From cleaning to raising kids, three working mums reveal what it’s like to have a stay-at-home husband
Increased opportunities for women in the workplace mean old-fashioned family roles are changing fast
MARIGOLDS in one hand, a baby on the other arm and fresh bread baking in the oven...
It sounds like a model housewife from the Fifties.
But today it could just as easily be a house husband.
Increased opportunities for women in the workplace mean old-fashioned family roles are changing fast.
The number of house husbands has doubled in the UK over the past 20 years, with far more men now staying at home to raise the kids while women become their family’s main breadwinner.
Here, three couples tell GEORGETTE CULLEY, LOUISA GREGSON and JENNY FRANCIS why they are more than happy to overturn outdated gender stereotypes.
Nikki and Simon
RECRUITMENT consultant Nikki Wheeldon, 29, lives with husband Simon, 29, and their 21-month-old son Max, in Newark, Notts.
Nikki says: “When we looked at it from a financial perspective, the choice was taken out of our hands. I could earn about £10,000 a year more in recruitment than Simon could earn in his job as an operations manager.
"It was crazy but it was cheaper for him to quit his job than for us both to work and pay for childcare. My boss also said I could work from home some days so it felt like the best of both worlds.
"I only took four months of maternity leave, as the pay was so low. I was a 'housewife' for those months before Simon left his job. Now we have both experienced what this role is like.
"Sometimes while I was on maternity leave, Simon got home from work and I’m sure he wondered what I’d been doing all day. He didn’t realise just how hard it can be. Now he does.
"I think every man should be a stay-at-home dad for a while so they can really appreciate their partner’s position. Simon has such a close relationship with Max. It can be hard missing the milestones, but I know he is in good hands with Simon.
Simon adds: “I grew up in a traditional family where It wasn’t done to be a stay-at-home dad. My dad worked and my mum stayed home, so I didn’t think I’d be any different. As a result I was always closer to Mum. I didn’t want it to be that way with Max.
“I found that toddler groups were full of mums and were geared towards women. The people were lovely but it felt intimidating as a man and I stopped going.
“I started a blog for stay-at-home dads and had a dads’ day with another house-husband, which was great.
“The early days were tough. It can be lonely and sometimes there’s no one to talk to. It can be hard trying to keep up with chores and keep everything nice for your partner coming home.
“Then, when you’ve been on your own all day, you want to talk when your partner gets home. But they are tired and just want to sit in front of the TV.
“I can really understand the perspective of women.”
Sarah and James
TEACHER Sarah Simms, 40, lives with house husband James, 47, and their sons Joseph, three, and Reuben, six, in Lewisham, South East London. Sarah says: “When James and I had Reuben we were both living abroad. When we moved back to the UK I found full-time work straight away while James stayed at home. It just made sense.
"We’d just bought a house and were doing it up so James had plenty to do.
"When I became pregnant with Joseph, I could only have three months maternity leave so it was natural for me to return to work and leave James to continue being the house husband.
"Parenting this way means we have been able to move up the property ladder. If James worked full-time, we would have childcare to pay for too, and if only he worked while I stayed at home, our income wouldn’t be as much.
"Life is less stressful all round which is also good for our relationship.
"James gets to spend time with the boys every day. The only downside is we’ve not been able to afford a family holiday since Joseph was born as we don’t earn enough on one wage.
“We plan to continue this arrangement even when our youngest son is in school full-time from September. It works brilliantly.”
James adds: “When Sarah went back to work, I was looking after Reuben round the clock and I hated it at first.
“I was up three times a night doing night feeds and it was tough. Some days I would be falling asleep while standing up.
“We moved to London from Leamington Spa in Warwickshire three years ago for Sarah’s work so we don’t have a support network on tap. Even though I used to work as a youth and community worker I’m a shy person, but being with Joseph has brought me out of my shell.
“He’s one of those kids who enjoys talking and waving to other people in the street or at the park.
“As a result it means I get chatting and socialising too.
“However, I didn’t enjoy it when I tried drop-in groups that are aimed just at women and toddlers.
“I do everything a ‘mum’ would do. I’m always busy. Since becoming a house husband I have an appreciation for what my mum went through raising me.”
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Martina and Justin
COPYWRITER Martina Mercer-Philips, 39, lives with carpenter husband Justin, 39, and children Mitchell, 17, Poppy, 13, and Percy, six, in north Devon.
Martina says: When Percy was born, I had a burning ambition to start my own business. It made sense Justin would be a house husband, as I could potentially earn more than his job in painting and decorating. We both have respect for each other’s roles.
"Now I can work flexible hours so I finish in time for the children coming home from school.
"That wouldn’t be possible if Justin hadn’t been there in the beginning to support me and take care of all the school runs and most of the cooking and cleaning. I pitch in by doing the food shopping online.
"Justin may miss the income, but the money all goes into the same family pot. I sometimes feel guilty I’m not around as much, so I tend to overcompensate on the weekends when I’ll bake and play at being housewife.
";I won the Working Mum of the Year Award in 2014 and I would bring the trophy out if the older two moaned about me not doing the school run.
"Some say Justin should be working but they have a more traditional view of life. Justin supports us in a million ways I can’t put a price on.
Justin adds: “We decided it would be best for us as a family if Martina was able to pursue her career. It was the most logical decision.
“We didn’t feel we should let gender stereotypes dictate to us how we should run our family and home. I crack on with the housework during school hours. I try not to worry about how other people perceive the way we do things.
“I have heard the odd comment from people such as, ‘He should get a job’. It can hurt because they presume I’m just sat around all day watching daytime TV. But there are also a lot of people who respect and admire what we are doing.
“Men should never be too proud to say they won’t be a house husband if it is the best option for the family. I’m trying to start up my own furniture business. Now Martina has established herself, she can work more flexibly to allow me time on my work.”
Parenting facts and figures
- 47% of working fathers want to downshift to a less stressful job
- 20% of dads said their employer was unsympathetic about childcare
- 229,000 of UK men stay at home with their kids — up from 111,000 in 1993
- Less than 10% of UK women are housewives or stay-at-home mums