I’m a single mum of two & don’t know who my girls’ dads are – they’ll never witness a breakup, it’s better for them
WATCHING a line appear on a pregnancy test Lucinda Hart’s heart leapt.
She was, finally, going to be a mum.
And like a growing number of UK women she was going it alone. But her child was not the consequence of a one-night stand or a split relationship. Instead Lucinda, a writer, from Mullion, Cornwall, is among a growing number of UK women who have conceived their children through IVF.
In Lucinda’s case, she simply didn’t want to co-parent.
Others aren’t prepared to wait for ‘Mr Right’ or fear their fertile years are rapidly declining.
It’s a huge topic on women’s boards like Mumsnet with comments like ‘I've done it - 40, single and currently pregnant through IVF and donor sperm’ regularly sprouting up.
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And on Saturday, Stacy Thomson, 40, from St Albans, Herts., revealed she found dating so tricky she went solo - and is now a proud mum to a little boy.
In the UK alone the number of single mothers conceiving through IVF rose to 1,290 in 2017 compared to just 351 ten years earlier.
Now Lucinda, 48, and mum to Rafi, 10, and Aelfrida, seven, shares her story:
‘You’re so brave doing it on your own,’ people say to me when they find out I’m a single mother by choice.
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‘No,’ I correct them. ‘It’s brave doing it with someone else. This is the easy way.’
At least it has been for me. Not once have I regretted having my daughters with a Danish sperm donor.
I knew from a fairly young age that I wasn’t settling down material, but I did want children. Luckily that’s no longer a problem. Single women don’t have to take a chance on a one-night-stand or a knee-trembler in the pub cloakroom. There is another way.
Denmark is the leading country for sperm donation. It has the most rigorous checks on potential donors’ medical and psychological history. My IVF clinic recommended the European Sperm Bank (ESB) in Copenhagen, so that was where I looked for my donor.
No doubt there are people who think women do this because they cannot find a man. Wrong. We have usually had plenty of men, but either they are unsuitable as father material, or we find we cannot cope with the whole relationship thing.
With so many marriages and relationships breaking down, there is every chance a child conceived within that relationship will end up with separated parents.
No problem going it alone
I began my IVF in 2012 at the age of 36. I was in a relationship at the time with a man who didn’t want children. However, he had no problem with me going ahead alone. In that way I was lucky: I did not have to make a choice.
A common mistake women make is not understanding – or not wanting to acknowledge – that whilst they might really fancy a particular guy he is not going to be a good father. Lovers and fathers can be completely different.
I kept quiet about what I was doing. Only my family and a couple of close friends knew what was happening. My parents agreed with me that it was by far the best way for me to become a mother, and supported me all the way.
I had four eggs fertilised with my donor’s sperm. This was perfect for me. I could not tolerate the destruction of any unused embryos, but would be happy to have four children (although I knew the likelihood of all four working was slim).
Tears in Tesco
Five days after my egg collection I had my first embryo transfer.
By far the worst part of IVF is the dreaded ‘two week wait’. I burst into tears in Tesco with the stress of it. I will never forget taking the pregnancy test that dark December morning and finding two blue lines in the window.
My daughter Raphael (Rafi) was born in August 2013 and she changed my life. I was now a mummy.
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Three years later I had a frozen embryo transferred. Sadly it did not take. But the next did, and my daughter Aelfrida arrived in January 2017. Two years after that I tried with my final embryo: again, it did not work.
I mourn the loss of those babies, but I am insanely grateful for the beautiful young ladies who share my life. We talk about their Viking heritage, and when Rafi is 18 she will be able to meet her donor. I hope I can meet him so I can thank him for giving me the best two gifts of my life.
