I’m a sex therapist and have sent couples to dungeons on Valentine’s Day – monogamy doesn’t have to be monotonous
A SEX therapist is lifting the silk curtain on how to spice up your romance this Valentine's Day.
Dr. Lee Phillips has helped couples explore uncharted territory, from the X-rated — think sex dungeons and BDSM — to the romantic, like sweet love notes.
According to Dr. Lee, monogamy doesn't have to be monotonous.
"I have sent couples to a dungeon on Valentine's Day to see if they like it and want to get more curious about it," Dr. Lee told The U.S. Sun.
When it comes to adding something saucy to your life, age is just a number.
"I have helped couples who have been together a long time test their comfort levels by attending a swingers club or inviting someone new into the bedroom," he revealed.
"We'll also discuss any jealous issues they have.
"I think everyone has fantasies which can be a challenge but you can incorporate that into your sex life and make sure everyone is comfortable.
For those who are into BDSM, it's all about getting creative.
"You might want to try getting smacked or play around with different kinds of whips," he said.
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"I think it's just about breaking that ice and then it's much easier to talk about.
"My job is to educate people about what's out there."
When one partner is interested in trying something that their significant other has no interest in, Dr. Lee has one word: compromise.
"Once a trust is built, people start opening up about a kink or a fetish they might have that they haven't told their partner about yet out of fear of being shamed or rejected.
"The goal is to normalize it and have them explore something they're not used to."
Once a trust is built, people start opening up about a kink or a fetish they might have that they haven't told their partner about yet.
Dr. Lee Phillips
He also says that not everyone wants to go to a crowded restaurant on Valentine's Day — but a quiet night at home can still be special.
"There are a lot of games you can play including sex card games," he said.
"Partners think that they know each other so well but you would be surprised with some of the little things you learn that you had no clue about even after years together.
"Learning about each other is fun and exciting and can ignite something new too.
His dating ideas also extend outside of the bedroom.
"I always say it's nice to recreate a date, maybe where you met. Go back to the same bar or restaurant or wherever it was and relive that special moment.
"You can even have the same or drink and share where you started and where you are now.
"It's a great way for people to see how far they've come in a relationship instead of just going to a trendy new hotspot."
What I have found is that couples really ignite romance or eroticism when they go on a trip.
Dr. Lee Phillips
In an age of texting and social media, Dr. Lee suggests going back to the love basics — by writing love notes.
"We're used to getting cards in the mail for birthdays and Christmas and other holidays, but what about a love letter to your partner about how happy you are and where they are at with their accomplishments?" he suggested.
Aside from being sweet and thoughtful, he believes that the notes are a way to be vulnerable with each other.
He also says that a getaway can do a long-term some good.
"I just think people are on autopilot mode so it's really good to get away from your environment and go somewhere you've never been before and have always wanted to go."
It seems that a change of scenery can also spice things up.
"What I have found is that couples really ignite romance or eroticism when they go on a trip," he said.
"They do things that they maybe haven't done in a long time."
He credits this change to being in a new bed or having privacy away from children or pets.
Even if you're at home, he recommends decorating the bedroom or shower.
The romantic holiday doesn't just have to be for committed couples either.
Dr. Lee suggests that singletons also do something fun to meet a potential mate or even go to dinner with friends.
For a first date, he suggests going for a .
"A lot of people don't feel comfortable eating in front of each other but if you do go for a drink, don't get sloshed," he said.
"I'm a big fan of the breakfast date or going for a picnic. You don't have to spend a lot of money.
"Go somewhere in the beginning, whether or not it's Valentine's Day, where you don't have to spend a lot of time with each other."
He also says that those who are newly dating should remain focused on getting to know each other.
"It's important that you go somewhere where you can talk. Ask each other about your childhoods and see if it can lead to something more serious," he said.
Cuffing season is officially here, so it's a good time to test your potential commitment to each other.
"People tend to want that attention now so see if where you're at could turn into something more."
If you're casually dating he says it's important to be open and honest about your sexual allures.
"Talk about the things that turn you on such as if you're willing to take an erotic risk or do something new like trying a different sex position.
"It could be something like wanting to shop for something sexy together or experimenting with new toys out there — and there is a lot more selection than there used to be."
Having a safe space to talk about both your physical as well as emotional needs can also ensure that both parties are feeling heard.
"We sometimes tend to think that we know what our partners' needs are but that's not always the case. We're not mind readers.
"It's important to check in with each other and discuss what you want to do."
His biggest pillars that hold up a relationship include trust, honesty, communication, and respect.
During couple sessions, Dr. Lee will sometimes have clients complete sentences about where they want to go with each other or what would make them feel sexy.
"Sex therapy is all about giving people ideas," he said.
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For those who want to be in a "situationship," Dr. Lee says it's all about setting boundaries or navigating a friends-with-benefits situation.
"If you're on the apps be clear about what you want to attract the right person," he said.
