‘My boyfriend killed himself when I was pregnant… then I miscarried our baby’
WHEN Claire Russell discovered she was pregnant, her partner Mark was over the moon.
But the outwardly excited dad-to-be was hiding an inner turmoil that drove him to take his own life just one month later.
Weeks after discovering he was due to become a dad, on March 4, Mark Lotsu went missing.
When he hadn't returned home the next morning, Claire began to worry. The next day, her world fell apart.
Police told the mum-of-two her boyfriend's body had been found in his car, in a car park about 20 minutes from their home near Rugby. He had taken his own life.
Then just as Claire was trying to come to terms with her loss, the unimaginable happened. Days before Mark's funeral, she suffered a miscarriage, losing the couple's unborn baby.
Claire believes Mark, a former teacher, was secretly torturing himself over fears he might not be a good enough dad.
"It was all he ever wanted," Claire, 39 said.
"He liked the name Idris for a boy and I wanted Emmeline after my best friend Emma, who died ten years ago, for a girl.
"Whatever he thought, I know he would have been the most wonderful daddy."
Suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 35 in the UK. The grave stats show men are three times more likely to kill themselves than women.
Last year, 5,821 lives were lost to suicide in England and Wales - 75 per cent of them were men.
Claire is speaking out in support of The Sun's You're Not Alone campaign, which aims to encourage people to speak up and learn the signs of mental health problems, to help stop people losing their lives to suicide.
She said Mark had a history of mental health problems, suffering depression after losing his job.
Research also shows that one in eight first-time dads suffer bouts of depression during their partner's pregnancy.
The 39-year-old said: "When we met he would often say to me that he did not think he was good enough for me but I was always reassuring him that this was not the case.
“I had no idea that he was as low as he must have been."
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost - to suicide.
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society - from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes. And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet, it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun has launched the You're Not Alone campaign. To remind anyone facing a tough time, grappling with mental illness or feeling like there's nowhere left to turn, that there is hope.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others. You're Not Alone.
For a list of support services available, please see the Where To Get Help box below.
Mark's depression began after he was sacked as head of biology at a private school in Leatherhead, Surrey, after he admitted encouraging students to cheat in an A level exam.
Mark told BBC 5 Live at the time it was the "biggest mistake" of his life, one he made amid "unbearable pressure" to ensure his pupils got the best grades.
Banned from teaching for three years, he experienced suicidal thoughts.
But by the time the couple met at a business event in May 2017, Mark seemed to be rebuilding his life and Claire said he appeared optimistic.
Claire, who has volunteered for The Samaritans answering calls from people in crisis for the last three years, said:" I knew it had lost his career but he was planning a new life as a tutor and we were so excited to work on that together.”
'I didn't realise he was struggling so much'
The mum-of-two said Mark didn't give any clues that he was depressed, or needed more support than she was giving him.
"He never said anything that could make me think his life was at risk," Claire said.
"I knew he was struggling with feelings of inadequacy but I thought he was generally happy to be in our loving relationship.
She said while Mark wasn't one for big romantic gestures, on Valentine's Day shortly before he died, he was "incredible".
Whatever he thought, I know he would have been the most wonderful daddy
Claire Russell
He bought Claire lots of meaningful gifts, hid them and set up a treasure hunt for her, getting her friends to send clues.
"I found my gits one by one with a note from Mark with each," she said.
'When he didn't come home, I started to worry'
But just over two weeks later, Mark disappeared with no warning.
“He hadn’t come home by the next morning and I started to worry," Claire said.
On the Monday evening, the police called Claire to say they were on their way to see her.
“Although the police did not tell me anything on the phone, I knew," she recalled.
“Mark’s body had been found in his car in a car park about 20 minutes from our home by an unknown passer-by.
“I went into shock and the memory of what happened and what I was told remains a blur."
'Then the little light we'd wanted so much went out too'
In the days after Mark's death, Claire said she was "catatonic".
The only thing getting her through was the hope of their baby.
"I clung to the life inside me, a piece of him that would be with me always," she said.
Worried the shock of Mark's death may have harmed the baby, Claire arranged to have an early, private scan.
She said: "The NHS wouldn't scan so early, so I paid to have a scan for reassurance.
"I sat with tears rolling down my face in the waiting room.
"I was so desperately sad that the first time I would see our little miracle, Mark wasn't there with me."
The scan gave Claire the reassurance she had craved, there on the screen she saw a tiny heartbeat fluttering away.
KNOW THE SIGNS From boozing too much to not sleeping... 10 warning signs your loved one is depressed
But weeks later, a month after Mark died, Claire went for her first official scan.
";I was 13 to 14 weeks pregnant," she said.
"And that little light, the life that I loved and we'd wanted so much had gone out.
"The next few days are a terrible blur."
Days before Mark's funeral Claire had to go into hospital to have a procedure to remove the remains of the couple's baby.
'I will always feel guilty'
Seven months on and Claire said she is wracked with guilt over Mark's death.
She described him as "one of the most loving people" she'd ever met.
"He'd do anything for anyone, with no thought for himself," she says.
"He was funny, geeky and made me laugh a lot.
“He had loads of friends but he had no idea at all just how loved he was."
Claire's guilt is magnified by the fact she is a call handler for The Samaritans.
"I will always feel an amount of guilt," she said. "I am probably more informed than most, being a volunteer with Samaritans.
“So, many times I have asked myself why I, of all people, did not see the signs?"
'Ask how your loved ones are, and keep asking'
Backing The Sun's You're Not Alone campaign, Claire urged anyone battling their inner demons to open up.
And she said we can all play a part, keeping an eye on loved ones and asking the question, "are you OK?"; - over and over again.
“Mark chose not to open up. Another person could and would react differently," she said.
WHERE TO GET HELP
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, , 0800 585 858
- Heads Together,
- Hector's House,
- Mind, , 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus,, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, , 116 123
“Offering support and love and a listening ear – as I did over and over with Mark – can’t do any harm.
“It may be that you will ask someone how they are, or offer your support at just the very moment that they need it most- and it might just change how things turn out."
Latest from You're Not Alone
Claire, like many other people, is struck by how common it is for people to experience suicidal thoughts - 10million Brits have experienced them.
“Helping people understand having these thoughts is not wrong is so important - they do not have to be acted on, and that they can and should be talked about sensitively and non-judgmentally," she said.
“It’s possible to recover from depression and sadness and unhappiness - and everyone deserves freedom from mental illness and thoughts of suicide.”
Claire has launched a new aiming to save lives by smashing mental health taboos - by educating and by encouraging more open discussions, particularly in the corporate world.
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