PET PEEVES
Sharing dog with my ex was a rollercoaster of raging rows and heartache – getting a pet-nup would have made life easier
Jess reveals how their concerns over dog Honey even led her to briefly rekindling her romance with her ex
FABULOUS Associate Editor Jess Wilson, 34, is finally happy with co-parenting her poodle with ex-boyfriend, James, 32. But she says . . .
Two months after buying a puppy together in 2018, my partner James and I split up.
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While there were difficult conversations about who would move out of our one-bed flat and who should keep the knife set or 42in TV, the only thing we never managed to agree on was who would keep the dog.
And six years on, we still haven’t decided.
The long custody battle over our poodle cross breed Honey has caused us both extreme levels of heartache.
Just like TV presenters Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford, who are currently having “difficult conversations” about who will keep their collie cross Maggie, when we ended our three-year relationship after a string of rows, it was the conversations about Honey that were hardest to navigate.
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And we are not alone.
Ant McPartlin and his ex-wife Lisa Armstrong have shared pooch Hurley since their 2018 divorce, with Lisa this week vowing to fight Ant for full custody.
In fact, one in four divorces now involves a dispute over a pet.
As a result, the Law Society has suggested that couples consider entering “pet-nups” — an agreement much like a pre-nup, which would decide the living arrangements of pets in the event of a separation.
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Legally, pets are categorised as property — much like a car or house — so the person who purchased it is generally considered to be the owner.
But if you bought the animal together, or received it as a gift, the rules are somewhat murky.
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James and I had split the cost of Honey and we both wanted to keep her. A pet-nup could have made things a whole lot easier.
I can only imagine how much harder it must be when there are children involved.
Jealous he was taking Honey on dates
We agreed in the first instance that we would rotate Honey on a fortnightly basis, meeting in the local Lidl car park every other Friday night to swap her over.
Friends and family on both sides told us this would not work and that within a matter of months one of us would have to give in.
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But with neither of us willing to part with Honey, we decided our only option was to give sharing her a go.
Initially when we met to exchange her, we would not speak to each other, passing the lead between us in silence and only engaging with the dog as she jumped up excitedly.
While most people go to extreme lengths to avoid seeing their ex in the immediate aftermath of a break-up, we had to see each other every two weeks and then message in between to arrange times for dog swaps or discuss vet’s bills and grooming appointments.
It meant neither of us managed to get a clean break and, looking back, it made moving on harder for both of us.
I would get jealous if I knew he was taking Honey on dates, worrying that she might love his new girlfriends more than me
Jess Wilson
I’d get annoyed seeing James post pictures of Honey on Instagram, thinking he was using her to chat to girls.
It turns out that toy poodles really are babe-magnets — and two-thirds of women say they are more likely to match with a bloke if he has a dog pictured on his dating profile.
I would get jealous if I knew he was taking Honey on dates, worrying that she might love his new girlfriends more than me.
In retaliation, I would intentionally be difficult about committing to times and dates just to wind him up.
While James was able to take Honey to work, I relied heavily on dogsitters during the times I had her.
And at points I had to call him to take her back from me at the last minute when they cancelled and had no one to watch her while I was at work.
This made matters worse between us, with him — in retrospect, fairly — saying I was consistently changing plans and making things messy when he was trying to move on.
Then there were the raging text rows over who was paying for the £65-a-month insurance and over what we were each feeding her.
We went on like this for two years — barely speaking but seeing each other on a fortnightly basis — until the pandemic hit.
At that point, we only swapped Honey when lockdown rules allowed and tensions somehow eased as the world slowed down.
One Saturday, shortly after the rules were lifted, we met in a park to swap Honey and ended up sharing a crate of beers.
One thing led to another . . . and the next thing I knew we were saying “good morning” to each other.
The next few times we swapped Honey, the same thing happened. In an unpredictable twist of fate, Honey had brought us back together.
We ended up dating again for several months but eventually both realised that we really were better off apart.
It was then we decided to extend our stints with Honey to rotating on a monthly basis so we did not have to see each other so often.
For the first few months after we split for the second time it was still hard.
But with more time in between speaking and swapping her, things actually started to get much better between us.
We have had various conversations over the last few years about whether one of us should take Honey on full-time, but we have always come to the conclusion that neither of us could give her up.
She is utterly delightful, a tonic for any crisis. And actually, we think it is better for Honey this way too.
She is never left alone, is constantly with one of us and lives a very happy little life full of love.
Last year, we started to meet in the pub to swap Honey, deciding that we didn’t need to spend any more hours in Lidl car park.
In the autumn, I was having a particularly awful day and when I met James to swap her I could barely hide my tears.
He could tell I was upset and insisted I tell him what was going on — and he was an amazing support.
We have had various conversations over the last few years about whether one of us should take Honey on full-time, but we have always come to the conclusion that neither of us could give her up
Jess Wilson
Since then, we have miraculously become good mates. And I am the last person who expected that to happen.
Nowadays, I have no insecurities about whether Honey might love anyone he dates. In fact, I absolutely want her to.
We both now step in to help each other out if we have something come up last minute that makes looking after Honey hard, such as work trips or weekends away.
And there is never any drama.
