Like Liam Payne I was an older woman’s ‘sex toy’, called her Mummy in bed and gave her orgasms till she passed out but we broke up when my batteries ran out
POOR Liam Payne. The One Direction star probably fainted with excitement when his girlfriend, Naomi Campbell, demanded he use the back entrance on Bafta night.
Sadly, the 48-year-old supermodel wasn’t offering her much younger lover some especially filthy frolicking for being such a good boy of late, but laying down the law in the way that only an older woman will.
Naomi didn’t want to be seen arriving on the red carpet with the 25-year-old at the awards ceremony and they left the event separately.
They recently had their first bust-up after he missed a glamorous party in New York because she didn’t want to be seen him, saying she doesn’t need the “circus and drama” of media attention.
Having had a lot of experience with older women, I know what Liam is going through.
At his age (I’m now 45), I got involved with a 42-year-old fashion-magazine editor, who was almost as high-maintenance as Naomi. She went on to become my now ex-wife.
I’d had older girlfriends before, but after being married to one I finally stopped and have since only played with girls my own age.
A sleek and effective designer dildo
Like every other naive cub who’s taken in by a cougar, Liam will think - like I did - that his older partner is proof of how especially intelligent, mature and sexy he is.
The truth is he is no more than a fashion statement and a sex-toy rolled into one: a sleek and effective designer dildo that she can use as she pleases, while making her gal-pals envious as they think about his toned young body — like a Prada handbag, with added clitoral stimulation.
She’ll love making her middle-aged friends jealous, as they reflect on the slipper-wearing fogey they go home to, whose idea of sexual excitement is to keep the light on: a light that, given the physical state of most men over the age of 40, these women probably prefer having off.
I kept score of her orgasms
Naomi’s friends are reportedly asking: "Why is she happy to stay in and eat takeaways with Liam but not go out in public with him?"
I can tell them: it’s not for the deep and meaningful conversation.
When I got together with my ex-wife, the sexual intensity of our relationship was unbelievable.
We’d stay in all weekend having sex, breaking only for the toilet and to rub Deep Heat into my aching muscles. It was like doing a 48-hour triathlon. I have never been fitter in my life.
And boy, did she love it!
I remember lying back on the couch once and keeping score of her orgasms while she rode me like the world was going to end.
I lost count just after she reached 20 and turned my attention to the TV — Match Of The Day was on and Spurs were playing, so I was enjoying the best of both worlds — but she just kept on going, lost in a trance of pure lust, until she near-enough passed out with exhaustion.
Younger women are too shy to tell their man what they need
I can’t blame my ex for turning into a sex-zombie with me.
Like Liam, I was a proper hottie in my twenties: boyishly handsome, with a ripped six-packed physique. And my missus, like Naomi no doubt is, made the absolute and shameless most of it.
Liam’s 30-year-old ex, Cheryl Cole, is apparently devastated by his new relationship.
She’ll be even more devastated if she knew how much better he is in bed now that he’s been schooled by an older woman.
As an energetic eager-to-please 20-something, I was delighted to do whatever I was asked to by my older lovers to make them happy — getting an amazing education in the process.
Younger women are generally too shy and insecure to tell their man what they need.
But older ones, having suffered so much bad sex with men their own age, will demand what they want from a toy-boy, knowing he’ll do as he’s told.
'Does mummy like that?'
Unusually for most cougar-cub couplings, my ex didn’t grow bored of me and we got married. But as these relationships settle into domestic monotony, the people in them revert into the natural roles for an younger man and an older woman: mother and son.
From being a virile living-and-breathing vibrator, I turned into a lazy slob, enjoying an overlong adolescence as I spent my idle days playing video-games, watching porn and being nagged for not making the bed or taking out the rubbish.
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I even gave my wife the half-joking nickname ‘Mummy’. Though it has to be said, in bed there was something deliciously perverted in asking “Does Mummy like that?” while doing things my actual mum would be shocked to know her boy was into.
On the whole, my older partners made me a smarter, more open-minded and much more confident person — especially with the opposite sex.
My experience tells me that Liam might emerge from his affair with Naomi as twice the man he would’ve had he been with someone younger.
If not, he better prepare himself for being dumped like a Rampant Rabbit whose motor has clapped out.