I’m a life coach – the 8 rules you’ve got to teach your child & why it’s important they’re selfish
GETTING kids to toe the line is usually part of being a parent, but obedience is falling out of favour.
Teaching children traits such as good manners, hard work and independence now come first, the World Values Survey reveals.
Life coach Michelle Elman, author of the book How To Say No: Setting Boundaries for Your Friendships, Your Body And Your Life, says you could be letting your child down if you don’t let them tell you “No”.
She adds: “The next time you ask your child to eat a meal they hate, or they resist going to bed, try to put yourself in their shoes before you shut them down.
“Saying no is perceived as being difficult, but how can kids become adults who know their boundaries and what is acceptable to them unless they say it?”
Here Michelle, who has 250,000 Instagram followers, tells Alex Lloyd why it’s so important to let your child push back.
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RAISING A YES CHILD IS SELFISH
ARE you encouraging your child to say yes to make your life less stressful?
Maybe that’s insisting they play with your friend’s child who they don’t like, or doing homework on a Friday night so it isn’t a rush on Sunday.
Often, we want a docile, compliant child because it is easier for us.
But that isn’t setting them up for adulthood when they need to harness the power of no.
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The next time your child is invited to a birthday party they don’t want to go to, don’t force them just to save face.
No one wants a reluctant guest anyway.
NO MUST WORK BOTH WAYS
Many parents spend a lot of time telling their child no — yet they don’t expect to hear it back.
Of course, there are times when no isn’t an option, like refusing school.
But try using the approach: “Thank you for standing up for yourself.
"I’m glad you know what you want, but sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do.”
It shows you’re listening and should reinforce that if you listen to their no, they should hear yours too.
Smooth the path by finding a compromise, however small, like promising to do a fun activity later.
It also teaches them that your feelings don’t always dictate your decisions, but it is important to acknowledge them.
BETTER THAN LIES
Life is simpler when you can say what you want.
We think white lies can be harmless, but they are tiring and help no one.
Often, if you can fib about something small, you can lie about something big.
It’s better to teach children that your word is important and to say what you mean and mean what you say.
Sometimes the word “no” can be the problem because they find it too harsh.
Teach them there are plenty of other ways to say the same thing.
My favourite one is: “That doesn’t work for me.” Another is: “Can I get back to you tomorrow?”
This gives them time to think about the request properly and frame their answer.
Encourage them to offer a positive alternative too.
If they don’t want to hang out with a big group, but just one friend, they could say: “Can we find another day for you to come over to my house instead?”
KIDS SHOULD ‘NO’ THEIR OWN MINDS
If children are forced to keep quiet when they’re uncomfortable, they won’t speak up as adults when things don’t feel right.
Peer pressure will be harder to resist for someone who wasn’t taught to say no early on.
Looking back on my own school days, the coolest kids were always the ones who knew their own minds.
You want them to learn to trust their gut and never feel like a nuisance for enforcing their boundaries.
If a friend wants them to try a vape or go to a sleepover without permission, but they don’t want to, teach them that a good mate won’t think less of them for turning the offer down.
NO ISN’T A RUDE WORD
You visit a relative and they bring out a pudding which is full of fruit your child hates.
This happened to me when I was seven and, when I told my mum I wouldn’t be able to stomach it, she said I had to and the message was that it would be ruder to say how I felt.
The next time your child is faced with this situation, it’s about making sure they don’t feel that their needs aren’t as important as making others comfortable.
It’s better to encourage them to refuse, but politely.
It means that in the long run, they’ll understand what their body needs, and what their boundaries are, rather than ignoring them.
NO MEANS THEY HAVE BETTER RELATIONSHIPS
If youngsters can say no, they are more likely to respect others when they use the word and will go on to be well-adjusted adults with healthy relationships.
It’s vital for them to understand that respecting boundaries has to go both ways.
Naturally there will be times when they get it wrong, such as sharing a secret that was told in confidence.
In this scenario, talk to them about why trust is important in friendships along with respecting the privacy of others.
For me, a selfish person is someone who walks all over another’s boundaries, not the one who says: “No, this is my boundary.”
WHEN NO DEFINITELY MEANS NO
Consent is one of the most important lessons to teach children.
Yet from being toddlers, we expect them to give hugs and kisses to relatives — sometimes even strangers — even if they don’t want to.
It can be awkward and embarrassing for everyone.
Reinforce the message that you don’t have to show any affection if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
As adults, some of us like to be tactile, some don’t — and we know that’s OK.
If you know your child doesn’t want that bodily contact, suggest they offer a fist bump, high five or a wave instead.
USING NO WISELY
You want your child to eat a healthy dinner but they refuse to try.
Forcing them to do something they hate doesn’t lead to meaningful change. It only leads to rows and resentment.
Instead, explain why they need nutrients to fuel their body and their brains.
A fussy eater might be more willing to try a new food if they understand how limited food choices will make their life harder as they get older.
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Find out what their absolute no is and what they’re prepared to budge on.
Tackle it from the viewpoint, “it’s me and you versus the problem, not me versus you” — and be willing to compromise.