We were happy before we became parents – having babies ruined our relationship, and now we’re single mums
JUST as her baby son was about to celebrate his first birthday, Joanne Smith* discovered something which blew her world apart – a condom in her partner’s pocket.
The new mum, who had spent the past 11 months focusing on keeping their baby fed and cared for, knew then that her marriage was over.
After the birth of Marley, now two, their previously fun-filled five-year relationship had crumbled.
“Motherhood wasn’t as I’d expected,” says Joanne, now 37. “I wanted to talk to Peter about it, but he was rarely around.
“During that first, life-changing week of Marley’s life I felt like a single parent. I was doing everything — feeding the baby all day and all night, all the housework and then making the meals.
“My GP also diagnosed me with post-natal depression and she organised counselling.
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“My libido had changed due to exhaustion, and this felt like a rejection to Peter. He would do anything he could to get out of the house.
“The PND was hard, but in time the clouds started to lift and I felt much better.”
The couple did start to become more intimate again — but it was too late.
Joanne says: “I suspected, in my heart, Peter was seeing other women. It was a gut feeling and I had found a mystery hairclip in our home.
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"He was probably looking for validation from someone else. Then just before Marley turned one, I found out I was pregnant again. I hoped the new baby would paper over the cracks in our marriage.
“But then I found a condom packet in his pocket — and so ended the relationship right then and there.
“I was livid with him but not surprised.
“I knew that for me there was no going back from cheating.
“If we hadn’t been married I would have ended it even earlier.
“It is not so easy to walk away when you’re married.”
But Joanne is by no means alone.
Staggering figures show a fifth of couples separate within the first 12 months of becoming parents.
Almost every week it is revealed that yet another celebrity’s relationship is on the rocks after the birth of a baby.
Most recently, Saltburn actor Barry Keoghan, 31, separated from his long-term partner just 17 months into parenthood.
Reality TV star Chloe Madeley, 36, and her husband, former England rugby player James Haskell, 38, announced in October they were separating, when daughter Bodhi was just 14 months old.
And rumours have swirled about Love Islander couple Molly-Mae Hague and Tommy Fury, both 24, since he went on a solo holiday and she revealed they haven’t had “adult intimate time” since Bambi, 11 months, was born.
So why does a baby cause so much upset? And why don’t couples stick it out?
Liat Hughes Joshi, author of six parenting books including New Old-Fashioned Parenting, says: “I have seen a significant rise in the number of people splitting up before the baby is a year old.
“Issues include communication, unrealistic expectations from social media and the fact that more people live far away from a support network of family.
“Lack of intimacy — and sex in particular — after a baby is a huge problem for couples who are navigating their new, post-baby relationship.”
Before we had Marley we loved going out and having fun, and Peter grieved his old life. He tried to block out his new responsibilities by getting drunk and having affairs, I later found out.
Joanne Smith
This was one of the main issues for Joanne and Peter.
Joanne, who is now a single mum to two children aged under two, says: “Marley was very much a wanted baby. But Peter couldn’t cope with fatherhood.
“Before we had Marley, we loved going out and having fun, and Peter grieved his old life.
“He tried to block out his new responsibilities by getting drunk and having affairs, I later found out.
“He threw away so much just because our intimacy and connection had been temporarily lost, but I believe if you can get through that first year you can get the romance back.”
But psychologist Emma Kenny also says the unmarried status of many couples today may also make it easier for them to call it a day.
Marriage rates are falling — particularly among those aged 25 to 35, with more than 1.2million more people not wed in that age bracket than in 2011.
Emma says: “It seems obvious, but in one study, a quarter of men said they felt completely sidelined as their partner seemed to favour the baby over them.
“Many men are able to accept that they are no longer their lover’s priority. But for some, the need for attention means they seek out validation from other women, leading to the breakdown of their relationship.
“One study found that of 5,000 men surveyed who were cheating or planning to do so, 18 per cent said it was because their partner was giving so much attention to their child.
