongst your mates and try and convince them to do the same. There is safety in numbers.
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Next, make sure that you and your partner stay off social media on the actual day, as nothing will derail your plans quicker than the constant drip feed of enforced coupledom that will clog up Facebook from noon til night.
Actually, this is the one thing that Clare and I haven’t quite perfected yet and there is a certain element of FOMO that comes from seeing the romantic goings on of close friends on February 14.
The best way to avoid it is to hide one another’s phones somewhere your partner never goes – Clare’s is going in the cupboard where the vacuum is.
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Finally, make sure you talk it over with your significant other so that she doesn’t think you’re just a cheapskate who doesn’t want to spend his pay cheque clearing the shelves in Hotel Chocolat once a year. You might be pleasantly surprised by her reaction.
Remember, this is a team effort and you both need to be in it together. What could be more romantic than that?
Jon previously revealed why he would rather watch Love Island than the World Cup.