I left my son at home for the first time when he was aged four – reason I couldn’t have night out is heartbreaking
ONE mum has her say on the age-old question of when is the right time to leave your baby for the first time.
It was only recently that fertility, pregnancy and post-natal coach Karen Deufelou, 42, from Forest Hill, South East London, left son Harvey, four, with his dad overnight.
She says: “Leaving my son for the first time ever at the age of four was right for us.
“Before I had Harvey, I imagined and hoped I would be a great mum and very close to him, but that I would also have nights out with friends and be my usual outgoing and adventurous self.
“My plan was to breastfeed if I could, but also let my husband do the odd feed so I’d have a social life and be able to work and do my own thing when I needed to.
“But things didn’t work out like that as Harvey refused to take a bottle.
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“And it turned out he wouldn’t be put down without screaming, so in the hospital my midwife suggested we co-sleep.
“We did that for the first month, as it didn’t make sense to me to just let him cry.
“He wouldn’t go down for naps during the day, so we had “contact naps” where he would sleep on me, meaning I couldn’t leave the sofa.
“I’d read that being super close to your baby improves self-esteem and helps the baby feel safe and that sounded lovely to me.
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“It wasn’t how I’d expected to parent but it felt right for us.
“This was my choice, but it meant there was no nipping out for a glass of wine with pals or a relaxing hairdressing trip like I did before.
“Harvey was a much-longed-for IVF baby.
“For 15 years I’d been told I might not be able to have a child, which in many ways made it harder for me to put him down when he cried.
“There was a lot of guilt attached.
“Sometimes I wanted space but I’d feel guilty for feeling that way because I’d gone through so much to have him.
“I split with Harvey’s dad when our baby turned one which was very hard, especially as it was during Covid.
“Harvey never spent the night solely with his dad at this point because he was still being breastfed.
“There was no way I could have gone to work away like Molly-Mae Hague because if he woke in the night, who would settle him?
“Nobody interfered, nobody told me I should have time apart from him, so I did what made me and Harvey happy.
“The older he got, the more difficult it was for me to think of leaving him and him to have me leave.
“I left him overnight for the first time with his dad in August 2022 when he was four.
“I knew he was safe but it felt strange. After I dropped him off I sat in the car and cried.
“That night I went out with a friend. It felt odd to be out after dark – surreal but fun.
“Around bedtime I thought about Harvey and when his dad sent me a photo I was able to relax.
“After those 24 hours and spending the evening with my pals, I was excited to see Harvey but I also felt relieved that I’d left him and that he was OK.
“Since then I’ve left him more, and with a babysitter and his grandma too.
“Even though at times it is claustrophobic, those years before he started school were so precious.
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“I’ll never forget that time and we are super-close now.
“I think it has made our relationship strong.”