“With the number of marriages declining, it is likely that men think they can walk away more freely if they aren’t physically hitched.
“Or that the women who have been cheated on — who are fed up in their relationship — are less likely to stay.
Stefanie Curran, 40, a charity worker, from Torquay, Devon, reckons the unequal division of parenting was a huge factor in her relationship with roofer Simon, 43, coming to an end.
She says: “My partner of two years, Simon, and I were over the moon when I found I was pregnant.
“After a traumatic labour with our lovely son things started to go wrong in our relationship. I was left broken, physically and emotionally. I was exhausted and in pain, I was laid up for six weeks.
“My son and Simon spent hours cuddled up watching TV but all the hard work was down to me. There was no one else nearby who could help. I did all the night feeds while Simon slept on the sofa.”
She adds: “Often I’d watch the clock, waiting for Simon to come home from his roofing job to help me, only to find out he’d gone to the pub.
“Some nights, while I sat by our baby’s cot willing him to sleep, I’d come down to find Simon eating dinner without me.
“I felt unappreciated and our partnership was strained to bursting.
“Things then came to a head when our little boy was nine months old.
“Simon had been at a funeral the day before the grand opening of my new coffee shop business. He didn’t get home until 4am and missed my big day, and that was the moment things were over between us.
“It ended in a big row and I told him to leave. If we had been married it would have taken me longer to ask him to leave.
“Before we had our son we were happy, but the huge pressures that come with a new baby definitely contributed to our relationship disintegrating.
“Thankfully, four years on, we are still friends and he’s in his child’s life.”
Simon agrees the baby put the kibosh on their union.
He admits: “I agree with what Stefanie says. We hadn’t been together for long when we had our little lad, so we were still getting to know each other then.
“It was too early to have a baby but we did and it didn’t work out.”
There is hope, though. Parenting expert Liat Hughes Joshi believes that after parents battle through those early stages, things can get better.
She says: “There are so many things to contend with in that first year. The edited social media highlights of harmony and perfection can distort our expectations.
“We start to think we’re getting it all wrong, are not good enough and have all sorts of negative feelings that can cause tension between parents.
“Social media is something that parents did not have to contend with just two decades ago.
“It also doesn’t help that people are living further away from families than ever before.
“And finally the intimacy that bonds us — I call it relationship glue — be that a cuddle, a conversation or sex, can often be absent at this time. It’s a toxic recipe for separation.
“But it won’t be this way forever. It’s probably not the relationship that is flawed, but the circumstances of having a new baby.
“I would advise couples to try to ride this tough phase out without taking it out on each other and brighter, less exhausting times will come soon enough.
“In the meantime, I would say try to find moments to have a hug and kiss, a chat while the baby is napping.
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“This will strengthen your bond and make you better parents.”
- * Names have been changed
Celebs who split after kids
SALTBURN actor Barry Keoghan, 31, separated from his partner of three years, dentist Alyson Kierans, last summer, a year after the birth of their 17-month-old son Brando.
RUGBY hero Stuart Hogg, 31, was pictured in November last year, with new girlfriend Leonna Mayor, 32, once labelled the “world’s sexiest jockey”, only days after his wife Gillian, 36, gave birth to their fourth child.
REALITY TV star Chloe Madeley, 36, announced in October that she had split from rugby player husband James Haskell, 38, after five years of marriage when their daughter, Bodhi, was just 14 months old.
COUNTRYFILE presenter Helen Skelton, 40, split with her rugby ace husband Richie Myler, 33, in April 2022, just four months after she had given birth to their third child.
He announced he was dating Stephanie Thirkill, 34, just days later. They now have an eight-month-old daughter.
SINGER Joe Jonas, 34, and Game of Thrones actress Sophie Turner, 27, filed for divorce in September after four years of marriage.
They have two daughters, born in 2020 and 2022.
GAVIN And Stacey actress Sheridan Smith, 42, split from her partner of three years, former insurance broker Jamie Horn, a year after she gave birth to their son, Billy, now three.