I often think if it wasn’t for Honey we would likely have never spoken again. And now that we are pals, I think that would have been a real tragedy.
These days James will often pop in for a brew if he picks her up or drops her off at my place.
My advice to Ruth and Eamonn would be to stick with it. Sharing Maggie might sound like hell now, but you never know how things might work out.
That said, if I ever got another dog with another partner, I think I would look into a pet-nup.
I have been lucky in the long-run but I would not want to go through it again.
James says: “When Jess and I broke up I knew that the question of who would get to keep Honey would cause us a world of grief.
“While we agreed to share her on a fortnightly basis, Jess would constantly change plans and timings to meet up and it became infuriating — she can be a bloody nightmare at the best of times.
“But I think once you can shelve your issues, you can really make it work.
“I’m not sure if it was changing to monthly swaps that helped us or if it was just a case that we both moved on.
My advice to Ruth and Eamonn would be to stick with it. Sharing Maggie might sound like hell now, but you never know how things might work out.
Jess Wilson
“But now things are cool and we share Honey with no issues.
“I never thought I’d be sharing a dog with my ex for years but we make it work — for all three of us.
“And it doesn’t look like I will be getting rid of Jess any time soon now!
“I reckon getting a pet-nup might have felt like overkill at the time.
“But I can see how it would have saved us both a heap of stress and horrible back and forths.”
SHOULD YOU SIGN UP FOR A PET PRE-NUP?
WHO takes custody of your pet is perhaps the last thing on your mind if you are in a happy relationship.
But getting a pet-nup could avoid upset if you do break up.
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It is a document signed and witnessed by a third party, such as your neighbour, that details custody wishes for your shared animal in the event of a split.
Some websites, such as the one run by animal welfare charity Blue Cross, offer free agreements to download and complete.
Anyone getting a pet can enter into a pet-nup, from married couples to family members and even friends.
But what is it and who needs one?
Estella Newbold-Brown, a family law solicitor at Amphlett Lissimore Solicitors, has five questions you need to ask yourself . . .
DO YOU HAVE PROOF OF OWNERSHIP? Courts treat pets as chattels – that is an item of personal property such as a car or house.
The person who bought the pet (and has proof of ownership) will be classed as its owner.
In the event a couple separate, it can be argued the pet must stay with the one who owns it.
The exception to this would be when there is clear evidence the pet was bought as a gift for the other person.
If a couple buy a pet together, a court may rule they need to share custody.
DO YOU PAY THE PET BILLS? If you do not have proof of ownership, do you pay all the pet bills?
This includes food, vet care and pet insurance.
While you cannot claim you are the owner, a court can take into account your payments, whose name is registered on the pet’s microchip and insurance, and which person is registered with the vet.
But it might not be enough if your partner can prove they are the owner. In this instance, getting a pet-nup may be best.
DO YOU HAVE A CLOSER BOND WITH THE ANIMAL? For some, pets are like children.
But even if you do all the walks, feeding, care for them and give them the cuddles, a strong bond will not stand up against proof of ownership.
There are some things a court will not enforce, such as who takes the dog on holiday or how the cat should be cared for.
Get a pet-nup to iron out conflicts before it is too late.
DID YOU BUY THE PET FOR YOUR CHILD? This is where things can get challenging.
Emotions take over when people live without their pets.
If, as a couple, you bought the pet for your child, the courts could side with the party who gets custody (or a bigger share of custody) of the child.
This is especially the case if the pet is registered in your child’s name.
A pet-nup is advisable to avoid any upset.
DO YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE PET? If you have two pets, for example, a court may agree to split them up if you both have proof of ownership.
But UK law does not take an animal’s welfare into account.
Get a pet-nup and think about the best interests of your pets, and the bond they share together, so you do not end up making rash decisions later on.
CELEBRITY SHOWDOWNS
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RUTH LANGSFORD AND EAMONN HOLMES: Collie cross Maggie, 14, is said to be like a second child to the former This Morning hosts, who announced their split last month.
They are reportedly having “difficult conversations” over who gets the dog.
A source said: “They dote on her but they know she needs stability. It’s a case of who can give her that.”
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ANT McPARTLIN AND LISA ARMSTRONG: Presenter Ant and make-up artist Lisa divorced in 2018 and had a tough court battle over the custody of their chocolate Labrador, Hurley.
The pair adopted Hurley in 2013 when they reportedly struggled to start a family.
A judge ruled for joint custody as they could not agree between themselves.
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MARIAH CAREY AND NICK CANNON: The superstar singer and TV host Nick broke up in 2013 but the couple’s pre-nup did not include their eight dogs.
According to reports, the pair hit a roadblock as Mariah did not want to split them up.
A source said: “Nick has come to love their pooches too and even if he ends up with a couple of them, he will sorely miss the rest.”
It is not known who got custody of the animals.
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BRITNEY SPEARS AND KEVIN FEDERLINE: Britney and DJ Kevin split in 2007.
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Animal rights organisation PETA had to step in to their pet custody battle, reportedly sending a letter to Kevin urging him to “pursue a custody order for the animals so that your sons can continue to have the company of the animals they’ve grown to adore”.
It is believed Kevin got custody of the animals, which included dogs.
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