It’s OK to have a favourite child – and here’s how to handle it

ALTHOUGH many parents would never openly admit it, they do prefer one of their kids over the other.

A recent survey has found one in five parents DO have a favourite child.

For some it is the first-born, for others it is the baby of the family . . . or just the child who is most similar to themselves.

Here, parenting expert LIAT HUGHES JOSHI looks at how to handle family favouritism in the healthiest way.

FAVOURITE AND NON-FAVOURITES LOSE OUT

A parent’s “special” child might feel good about their status but obvious favouritism can be as harmful for them as it is for their siblings.

Psychologist Dr Amanda Gummer says: “The favourite may feel pressure to succeed and not have space to experiment if they fear disappointing and losing their status.”

They can also miss out on learning from childhood battles if you are always taking their side.

Meanwhile, their siblings might develop self-esteem issues, believing they aren’t so important or loved, with the impact potentially lasting into adulthood.

DON’T DENY FAVOURITISM TO YOURSELF

Having a preferred child isn’t socially acceptable, leaving us feeling guilty and possibly in denial.

Of course you shouldn’t admit it to your kids if you have a preferred child (although they will spot it if you aren’t careful). But pretending this isn’t the case to yourself helps no one.

By being aware of any favouritism, you can look at ways to prevent and counter any ill-effects. It is how you deal with such emotions that matters more than whether you have them in the first place.

BE FAIR

Make it clear you love all your kids via your words and actions and give them roughly equal amounts of attention, money and decision-making opportunities whenever possible.

If there is a good reason for differences – maybe one of your children is having a tougher time at the moment and needs more support or leeway – explain this to the others.

EMBRACE DIFFERENCES

You don’t have to treat your kids identically to be fair with spending and attention.

It is fine to enjoy different activities with each child, based on their interests and personalities.

You might prefer shopping with one but bond more through humour or sport with another.

WATCH OUT FOR OVER-COMPARING

It’s natural to make comparisons about our kids to ourselves or our partners, but constant comments complimenting one child’s appearance, brains or behaviour over a sibling’s can be especially damaging.

Try to compare each child to themselves and their own potential instead. For example, try saying, “Maybe you could have done better in the exam if you’d revised more”, rather than: “Your brother did better than you because he studies harder.”

• Liat Hughes Joshi is author of 5-Minute Parenting Fixes (Summersdale).