I’m a childcare expert and a mum-of-five – how to deal with sibling rivalry, and the phrase you should always avoid
MANY of us will have memories of bickering with our siblings over a toy or our parents' attention.
That’s just part of growing up with brothers and sisters, right?
But according to new research, 51 per cent of adults claim to have a lasting, competitive relationship with their siblings.
So do parents need to step in and take control?
For Catherine Hallissey, sibling rivalry is totally normal and should be expected.
But it’s when this turns into jealousy and insecurity that there’s a problem.
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Speaking exclusively to Fabulous, she said: “Sibling dynamics are totally normal. They’re present in pretty much every family where there’s more than one child.
“Strong sibling relationships in adulthood are an incredible protective factor for your overall well-being.
"The foundations of this start in childhood, from the very first day your parents announce that there’s going to be a new brother or sister coming along.
“And it’s really normal for there to be struggles for children.
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“As parents, we have the power to either make things better or worse.”
So how should parents deal with sibling rivalry and jealousy?
Here, reveals where parents often go wrong when trying to keep the peace - and the phrase you should always avoid.
Don't focus on being fair
One of the most common mistakes parents make, according to Catherine, is when they say to their kids 'I'm trying to keep things fair'.
Ultimately this isn’t possible - and it doesn’t teach your child the right lesson either.
She said: “Parents often say to me, ‘I don’t know why there’s such a problem. We always make sure everything is fair and equal’.
It’s really normal for there to be struggles for children. As parents, we have the power to either make things better or worse.
Catherine Hallissey
“But when you try and make everything equal, you teach your children to look outside themselves and make sure that they’re getting their fair share, rather than looking at what they actually need.
“It’s such a mistake because, first of all, you can’t make things fair because everybody has different needs at different times.
“So instead we need to focus on everyone getting what they need and things evening out in the end.”
Stop comparing
We’ve all heard the saying, ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ - and Catherine agrees.
The psychologist recommends parents avoid comparing their kids, either positively or negatively, as it can lead to insecurity and competitiveness among siblings.
She added: “So, ‘you’re so great to tidy your room if only your brother was a bit like you’.
“Sometimes parents think 'if I compare positively, that’s great. It helps my child feel more secure'.
“But actually it triggers feelings of insecurity because it’s like, ‘my mother only loves me when I’m doing this compared to my sibling’.
“So again, it triggers feelings of competition.
“And of course, being compared negatively is even worse than that.”
Catherine also recommends you avoid assigning roles.
That includes labeling your kids as ‘the sporty one’, ‘the pretty one’ or ‘the academic one’.
She continued: “All of these assigning roles are quite limiting.
"So you think you’re seeing your child’s individuality, but what you’re actually doing is projecting an identity onto them. That becomes their role within the family.
“What actually happens is there’s no opportunity for their own actual growth and flourishing. Instead, they grow into roles that were assigned to them.
“They’re growing in reaction to one another rather than themselves.”
Instead, she recommends saying something like, ‘I love how you have so much interest in art at the moment. I can’t wait to see what other interests you develop’.
This lets your child know you’ve recognised their achievement, but without putting them inside a box.
Try not to downplay
Another mistake parents often make - downplaying one sibling’s accomplishments to save another child’s feelings.
Catherine said: “That’s what I see all the time. Let’s say you’ve got one child who really excels in sports, academics, or art, and downplay that to protect another child.
“That doesn’t actually help anybody.
When you try and make everything equal, you teach your children to make sure they’re getting their fair share, rather than looking at what they actually need.
Catherine Hallissey
“It’s really important to give our children the skills where they can celebrate one another.
“Making sure you’re not just celebrating the huge wins, but that you’re actually celebrating each child’s unique gifts that they bring to the world and to the family.”
Let them disagree
For Catherine, this error has the biggest impact.
She believes parents should let their kids disagree, as otherwise, they're missing an opportunity to teach them good conflict and communication skills.
“It’s because we love our kids so much that we really want them to be best friends.
“But it’s hard to live with people. Even if they’re nice, people are annoying. We’re all annoying. And it’s hard to be a brother or sister.
“If you are constantly saying, ‘oh I hate when you guys fight’ or ‘why can’t we all just get along’, you’re not allowing room for your children to develop good conflict resolution skills.”
But Catherine is quick to add that this doesn't mean you avoid stepping in when things get heated.
She added: “What can happen then is that the children have a victim-persecutor dynamic and the child is left alone with their struggle.
“But also the child who is in that more persecutor role also really needs help managing their power.
“So when we, as parents, let these things slide, we’re missing a lot of opportunities to help our children develop skills.”
There's always a solution
So what does the psychologist recommend parents do instead?
She said: "Now, I’ve done these steps with a one-year-old. Now that might sound preposterous, but you’re laying the foundation.
“For younger children, let’s say a three and five-year-old, fighting over a toy.
“You’re nearby and you might hear a bit of bickering, so you could say, from a distance, something like, ‘Oh I’m hearing some raised voices. Do you need my help to figure this out?’
“You might get close so that you’re ready to intervene.
“Then let’s say one child hits the other with the toy. Straightaway you get in and you step in between them and you say, ‘no hitting’.
“Not ‘no fighting’ because you want to give the message that it’s okay to disagree, but it’s not okay to physically hurt one another.
“So you’re standing between the children and if at all possible, you want to have your arm around each of them.
"This reminds them you’re not there as a judge and jury, but as a coach. To try and get a sense of what was going on."
Catherine goes on to explain that the next step involves asking both children for their version of events, as this helps them with perspective-taking.
Then, remind your children that there’s a solution to every problem, they just have to find it.
She continued: “Now you’re into the step of brainstorming solutions.
"When you’re doing this, you treat all solutions as valid and you test them out.
“So you’re coaching them to find a solution that they will both be happy about.”
Spend 'special time'
Her other top tip is to make sure you’re spending quality, one-on-one time with each of your children daily.
And the amount of time needed is a lot shorter than you might think.
“We think that for sibling rivalry we need an intervention for the two children but we actually don’t.
“It’s between parents and child. So the number one thing if people do nothing else, is one-on-one time with each child.
“Three to five minutes a day. The reason it’s three to five minutes is that it’s got to be do-able.
“For these three or five minutes, you’re not on your phone, you’re not waiting for the kettle to boil, you’re literally focused on your child.
“If you are bringing a fix or a change agenda to this special time, you need to drop that at the door. It’s simply just being with them.
“So I would suggest people come up with a couple of activities. There are some games that are really short, like Connect Four, Guess Who?, and Dobble.
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“It also could just be traveling in the car and you’re chatting. Maybe you’re listening to music.
“You’re just being interested in what they’re interested in.”