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I divorced my hubby on a whim when he was on a lads night out & regretted it – we’re happier than ever but won’t remarry
Why did Anu decide to call it quits on her marriage?
AFTER blindsiding husband Rob Durrant with divorce papers, free-spirited Anu Verma found the grass was not greener and asked him to try again, sealing the deal with another baby.
AS she typed the word “divorce” into the search engine, Anu Verma felt an overwhelming sense of relief.
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Despite being in love, she had been deeply unhappy in her marriage and thought the grass would be greener if she was single.
But when her husband Rob Durrant received divorce papers 24 hours later, he was completely “blindsided” by her decision.
“We’d been having difficulties, but I don’t think Rob ever thought it would come to divorce,” she says.
“He was away visiting family when I applied online, paying £500 on my credit card.
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“The papers were sent to his mum’s house and he was shocked and devastated.
“He kept asking, ‘Is this really what you want?’. But I did.”
While most women split from their spouse because they have fallen out of love or their partner is hard to live with, adulterous or abusive, Anu had none of these complaints.
“People find it hard to understand — and I didn’t realise it at the time — but it wasn’t about leaving him, it was about leaving the marriage,” she says.
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“I’ve always been a free spirit and never dreamed of the knight in shining armour coming to save me.
“I didn’t have fantasies of being a bride as a little girl. I saw marriage as an old- fashioned institution that I didn’t want a part of.
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“We’d got married and had a baby in quick succession.
"While I lost my identity, he was able to continue pretty much as normal — and I was angry.
“That night, when I was stuck at home with a baby and he was out with friends, my frustration bubbled over.
“I felt it would make me feel happier knowing I was not tied to him anymore.”
When Anu, 44, met Rob, also 44, in a bar during a trip to Ibiza in June 2015, she initially saw the “kind and caring” stranger as a friend.
“I’d been through some toxic relationships and was sick of the love-bombing and deceit,” she says.
“Rob wasn’t like that — he was a genuine nice guy and we had loads in common.
“It wasn’t even a holiday romance. I thought we might stay in touch as mates when we got home.”
But the pair started travelling between Anu’s home town of Coventry and Rob’s place in Portsmouth on weekends and she was won over.
“I tested him a lot and had this approach of guilty until proven innocent, because I’d been hurt in the past,” says Anu, a trauma therapist and podcaster.
“But Rob was totally different and genuine.”
The couple bought a house in Bournemouth and in August 2016, Rob proposed.
“He had secretly bought a ring,” she says.
“I was completely surprised, but I suppose it wasn’t unexpected.
"One of the first things he’d told me when we met is that he wanted to settle down and have a family.
“But I’d never really believed in marriage despite being from an Indian Hindu culture.
'FELT STRANGE'
“I’d go to extravagant weddings and find them shallow. I was a bit of a hippy.
"I didn’t think marriage was something I’d ever do.
“So when Rob asked me to marry him, I accepted but subconsciously knew it probably wasn’t ‘me’.”
Despite being engaged, Anu says she didn’t even consider a wedding until she discovered she was pregnant a year later.
“I cried when I found out because it wasn’t planned,” she says.
“I’d had such an adventurous life and I could see my freedom slipping away.”
Anu felt pressure to make things official and, in October 2017, when she was four months’ pregnant, the couple tied the knot in a registry office ceremony.
“My parents were saying, ‘You can’t have a baby unmarried’ — it was a reputation thing,” she says.
And while many women cry tears of joy on their wedding day, Anu couldn’t help feeling a tinge of sadness on hers.
“Saying the vows felt strange.
"It was the double whammy of becoming both a wife and a mum. It made me cry,” she says.
“But Rob was over the moon, it was all he ever wanted. Part of me was happy to be making him happy.”
Deep down, Anu regretted the wedding — like 54 per cent of married women, according to an Illicit Encounters survey.
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Their son Noah was born in May 2018 and Anu left her job as a business development manager to be a stay-at-home mum.
“Everything changed so rapidly and, in hindsight, I had undiagnosed postnatal depression,” says Anu.
