I’m married & in my 40s but have had two abortions – we live happily as DINKS and enjoy holidays instead
AFTER she became pregnant in her twenties, writer Ellen Manning and her partner Jamie made the difficult decision to have an abortion.
The couple, both 41, from Rugby, Warks, decided they would become parents when the time was right.
But when Ellen and firefighter Jamie, who are now married, discovered she was expecting again last year, they realised starting a family was not what they really wanted.
Ellen reveals why she has no regrets about making the same decision twice . . .
HAVING an abortion isn’t easy to talk about. Especially if, like me, you’ve had more than one.
It shouldn’t be anything to be ashamed of, yet there’s always a fear of judgement from family and friends.
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Even if people say nothing, the silence after you say the dreaded A-word speaks volumes.
Those unspoken questions: How could you be so careless? How could you get rid of it? Why wouldn’t you want a baby?
That last question is actually one plenty of people feel comfortable asking.
There’s also the assumption that abortion is something we go through when we’re younger and something we will inevitably regret one day.
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But the thing is, I don’t.
When I was in my mid-20s and had been with my now-husband for a short period of time, I got pregnant accidentally.
Jamie was using contraception but, with me unable to take hormonal contraception due to its effect on me physically and mentally, we were one of those couples for whom an accident happened.
I wasn’t far along when we found out, about ten weeks, and it seemed obvious to us that we weren’t ready to have a baby.
Unlike what Britney Spears says about her recent revelation that she had an abortion aged 19 while with Justin Timberlake, it certainly wasn’t something that came more from my partner than me.
In her new book, The Woman In Me, Britney wrote: “This would just be much earlier than I’d anticipated. But Justin definitely wasn’t happy about the pregnancy.”
Thankfully, we were equally sure that it wasn’t the right time.
There were plenty of tears, shouting, moments of blaming each other and moments of blaming ourselves individually.
But we kept coming back to the same point — our relationship was new, we were financially insecure and wanted to do so much more together before we had children.
While we’d made a sensible decision — and the right one for us — we somehow felt ashamed and terrified of people’s judgement, especially our parents’.
So at the time, we didn’t tell anyone.
The process itself was physically gruelling for me for a few days, but it was the psychological and emotional effect that hit us both.
It wasn’t something we just “moved on from”, it haunted us for months.
We wondered if we’d done the right thing, questioning whether there was somehow something wrong with us, or our relationship, because we simply didn’t want a child.
In the following years, as I watched friends proudly announce their pregnancies, there was the odd moment of regret, wondering if I should have just taken the leap and embraced this huge adventure of motherhood. But those feelings soon faded.
We got on with our lives and, while people kept telling us we’d develop a hankering to be parents, it just never happened.
We lived happily as Dinks (double income, no kids), focusing on our work, enjoying holidays and adventures together and becoming dog “parents” instead.
In January 2022, my usually regular period was a few days late. I knew immediately I was pregnant. I’m pretty in touch with my body nowadays and could feel the changes straight away.
The context was different from last time, obviously.
My husband and I were both turning 40 that year, as well as celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary. If any time was right to have a baby, it was now.
But after several honest conversations, we agreed we still didn’t want to be parents. There was a sense of sadness in some ways.
The decision had been clear cut 15-odd years ago. At that time we’d both assumed that one day we’d be “ready”.
Yet here we were, still feeling like having a baby just wasn’t for us.
We knew it was the right decision, but it was also the moment it dawned on us that if we didn’t do it now, we probably never would.
That is something I firmly believe shouldn’t be a problem, but also a reality that takes a bit of getting used to.
My GP referred me to the British Pregnancy Advisory Service and, after several lengthy phone consultations, I underwent my abortion at home through the “pills by post” system.
This involves taking pills that first block the hormone that a pregnancy needs to continue, then others that make your body expel the pregnancy.
Anyone who acts like this process is somehow easy, or can be undertaken glibly, has never been through it. While it was my choice, it’s incredibly painful and emotionally traumatic.
But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right decision, and I still very much don’t regret it. I had no reason to be ashamed but, again, I didn’t tell anyone.
This isn’t unusual. According to recent research, abortion is still a taboo subject when it comes to women’s health.
I’m more aware than ever that some people don’t even get the luxury of a decision like this.
And I have friends who would love nothing more than to become pregnant but can’t, and no doubt they would struggle to hear about my decision.
If I could turn back time, would I choose to be in those situations of wanting or needing an abortion? No.
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But do I regret them? Absolutely not.
Additional reporting: Claire Dunwell
