RELATIONSHIP RULES
Get a job, stay trim and don’t sext – Vanessa Feltz shares her ultimate relationship contract
Overt flirting with others is off limits. It’s not alluring or attractive and it doesn’t keep me on my toes
I READ this week about US couples setting up relationship contracts.
Rather than mundane questions such as “do you want kids”, these contracts — which are available online — cover everything from weight gain to sex.
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I’ve been married and in long-term relationships, and looking back a contract outlining what each of us is willing to tolerate or clarifying our desires or long-term goals would have been very wise.
Doing this at the outset forces couples to address potential issues early on before they are thoroughly embedded in the relationship.
It may sound heartless and bureaucratic but defining who should put the bins out, whether you’re allowed to share towels, or how long you are willing to go without having sex could help to avoid conflict further down the line.
I’m single at the moment, but if I were to enter into another relationship, these would be my 15 most non-negotiable clauses.
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STAY TRIM TOGETHER
HAVING a clause about weight needs to be an entirely mutual agreement.
Yes, I have in the past put on weight but I have always done my best to drop the pounds and be as fit and healthy as I possibly can — and my partner should do the same.
I would expect my partner to tell me kindly if I had put on too much weight, and the pledge would be to exercise and eat healthily together.
This rule has to be applied to both parties in the relationship.
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At the end of the day, we both want to continue fancying each other.
HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE
I HAVE always loved the feeling of being comfortable in a relationship — who doesn’t?
I don’t want to say my partner needs to “surprise” me, because that defeats the point.
But regular romantic gestures mean something to me, whether that be my partner saying, “I’ll cook for us tonight, you put your feet up,” or “I’ll be taking us on a weekend break soon.”
Whatever it takes to make me happy in a relationship then do it, and I will return the gesture.
FLAG A MID-LIFE CRISIS
IT is imperative that partners alert each other when we see a mid-life crisis descending, and we must guarantee or undertake to discuss this in a calm manner.
One cannot simply rock up to the house with a mullet astride a new Harley-Davidson.
MAKE-UP SEX IS A MUST
IF we go to bed angry, make-up sex is a must.
If we’ve had a bad argument and feel like we just can’t get over it, we must reconcile in whatever way suits each other’s imagination best.
Sex is a terrifically good thing, unless you are bogged down with a cold.
We don’t have to schedule it or plan different positions for a specific week either, but there’s something to be said for not allowing it to go completely off the boil.
The longer you don’t have it, the less you want to have it.
We must have an idea of how long we wouldn’t want to go without it and I wouldn’t let it get to the two-week mark.
SAY ‘I FANCY YOU’
IT’S important to ensure you still both desire each other — that’s why we are together, after all.
If that box is ticked then it means we will want to rip each other’s clothes off, which will in turn keep us sexually active.
But we must ensure we remind each other that we find the other attractive and cherish that sexual attraction.
It needs to be nurtured and nourished with regular sex.
We need to gently remind each other that we are still sexy, sexual, flirtatious, adventurous, romantic, tender and whatever we need to be to keep on bedding each other.
NO FLIRTING
OVERT flirting with others is off limits.
It’s not alluring or attractive and it doesn’t keep me on my toes.
Whether I’m there or not, having a cheeky joke with another woman — which would clearly make me feel uncomfortable — is not OK.
If it makes me feel vulnerable, horrible or insecure then it’s a no-go.
You should be making me feel like the most important woman in the room, not anyone else.
If you decide to have a lengthy conversation with the waitress, asking where they have come from and how long they have worked there,
I’d just be sitting there thinking “God, bring me some soup”.
It’s terribly rude, and why on Earth would you need to know that information?
However, being polite to my mother, sisters and best friends is extremely important.
MONEY TALKS
FINANCES must be transparent.
I must know at all times if my partner has taken a loan out or received a bonus.
It means we are both across our aims for the future together.
If I am trying to be responsible by not behaving like a self-sabotaging moron with my money or overdraft, but the other person is not, then as a couple we are not in a healthy financial situation.
Financial transparency is necessary so that any decisions are made on sound facts and trust rather than based on ignorance.
Responsibility for haggling, or getting a good deal in the mortgage should be shared.
And I would not want to be treated financially like a child, with the man being in charge of the money.
A SECRET CODE IS A MUST
HAVING a secret hand signal or facial movement is essential.
If either of us signals these behaviours, then the other must acknowledge and understand “it’s time to exit, and go home now”.
Examples could be to signal, “I’m getting bored and tired” or “I don’t want to ever see this person again for as long as I live”.
It’s important to have things we can say to each other that we can’t say to anyone else.
BE A GOOD SPORTSMAN
WE must both be honest about our love for sport at the beginning of the relationship.
Every weekend of mine must not be taken up by a football match, and that doesn’t mean that every other weekend the bloke is at an away game either.
Yes from time to time that is fine, but don’t be a pedantic child about it.
You can be a great fan of something, but that doesn’t mean you have to go to every single match.
It’s not the end of the bloody world to miss a football match.
WEEKLY DATE NIGHTS
ONE evening out together a week is desirable, but we don’t have to call it “date night” as that puts terrible pressure on it.
It doesn’t mean we have to go and buy an outfit or get our hair done for it either.
But going out together and doing something we both like is great.
For example eating out, seeing a film, going bowling or even meeting friends with each other.
We must remember why we are together, and why we love each other.
It is a good chance to talk about something that isn’t the kids, family life or work.
CLIMB THE CAREER LADDER
THESE days I think anyone who sets out their career aspirations, and assumes their life will just neatly follow must be insane.
There’s no such thing as a job for life any more — you might find yourself doing all sorts of things.
But one of my clauses would be that my partner — and myself — must continue to contribute to our shared life in every way that we can.
PACK ON THE PDA
I CERTAINLY wouldn’t be with someone who said “I won’t hold your hand when we cross the road”, or “I won’t kiss you in public”.
I’m not saying you have to start stripping down and getting it on with me in public.
But walking with your arms around my waist, holding my hand or giving me a kiss because you feel like it is what makes me feel good about myself.
So why not?
POLITENESS IS KEY
GOOD manners are important, even at home when no one can even see or hear us.
So when either of us walks into a room in the house, the other should smile, look up and act pleased to see them.
If I walk into the room, I would not want my partner to carry on reading the paper or looking at his phone without acknowledging my existence.
Put the TV on pause, and say “Hi” in a polite way.
Be considerate.
Give me a kiss when I come home, and remember to wish me a good day.
I will do the same for you too.
NO SEXTING, EVER
SEXTING or sending nudes to other people is not OK, and that also means managing it properly if someone randomly sends one to you.
If somebody sends you a text that you think you shouldn’t show me, then you know it’s not all right.
Yes it is flattering, and yes it’s “only” virtual because you are not actually fondling their t*ts in person, but it’s still not OK.
Either ignore and block, or reply with, “I’m not up for this”.
There is a difference between banter, and cheating — don’t confuse the two.
As soon as you are being deceitful, even if it’s just a virtual thing, the trust is gone.
LIMIT THE PHUBBING
LEARN phone etiquette.
Rather than schedule a date night, it’s far more important to limit the phone fetish.
If we are watching television together, I would expect my other half to put the phone away.
How are we supposed to laugh with each other at comedies if you are not paying attention?
When you’re on a separate device, you’ll be doing something different and I won’t know what it is.
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That’s not right.
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