“Quitting work was the worst thing I could have done because I lost my career and independence.
“My life became all about raising Noah and I had to rely on Rob to provide for us.
"I was deeply unhappy and started to resent him.
"Nothing had changed for Rob, while my life was totally unrecognisable — and the opposite of what I had dreamed of.”
The family relocated to Coventry, to be near Anu’s parents, in an attempt to make things work but she found herself becoming increasingly distant from her husband.
“I was blaming Rob for everything, but I couldn’t explain what was wrong,” she says.
“He started going to his parents in Portsmouth on weekends to give me space.
‘I WAS SO ANGRY’
“But I knew he was partying with his mates while I cared for a baby, which made me resent him more.
"One Sunday night I’d had enough. I was so angry, and within 30 minutes, I’d filed for divorce.”
Despite Rob’s devastation at the split in June 2019, which initially he said he would contest, the pair kept things amicable for Noah.
The divorce was finalised in January 2020, with Anu insisting she didn’t want a financial settlement and ensuring Rob had plenty of access to his son.
But things changed in March 2020 when the country went into lockdown.
“The restrictions meant the only other adult I could spend time with was Rob, as my co-parent,” says Anu.
“We were both isolated from everyone else and feeling lonely, so started going for walks together with Noah or sitting in the garden, as rules allowed.
“I was probably being a bit selfish encouraging it because I was struggling.”
When the world opened up more, Anu started dating again, as did Rob, a civil engineer.
“I’d sit and have dinner with these men and think, ‘He’s not Rob’,” she recalls. “The grass was most definitely not greener.
I had to be honest with him and say that I hadn’t felt the connection I had with him with anyone else
Anu Verma
“Dating felt so superficial and shallow, and no one was as funny, kind, handsome or educated as my ex-husband.
“When Rob came to see us, we’d have a lovely time listening to the music we loved and chatting really openly and honestly.
"They were magical moments — and the penny dropped.
"Why was I going out with all those losers when Rob was right here?”
It took Anu six months to pluck up the courage to tell her ex-husband she wanted to try again, especially as she “felt like a wally”.
“I had to be honest with him and say that I hadn’t felt the connection I had with him with anyone else.
"And that connection had never gone,” she says.
“He had his defence mechanisms up, which I totally understood, and didn’t reciprocate for a while.
"It took him a few months to agree to try.
“Rob was worried his parents wouldn’t support him after what I’d done to him.
“But most people said they weren’t surprised because they knew we were good together.”
In a stronger place as a couple, they decided to have a sibling for Noah and their daughter Eva arrived in August 2022.
'MAKES ME CRINGE'
While ten to 15 per cent of couples reconcile after separation and six per cent marry again, according to Psychology Today magazine, Anu says marriage is not for them.
“It confuses people but I don’t want to remarry. I’m such a free spirit and the thought of it makes me cringe.
“Maybe one day we’ll do something small like a vow renewal or a civil partnership if we need the paperwork.”
Despite the divorce, Anu doesn’t regret that they gave marriage a go.
“Adversity can bring you closer together — and it has,” she says.
“We never became bitter and that helped us rebuild our friendship.
"Space is healthy and our separation gave us that.
"Now I know we are together because we choose to be, not because we are tied legally.”
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ROB SAYS: “My parents have been happily married for a long time and I wanted to follow their example.
"When I met Anu, she was very wary after having bad experiences.
"I wanted to show her that good men and good marriages did exist.
“But when she fell pregnant, there was a lot of pressure on us to get married quickly and that wasn’t right for her.
“I tried hard to make it work. I’m not a quitter.
"So it was totally gutting when she sent me the divorce papers. I was devastated that our family was breaking up.
“When it became clear she wanted to give things another go, I knew I had to try.
"I didn’t know any couples who had got back together like that but it felt like the grown-up thing to do.
“Now we’re making it work and we have Eva. We are much happier together.
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“But I don’t think we’ll remarry.
"I couldn’t go through that again and a piece of paper doesn’t change our commitment to one another and the kids.”
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