I’d die early for a ‘perfect’ bod, people might call me selfish but I’m desperate to feel less ugly, says Nicola McLean

EX-GLAMOUR model Nicola McLean opens up about her bulimia battle and how far she’d go for dream looks.

The definition may be different for every woman but, being truthful, we all want a perfect body, writes Nicola.

For me, getting that look was so important, I had breast implants in a bid to achieve it.

As a girl of seven, I had subconsciously decided upon the dream body — Pamela Anderson in her Nineties Baywatch heyday.

Despite my parents trying to stop me, I sneakily watched from behind a couch as Pammy, now 57, was being interviewed by Ruby Wax.

I instantly fell in love with her figure and, from that day on, I was determined I would be blonde, slender and have massive boobs.

And I did it.

So that is why, after decades of striving, I am in no way surprised that beauty company Dove has found that one in three women would give a year of their lives for the perfect figure.

My only surprise is the number is not higher — I do not know one woman who would not immediately sign on the dotted line, without even bothering to read the small print.

I would happily throw away that year of my life.

My pursuit of the perfect body saw me get GG breast implants — the biggest you can get in the UK — at the age of 24.

For me, the ideal figure, even now, is a size eight with big boobs.

I think the fact that a third of women would make this huge sacrifice has a lot to do with social media.

When scrolling Instagram, you are met with a stream of idealised images of women, with no word about how those images have very likely been retouched.

But the fact that I would so readily ditch a year of my life in favour of a banging body is less about vanity and more about my inner struggle.

I am the least vain person around and am more than happy make-up-free, wearing one of my son’s cast-off tracksuits, with my hair scraped on top of my head in a mum-bun tangle.

So it’s not vanity driving me, or the need for people to say, “Oh my God, she looks amazing”.

It’s because I want to feel great in myself.

And, if I’m honest, it is because of the sadness I feel about what low self-esteem has done to me.

Aged 43 now, I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia for 32 years.

These conditions have taken a massive toll on my body.

My periods stopped many years ago and have never come back, my heart faces more strain, and throwing up from bulimia has damaged my oesophagus, leaving me with heartburn, which means I can’t even drink a hot cuppa.

So if there was a magic spell that meant I would never feel so wretched that I suffer from eating disorders, why would I not take it?

It’s all so exhausting.

I won’t look in a mirror and, if I’m going out, I put on a dress, think I look too fat and throw it off.

This pattern repeats over and over, until late into the evening.

With the perfect body, I could put on an outfit and just stroll out of the door.

That sounds so freeing.

If you were in my head for a day and could feel how I feel, you’d understand why I’d swap a year of my life to take away this misery.

I’ve spent a lot of time very publicly fighting my eating disorders, and I worked super hard to recover from anorexia.

But my bulimia is still something that I struggle with.

I look at pictures of my body at 30 and it was so good — but I had no idea.

Now, when I’m 50 and look back at my forties, I will think I looked incredible, and it’s terribly sad to know I never think positively when I’m in that moment.

'HORRIBLE THOUGHTS'

If I could be 43 and appreciate my 43-year-old body, and just lose one year for the pleasure, of course I would.

What a freedom from inner anguish and time spent on horrible thoughts.

You might think that my body growing and giving birth to two of the best humans ever would help me consider it perfect, but sadly this is not the case.

What women’s bodies do is remarkable, but I will never be that woman who looks at a stretch mark and thinks, “It’s beautiful because it housed my children”.

I love my kids and I would give birth to them 50 times over, but I will never think my body is beautiful because of that achievement.

I so wish I could.

You can be proud of what your body has done, but you don’t have to like it.

There are so many unkind things I feel about my body.

I think my thighs are too fat and feel my boobs are down to my knees.

I’ll never wear a bikini on holiday.

People may think these views are inaccurate, but it’s how I feel.

What a dream it would be for these worries to be magically taken away.

I am so lucky to know, without a doubt, that my husband of 16 years, ex-footballer Tom Williams, 44, thinks I have a perfect body.

He tells me I am beautiful and stunning — and I’m amazed.

People compliment me, but I don’t care what they think. I care what I think. And that is never something complimentary.

To finally look at a photo of myself and not think I look fat and ugly, I’d love that.

It would be beautiful.

I do think there are ways that, as a society, we could stop our incredible women from feeling they need this perfect body so much that they’d lose 365 precious days.

'PERFECTION MYTH'

The first thing that would help would be transparency laws on social media.

I am so honest about my lipo, Botox and three boob jobs, but I am in the minority.

The Kardashian pictures are retouched to within an inch of their lives, but people think they actually look like that.

Do I think the perfect body would solve my problems?

It’s like when people say money doesn’t buy you happiness, but we all know financial security really helps . . . in the same way, a perfect body would ease my life-long insecurities.

If we don’t crack down on this perfection myth, then women will continue to feel they look flawed.

So until we have that breakthrough, I’d happily lose that year.

Sign me up.