Young women have spent far too long pleasing men — and it’s time we came first
Sun writer Georgette Culley, 31, wants young women to learn the importance of pleasure after a survey revealed 40 per cent of 25-34 year old females hate sex
“WHAT’S the matter, baby?” asked my former lover. “I thought you liked that.”
“No, Kevin,” I replied, pushing his sweaty body off me. “I don’t like your chubby digits pawing at me.”
Quite frankly, I’ve had more enjoyable smear tests. But sadly this encounter was not a one-off. For more than a decade I’ve had unsatisfying sex.
Why? Because, like most younger women, I thought it was all about ensuring the guy had a great time.
All the pressure of finding “The One” meant I ignored my desires and focused solely on his.
So it came as no surprise to me to read that four in ten women are unhappy with their sex lives, and those aged 25 to 34 were the least satisfied. But those in their mid-50s or nearing retirement were the most content, according to the first sex survey by government agency Public Health England.
The truth is, younger men and women are very different. Generally, men are selfish and greedy in bed and women are too eager to please.
But recently I’ve had an awakening. It’s time to take back control and make my sex life great.
And the only way I can do this is by being as selfish as men are in bed. It has to be about MY enjoyment as much as his. And it doesn’t matter who finishes first — we both need to cross that line.
I have to admit though, this realisation has not been an easy ride.
“Let’s go again,” whispered one guy I was dating, after our seventh session in two hours. “I’m going to make you scream even harder.”
He did. But they were actually cries of pain, not pleasure.
Thanks to online porn, men expect women to be plucked like a Christmas turkey and ready for a good stuffing.
“Don’t be frigid,” another guy moaned, when I turned down his request to recreate an uncomfortable position he’d clearly seen on a porn site.
“My ex would,” he added, rolling off. Terrified he would go off to find a girl who would do it in the headstand position, I stupidly agreed.
The next day I had whiplash and a migraine. Isn’t sex meant to be enjoyable? Firstly, don’t expect any answers from the sisterhood.
“We had sex five times in one night,” a friend told me excitedly over a coffee. “I had the best orgasm ever.”
“Me and Jase have the most incredible sex,” chimed in another, “It’s just mind-blowing.”
In reality, we were all suffering in silence. Riddled with insecurities, body hang-ups and wanting to fit in, none of us had the courage to admit it.
Are my boobs big enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I sexy?
These are just some of the fears that plagued me throughout my 20s. Now, I look back and want to hug the girl who nodded like Churchill the dog every time a guy suggested a new sex position to try.
Like most women as they get older, I got tired of having to pretend to be an acrobat on speed in bed.
My Hollywood performances wilted into scenes that would struggle to make it into Hollyoaks.
The truth is, I was tired of being there for someone else’s pleasure. But after a conveyor belt of bad sex I had no idea what I wanted in the bedroom — or how to find out.
“I’m not sure I’ve ever had a real orgasm,” I confessed to my aunty, at the age of 27, after a few glasses of wine. “Is that normal?”
She paused. “Sweetheart, I was just the same at your age. I was so consumed by wanting to please the guy that I didn’t even consider what I wanted.
“It wasn’t until I reached my mid-30s that I truly understood what I wanted. It’s an age thing. First of all, you need to stop waiting for them to tell you what they want,” she continued, firmly.
“Get in there first and be responsible for your happiness.”
It may sound simple enough, but putting it into practice was another matter. Firstly, in my mission for great sex, I had to take responsibility for my own actions.
How can a guy learn how to improve in bed if you’re faking orgasms? The truth is, they won’t.
Once I realised that, I made a vow to always be true to myself — and honest with my partner.
Communication is key to a healthy relationship, be it a casual fling or something more long-term.
Learning to say no to things you don’t like and yes to things you do is more important than anything.
But in order to know what you want — in and out of the bedroom — you have to get to know yourself first.
The only way is to explore your body and understand what makes you tick. For me, that meant sneaking on to my boyfriend’s porn account and seeing what things turned me on — rather than watching it with him and following his lead.
I also devoured every sex book on the market and tried out things that excited me.
Now I have sex on my terms and I don’t take it so seriously.
I’ve learnt to relax and laugh at things we try if the position is a logistical nightmare.
MOST READ IN FABULOUS
If I don’t like something, I am brave enough to say it isn’t working for me without hurting my partner’s feelings.
We all deserve to get what we want, not just the guy.
You only find real joy when you learn the importance of your pleasure. After all, it takes two to tango.
'IT TAKES TIME TO GROW CONFIDENCE'
THANKS to Botox, HRT and a mild addiction to exercise, I feel fitter, thinner, stronger, happier and more confident at 58 than I ever did in my 30s.
Crucially, I feel a hell of a lot sexier too. If you are only as good-looking as you feel, I’m an awful lot more attractive than I was in my youth.
Oh, the horrors of courting, back in the 80s. Not that I never had sex – I had lots of it, but most of it was pretty grim.
Bad body image and appalling self-esteem meant I never expected anyone to genuinely fancy me and basically slept with anyone who asked me. Forget having to buy me dinner, you didn’t have to buy me a drink back then – and as for the idea of not faking an orgasm, don’t be ridiculous.
Frankly, a lot of time sex just hurt. (There was the other matter of crippling period pains – so bad that for almost a week out of every month I’d be curled up in bed with a hot water bottle, suffering.)
It’s not just a generational thing though. Bad sex might be a rite of passage we must all endure. It takes time to gain confidence about oneself and feel you deserve not just good but incredible sex.
But it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way. Here are a few tips I’ve learnt along the way and which have stood me in particularly good stead.
- Faking it that first time (or pretending you are in a porno movie) will not only set up an exhausting pattern, it will make it exponentially harder to experience the real thing (except with a marital aid, and in my book that doesn’t count).
- Telling someone you prefer it this way rather than that is going to intrigue rather than offend.
- A jiggly tummy or thighs are never the game-changer you think they are.
- Whoever managed to get you into bed is an extremely fortunate human being. If only I could go back in time and give myself this advice.
The way I see it now, Adam from Love Island would swat Zara away in a second for a fabulous older woman like me.
But then youth – it is wasted on the young.
- Christa D’Souza is author of The Hot Topic: A Life-Changing Look At The Change Of Life, out now.